Here are some links to great articles that will help you learn and practice Orgasmic Sex…
When it Comes to Sex, Slow is the New Fast
Clitoral vs. G-Spot Orgasms | Slutty Girl Problems
Why Sexual Fantasies Are Good For Your Relationship – mindbodygreen
Unusually, it had been a few days since we made love so we were way hot for each other. Before diving in, we exchanged some sweet everythings and slow sensual massage. We call light all-body caresses with consciousness, “Tantric Touch.”
That’s all it took for our jewels (genitals) to get erect.
We moved to the next level when, with her permission, I put my vajra (penis) inside her. My hard-on descended slowly and shallowly at first. When, after a few initial thrusts, her body language made it clear that she was craving more, I gradually stroked faster and deeper. That propelled us to the next level. Our excitement propelled us to alternate at higher and higher peaks.
Sometimes her G-spot near the opening of her yoni (vagina) prefers to be rubbed or rammed directly. But this time deeper thrusts were producing stronger reactions. She’s so passionate that there’s no doubt what she wants most in each moment. How loud her moans are, how heavy her breathing is, and how strongly she pushes back tells me more than words could. I call passionate lovers like this responsive.
For fun, instead of having my thrusts penetrate straight in, I rotated my pelvis down so my vajra was entering from below. This prodded the upper wall of her yoni all the way in near the neck of the bladder. Sexologists call that the A-spot where the A stands for anterior. The A-spot is near the fabled G-spot but much further inside. She liked those strokes, but it didn’t make her wail and flail. I love to make her crazy.
I switched by rotating my pelvis upward which aimed my vajra downward as far as it would go into her cul-de-sac. That’s the little crevice behind the cervix up against the womb. Her deeper breathing and louder moans told me that these thrusts made her peaks more dramatic.
But I had a problem. All this energetic in-and-out pushed me too close to the edge of coming. Each time I pushed my cockhead into her cul-de-sac, I almost came. (I’ve always been ultra-sensitive but fortunately Tantra training taught me how to handle the intense precipices of sexual energy.) I had to back off the speed and depth of my thrusts so I could hover on the edge of the cliff without losing it. That’s how I’ve learned to last most of the time as long as we both want. Unfortunately backing off a bit reduced her excitement.
But no worries. We like to dance on the verge for an hour or more at a time. The point where I had to slow up was maybe after a half-an-hour of jewel union (sexual intercourse). In the long run, though, everything worked out perfectly.
Up to this point I had been Tri-Fingering her clio (clitoris) while my vajra was sliding in and out of her yoni. You see, studies have shown that 70% of women need clio stimulation for maximum turn-on and orgasm. She’s one of them most of the time.
Tri-Fingering is my name for using three fingers on her clio. To do that during jewel union, I put my two middle fingers of one hand on either side of my thrusting cock and rub her pussy lips. At the same time with my index finger, I massage her clio.
In spite of her still wanting more (I love that about her), my fingers started to get tired. So she grabbed one of her favorite little vibrators called the Tiani from Lelo, the great Swedish sex toy company. It’s a U-shape with a vibrating bulb in one end that her clio loves. The other end is a little flat prong that inserts into her yoni. Amazingly it holds the Tiani in place so we can go at it hands free.
More bad news. As usual, the inserted prong made penetration tighter. At that moment I was too sensitive for more excitement. When I explained, she just held the vibe on her clio. That made her passion ramp up again. And allowed us to have lots more fun surfing up and down many waves of pleasure.
If you’re into long Orgasmic Sex like we are, you learn that nothing seems to keep producing the same passion for long. Psychologists call it habituation when the sensitivity of tissues gets accustomed to the same repeated stimulation.
When her clio got habituated, she switched to another
longtime favorite, the white Pocket Rocket. It’s a slender 3-inch cylinder powered by just one AA battery. The white one is a few years old and has lost some of its punch. But there’s something about its frequency that’s perfectly tuned to her clio. Someday I hope to sponsor a scientific study of vibration characteristics. I never see manufacturers specifying vibe strength and frequency.
Anyway, whitey on her clit sent her off into a few more cycles of skimming pleasure crests which I happily followed.
Now the good news heading into 45 minutes of coupling was that my sensitivity started to level out. The peaks weren’t threatening to make me loose it as much. So I could stick to my gun, I mean the rhythm that was bringing her close to a climax.
I guess her peaks were leveling a bit too as we approached an hour. Since we play this way on average every other day, we don’t always demand an explosive release. You see, the peaks are so exciting and propagate so much energy through and between our bodies that physical orgasm isn’t always necessary. That’s why we call it Orgasmic Sex instead of sex pressuring us both towards with orgasm. The orgasmic sensations go on and on unlike just a few seconds of them.
We usually play in rounds (yeah, like boxers but much less violent) that typically last 30 to 60 minutes. Sure, sometimes we have shorter quickies. Our longies string together several rounds of going at it like that.
Sorry, I don’t have a name for one round like we were enjoying. A mediumie? No, not a great term. Can you suggest a better one?
As we neared the end of this round she clearly wanted to go over the top. I realized that when she grabbed her newest Pocket Rocket. Since it’s purple, we call it Miss Violet. I bought several different ones from Amazon so we’d have a backup to the aging whitey. It turned out they were all from the same manufacturer in China. The fresh Miss Violet packs a stronger punch and added what she needed for an explosive climax.
It was a classic blended orgasm. That’s one triggered by hitting two sweet spots (erogenous zones) at once. In this case my vajra pumping in and out of the cul-de-sac inside her yoni and Miss Violet on clio’s pearl (erect tip).
Even with all that stimulation, the rhythm of my strokes had to be perfect. Moments when I had to back off interrupted her ascent. But finally I was able to keep on keeping on as she approached climax. Maybe the fourth or fifth peak triggered her explosive orgasm or what we like to call a Big O.
Do you ever pull out right away after coming? We don’t. Orgasmic Sex is such a connection of multiple energy streams that we much prefer to keep my shrinking vajra inside as long as possible.
At first she needs me to be still as the sensations sweep through her. Plus, staying inside allows us to enjoy aftershocks. Sometimes they’re just an involuntary twitch as the energy boils over. But after a couple moments I like to give her another slow stroke. That often triggers a mini-orgasm like it did this time. Actually that worked three or four more times until she was totally spent.
I know we’re there when she covers her suddenly hyper-sensitive clio with hand or pulls away.
And if you’re wondering, no, I didn’t come. The multiple high peaks of pleasure are thoroughly satisfying to me. And in my seventies ejaculating releases too much energy. That can leave me out of the game sometimes for a few days. Taoist physicians specify that at my age I should never come. But I’m a Tantric which means the only rules I follow are what works for my body. At this point it’s been quite a few weeks since I made a big wet spot. Well see when it asks for. I love that preservingjy sexual energy this way keeps my old body horny, hard, and desiring more.
Well, that’s one of our Tantric mottos: more, More, MORE! I hope you have fun going for more like I’ve just described.
Love, Somraj
P.S. Many of these techniques are excerpted from our new book, Tantric Pathways to Supernatural Sex, which will be published by Llewellyn Worldwide next spring. If you’re interested, make a comment below or shoot me an email here… http://www.tantraattahoe.com/connect/somrajemailform.htm
I didn’t count how many orgasms I had last night, but it was at least six. Which was great because my wife was done early with a quick explosive climax leaving me wanting lots more.
You read that right, I’m a guy who has multiple orgasms. I didn’t always. It’s something I learned through lots of practice.
Now I didn’t say I ejaculated each time. In fact, I didn’t at all. The series of sexual crescendos was so satisfying that I didn’t need to.
One of the first things I learned in Tantra training was to separate orgasm from ejaculation. So my series of multiple orgasms were decidedly different than making a big wet spot. In fact, they were each quite unique. That’s partly because most of my climaxes were Tantric energy orgasms. That’s where you have all the glorious sensations of coming without the ejaculatory spasms that drain your energy.
Here’s how things went down. After a little break that allowed her to recover, she gave my vajra (penis) some delicious sucking until I was hot and hard. My excitement soared in surges of passion, but she stopped before I got too high. When she moved between my legs, my hands took over so she could concentrate on my rosetta (asshole).
If you’re new to the whole idea of orgasmic sex, you should know that we don’t rush headlong to the biggest explosion possible. Instead we stay as high as we can for as long as we want. I call it the O-Zone where you make those powerful sensations just before coming continue on and on.
The way we do orgasmic sex, whether we’re giving pleasure, self-pleasuring, or just fucking, is in cycles. That means we soar up to a peak of pleasure, maybe float there a bit, and then come down and relax for a moment before another cycle. My first couple peaks happened in vajra’s head from the stroking up and down my shaft that felt so electric.
When you play in the Tantric arena of energy orgasms, sometimes it’s hard to say if a sexual peak is high enough to qualify as an orgasm. Well, classifying them was less important than the delight that the rising tide triggered inside me as the peaks got higher.
But there was more going on than a little solo masturbation. As my wife was lubing up and fingering my rosetta, the locus, the exact location, of the turn-on began to shift. Then I had my next orgasm culminating in rolling anal convulsions. The physical phenomenon resembled the pulsing of my prostate gland when I do ejaculate. Except it was happening in the sphincters and muscles around rosetta’s short canal.
That orgasm was more on the physical side than purely energetic ones that spread heat, electricity, and vibration throughout my body. But it did release some rays of electricity that excited more of the surrounding tissues. It was those energy rays that triggered my next one. It felt like sound waves propagating up my spine. Kind of like the reverberations you would feel if you stood in front of the bassist’s speaker at a rock concert.
As my wife replaced her fingers with my favorite vibrator stroking in and out of my rosetta, the erotic charge expanded and filled more of my body’s bioenergetic field. That became clearer when cascades of prickly heat shot up my torso. That upwelling of sexual energy made my scalp bristle and my hair stand on end.
Now that one was way different from the previous three or four. And so was the next one. It felt like passion grenades exploding in my prostate. That sent blossoms of excitement reaching everywhere.
I call what we were doing to my body a hot link. That’s a sexual energy channel that connects two erogenous zones. In this case, my vajra and backdoor. Actually there are eighteen of these sweet spots in and around a guy’s crotch. And I surely had connected several hot links between several of these hot areas.
Then the energy in my prostate and vajra’s head started pulsing and sending out flares of erotic charge. Looking down inside it felt like a barbell with fireworks detonating at each end of the hot link. That climax felt like the barbell vibrating and sending off streamers of excitement throughout my body. I’ve felt that before, when the locus of boiling sensation shifts from one end of the energy channel to the other and back again.
I think it was the energy surging back and forth on the vajra-prostate barbell that triggered my big one. It launched me into the orbit of the O-Zone for maybe two minutes. This final orgasm was truly a blended one, combining many of the sensations of all the previous ones. The rolling thunder pulsed here, exploded there, and kept shifting around to many of my sweet spots.
Even though I didn’t drain any sperm, having my body reverberate so intensely for nearly an hour did leave me spent. But it was the kind of temporary exhaustion that let me revel in all the ecstatic feelings I’d experienced.
If you’d like to learn how to do this, please email me. I’ll likely suggest you get a copy of my Male Multiple Orgasm book or download my Tantric Male Multiple G-Spot Orgasm. I also do coaching and training for singles and couples.
For the ultimate guidebook, you’ll have to wait until Fall 2019 when our new book Tantric Pathways to Supernatural Sex is published by Llewellyn Worldwide.
Until then, have fun and lots of sexual pleasure. You can bet I will.
Love, Somraj
Here are some links to articles less that will help you understand Orgasmic Sex…
WTF Is a ‘Psychic Orgasm’ and How Do I Have One | StyleCaster
How Couples That Talk About Sex Have BETTER Sex | YourTango
‘I Orgasm Every Single Time I Have Sex’
Our sexual patterns are different. Though we have so much in common and our sex life is great, after 21 years it’s a little surprising to discover new things.
Like she wants it more often and I want each time to last longer.
Maybe quicker sex is fine for her since we’ve been making so much progress on triggering her orgasms faster. She only needed about 20 minutes of thrusting last night to explode.
For most of my sexual life I couldn’t last anywhere near that long. But my Tantra training and extensive practice with a wife who loves sex has taught me to extend. Now I can surf from peak to peak until I’m ready to let go an hour or more.
I’m just saying that I f you’re quick on the draw there is hope.
So she wants it every other day which is more than I’ve ever had before. Of course I love to help her over the top. It feels great and it’s good for my fragile male ego. But when my motor gets revved up, I prefer to float in an orbit of ecstasy for a couple hours on a good night. Or on and off all weekend during one of our marathons.
Fortunately she really gets off on swapping roles and using my favorite vibrating dildo on me. After her big O she did me like for another 40 minutes. Still I wanted more so I went to my computer after she fell asleep. Though my “internet girlfriends” don’t really know who I am, their pictures help me imagine screwing them. Which keeps me dancing on the verge while playing with myself.
The best news is that we’re both accepting of each other’s preferences. So neither of us pressures the other to change. Being sex-positive means we don’t judge or resist the fantasies that our healthy libidos drive us towards.
Anyway, we’ve both been through lots of different phases in our 21 years together. What we each crave now will probably change soon. And my guess is that it will still be ecstatic.
Love, Somraj
I spent a lot of years having sex that didn’t involve my butt. It was usually great but I had no idea what I was missing.
How come? Well, I was worried that it was dirty. And I was so tight-assed that first attempts at entry hurt.
But mostly I had no idea how incredible it could be.
Three things helped me change all that. First was my Tantra training 20 years ago. That’s how I learned about pelvic armoring. Armoring is when parts of the body get perennially stiff and tense from false beliefs, traumas, and other negative experiences. An armored crotch is a common byproduct of toilet training. As is getting caught masturbating or doing it in the back of your old Chevy. It’s a condition many of us share due to frustrating, stressful, or painful sexual experiences.
Tantra taught me that slow, gentle, deep bodywork can help clear armoring back there. And other places too like a woman’s yoni (vagina).
Over the years I’ve had a lot of this kind of clearing thanks to my wife’s supportive sex-positive attitude. And my FOMO (fear of missing out). Gradually the tension was replaced with more relaxation and more pleasure.
Why does anal play feel so good? Well, it’s naughty and some of us like to walk on the wild side. Yes, that includes me, first in line for something new and kinky. Plus, the tissues are connected to my other highly sensitive jewels. You remember what that old song says, “the ass bone is connected to the cock bone?”
Oh, yeah, let’s not forget how many nerve endings are down there.
The second thing was my longtime girlfriend who is a colonic hydrotherapist. That is to say that she specializes in enemas. Now this is a beautiful and sexy woman who is very butt friendly. And always clean.
Not to mention how much she likes me fucking her fresh butt.
Now I’ve tried enemas before and thought it wasn’t really worth all the trouble. Well, until I got hooked on ass play. Then we remodeled our bathroom and installed a bidet so that we’d have cleaner jewels all the time. Little did I realize how motivated I’d be to wash my butt after each visit to the toilet.
So after this third thing I had no excuse but to start using fingers and toys in my backdoor. The more I did it, the more I loved it.
It seems to me that anal play adds more cylinders to my 4-cylinder sexual motor. The pleasure I get is now more like the power of a high-performance V8 engine.
Something else is happening too. While a hand, mouth, or yoni is stroking my cock, active fingers or a vibrating butt plug supercharges my pleasure. It’s more than just stronger sensations. Backdoor stimulation blends in a whole new sort of rocket fuel into the mix.
You might wonder why that would be. If you know anything about a guy’s orgasm control center, you understand. I’m talking about the prostate gland. Or what some call the male G-Spot.
When my G-spot is prodded, it’s as if a swarm of pleasure bees are released inside. They wait in the hive around my prostate until they’re awakened. Then their fast little wings massage me from the inside and make me swoon each time they stream through my body.
Last night I had several 30 to 60 second orgasms that way. They were a new variety that I’ve only had before with my vajra (penis) being excited. I call them dry orgasms because there’s no ejaculation.
Still, everything in my pelvis was vibrating at a high frequency spreading waves of sensation everywhere. Like I was driving 100 mph on the freeway until I blasted into orbit. The muscles that make me squirt were convulsing big time except the one around my prostate gland that ejects semen. That’s why I can have them over and over for a long while.
In my new ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making three of the twelve different types of orgasm are exclusively for men: Ejaculation, G-spot, and Dry. So I was having lovely energy eruptions that blended the last two.
You know, I’ve been practicing Tantric Sex for 20 years now and it’s amazing how much I keep discovering. If you’re like me and love to explore your inner erotic world, I highly recommend it.
Playing with my butt has been one of the most revealing personal growth experiences I’ve ever had.
Am I saying that anal sex is a spiritual practice? Well, I guess I am. But that depends on how you approach it.
Recognizing that certain sex acts vault me to higher sexual orbits is what prompted this exploration where the sun don’t normally shine. (I wrote about this a couple weeks ago in my blog post entitled “Sexual Energy Orbits: How to Catapult Yourselves up to the Most Sensational Pleasure Zones.”)
Even though I know that personal freedom is an inner journey, I’ve been expanding myself through spiritual sex for nearly twenty years now. It’s taught me more about myself than all talk therapies in the world combined. So how exactly does that work?
Spiritual sex means to be aware of your body, mind, and soul while you accept your sexual desires and act on them fully.
Let’s Get Drunk And Screw
Being a somewhat evolved horny guy, I’m not against the age-old relationship axiom — “Let’s get drunk and screw.” Today that probably shows up more as “Let’s get stoned and make divine love.”
But for me erotic play is so much richer when I’m conscious of everything that’s happening. Then I can steer the action so I get everything I want while I’m attending to my partner’s needs and wants. Often I get new pleasures that I didn’t expect.
My whole life I’ve sought to rid myself of inhibitions. Maybe, like so many other teenagers, that’s an outgrowth of rebelling against my father’s authority. Whatever.
What I found in my recent solo anal play is that I’ve got hangups I didn’t know were limiting my fun.
Me squeamish? Seriously?
I can’t begin to count how many times I believed that I arrived only to find how much more there was to look at. With my unshakable self-image, I was sure I could handle unlimited pleasure. At least until I bumped up against the edge of my comfort zone and found my own limits.
So again and again I dedicated myself to practice until I released “all” resistance. Usually it wasn’t long before I had to pick myself up and realize how much more inner work awaited me.
The Sensible Hygiene Of Anal Play
A case in point is the hygiene of anal play. As my sex life has been expanding in recent years, I’ve welcomed any gentle-at-first penetration back there from lovers I trust. Lovers who are as fun and fastidious as I am.
Damn, I’ve had so much pleasure when they put things in my butt: fingers, toys, and vajras (penises).
But I discovered that I’m reluctant to put my own fingers in my butt.
Really?
Any young woman whose mother taught her not to wipe forward realizes we all want to keep the bacteria from the rosetta (asshole) away from the yoni (vagina). Or either gender’s mouth for that matter.
Such programming was a critical part of my Tantric sexual healing that opened up my backdoor initially. Tight-assed is more than a social slur, it’s a diagnosis of the energy blockages that inhibited lovers and people in general have.
When the issues are in the tissues, especially around the rosetta, they restrict one’s sexual freedom and lots more.
You see, I love to play full out without inhibitions. That’s partly a result of my robust libido. But even more so it stems from the personal growth I’ve done around becoming more sex-positive.
Damn Those Restrictive Inner Rules
So, as I was saying, what I found was that I had all sorts of inner rules about where I could put my hands when playing with myself. When I lube up a sex toy and slide it in my butt, undoubtedly that hand gets contaminated with the kind of germs we don’t want to spread.
My Tantric training, or call it conscious sexuality, included always being alert to what one touches with those dirty digits. That’s wise to avoid later unwanted infections. But when I got an urge to, for example, add my second hand to massage my cockhead, I heard a loud “No!” from my inner critic.
Since I can’t put my vajra in my mouth in my most limber moments, there was no chance of making myself sick. And since this was solo play, there was no chance of infecting my beloved’s yoni. And yet I was unwilling to follow my whims and play with whatever part of my body wanted attention.
That’s where spiritual sex came to the rescue. It’s all about witnessing what’s going on in my body, mind, and soul while I’m reveling in pleasure. Not only was I conscious of what I wanted to do to myself, I was also conscious of what was holding me back.
So I lubed up my second hand and slowly slid it in and out of my rosetta. Wow, was it great! It supercharged the pleasure that my other hand was creating by stroking my vajra.
It felt so good that after a while I got the urge to grab vajra’s head with my dirty hand. Sure enough the injunction was still there. I looked at and decided there was no harm as long as I washed up afterwards.
As a result, for a few minutes I had the most ecstatic two-handed masturbation you can imagine.
Letting My Freak Flag Fly
What I was discovering was that my self-pleasuring habits followed well-worn grooves. These were uninspected patterns that limited what I would let myself enjoy.
I thought I was a devoted disciple of the spirit of David Crosby’s song “Almost Cut My Hair” which advocated letting my freak flag fly.
One of the things all my Tantric sex ebooks advocate is whimsy. That’s recognizing when you’ve got a whim and acting on it. Like you want to switch from the top to the bottom or the reverse while making love. Or pull out and lick the juices from your coupling or swivel around to enjoy some luscious 69. Or play with yourself while you’re going at it.
Honor your whims instantly is the secret to fully letting yourself go. Sexual energy is a continuous river of potential pleasure. Let yourself go with the flow and passion engulfs you.
My inner blockages to my own whims created mental grooves that restricted my sexual freedom. When a whim surfaced, I would ignore it without even considering it. My old worn-out beliefs were blindly blocking my consciousness at decision points.
That’s exactly what happened when I got the urge to use both hands to stroke my cock but one had just been in my rosetta.
When a lover is passionately steaming down the road towards a Big O, they rarely notice what happens at these pleasure crossroads.
Like when the vibrator that I was sitting on which felt great a moment ago stopped generating pleasure. This was a crossroads. The thought occurred to me to lube it up and shove it inside my butt. I was sure I had loosened up enough so that I could take it and love it even more.
But instead of going for it, instead of following my bliss in the moment, my puritan programming blocked it.
We all seek balance in life. I thought I was operating with a good balance between pleasure and cleanliness. But I realized I was a victim of my own overly hygienic fastidiousness.
Now I’m not into deep psychoanalysis that drives me to figure out why I was inhibited. Just witnessing what I’m doing gives me the choice to change. So seeing how I was limiting my options for pleasure allowed me to change my habits.
Different Than a Sudden Flash of Clarity
This didn’t happen like a sudden flash of clarity. It evolved in stages. First, I let my fingers have their way with my rosetta. But at first I was still uncomfortable using that hand for anything else. So I decided it would be OK to play with my balls while my other hand was busy sliding up and down my shaft.
Next I realized there was really no harm in using the contaminated hand on my vajra as well. It wasn’t going anywhere dangerous. So I had fun for a while enjoying some two-handed self-pleasure.
Then I needed more lube. And I shocked myself with the thought that both hands were now dirty and would contaminate the lube bottle. But so what? This was my private stash that stayed by my computer while I was enjoying my carefully curated porn collection.
So I threw caution to the winds and declared my lube “on-limits,” too. That’s the opposite of off-limits if you missed the reference.
These were just a few of the layers peeling off the onion that I went through. It’s still continuing each time I play with myself. But now I’m extra excited when I bump into another internal barrier. I can look at it sensibly and decide if I’m being held back by outmoded restrictions or if there’s no danger in letting my freak flag fly.
In retrospect my story is an isolated example of the kind of sexual healing we all need over and over. Hopefully I’ve inspired you to look at what’s holding you back from what your body, mind, and spirit want. And then go for it.
Enjoy! And I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.
Love, Somraj
A robust sex life is natural and healthy. Yet few of us learn how to extract all the pleasure we can out of making love with others and with ourselves. We can do better if we fully adopt a sex-positive attitude. Here’s how we define that in our latest ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making…
An attitude and mindset of lovers who know that sex is a good thing, that it’s a natural part of life, that it’s healthy, and that they deserve as much pleasure as they can get in any way they choose to get it.
If you’re really sex-positive, you’ll explore and expand three sexual roles: adventurer, exhibitionist, and voyeur.
Now before you freak and think I mean you have to become a promiscuous pervert, take a breath. No, you can do all three in the privacy of your primary relationship. Or with yourself.
—————————————
Sexual adventurers are lovers who are willing to try new things, to experiment, and to expand their comfort zones. That might include doing more creative self-pleasuring and enjoying yourself more often. That’s our fancy name for masturbation which, to most people, means getting yourself off. But to us Tantric types it’s more about learning what your body likes, expanding your repertoire, and making it last. We usually choose a hot longie over a primal quickie. Well, not always.
Sex toys are a natural complement that can broaden your inner horizons. For example, I can’t comfortably reach my rosetta (anus) for long. So when I want to add anal pleasure to my self-love, a butt plug or vibrator is a welcome addition.
With a partner, being more adventuresome might include asking for more manual, oral, or anal play. How about getting a Kama Sutra book and trying new positions? Why not try it in every room and on every piece of furniture in your house? We still remember the rug burns from the stairs during one of our awesome tours some time back. Or in the shade of the forest or in the car at night with a panoramic view of the city? Mulholland Drive overlooking Los Angeles was one of my teenage fantasies that I didn’t get to enjoy enough. Anyway the windows steam up pretty quick, right?
Being a sexual adventurer starts with taking an honest look at what you’re getting and what you want more of. If you’re coupled, that means both doing that and then talking about it. No doubt, sexual communication is one of the major challenges in long-term relationships. But if you’re aiming to become a thoroughly sex-positive adventurer, it all starts with honesty, authenticity, and transparency. I know, big words that mean be real and be open.
A great way to start investigating practices that you might like is by reading books about sex. Details about the 10 we’ve written are here. Not to forget the thousands you can find on Amazon.
When you’re ready to go public, taking a sex workshop can be eye-opening. Most respect your boundaries and comfort level so they don’t usually resemble an orgy. Jeffre and I met at one — a class not an orgy — so we’re strong advocates of attending a type of group that strikes your fancy. In fact, we met at a series of six Sex, Love, & Intimacy workshops conducted by the Human Awareness Institute. There aren’t any optional public sexual activities until midway through the levels. But we did make love the second night in our private tent. The rest is history.
We’re active in the Sex Positive Meetup group in our area. We understand there are many others around the country. These are groups of people of all sexual preferences who get together regularly to talk, learn, and practice. We do workshops for them as do other sexologists. They’re very respectful as they help new members explore their turn-ons and discover their true sexual identity.
These are just a smattering of ideas. For sure, there are lots more opportunities a little Googling can uncover in your area.
A primer on becoming more sexually adventuresome wouldn’t be complete without mentioning walking on the wild side with assorted kinks and fetishes. Cross-dressing, dressing up, dressing down begin the list. And then there’s ropes and restraints, leashes and handcuffs. The popularity of 50 Shades Of Grey has certainly raised awareness about BDSM practices (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism). We have a thorough survey of the whole spectrum of vanilla to extreme sexual play in our new ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making.
Since monogamy has been the norm for many generations, sexual adventurers also engage in various forms of open relationships. It might look like swinging, sex parties, or polyamory. The politically-correct term today is CNM, consensual non-monogamy. Though most everyone you’ve ever met has cheated or come close to it, CNM is different. It’s having sex with outside lovers with the knowledge and blessing of your partner. And sometimes all together. Though some lovers actually form families larger than two, our practice is to play with a small circle of intimates once or twice a month. Our current extended family includes two hetero couples and one single woman.
So how far out of your comfort zone have I pushed you so far? If you’re a bit uncomfortable reading this short list of some of the possible options should convince you that we all live in an inhibited puritanical culture. There are so many satisfying ways to have adult fun that you might get off on but probably aren’t even trying. Are you ready to move out of your comfort zone and and stretch your boundaries?
I’m not trying to persuade you to do things that you have no curiosity and or attraction to. But when something piques your interest, maybe it’s time to test the waters. That’s what sex-positive lovers do. Consciously, carefully, and after extensive communication with partners.
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Admittedly, practicing exhibitionism sounds inappropriate, if not illegal in most places. But if you’re on the path of becoming totally sex-positive, shouldn’t you be proud of demonstrating your sexual prowess?
If orgasms are a divine gift as most sexologists acknowledge, who does it serve to keep them private?
Again, I’m not urging that you follow the Beatles advice and do it in the road. In fact, I’m reminded of my first wife’s prejudice again public male masturbators. She grew up in Sweden and enjoyed lots more sexual freedom than I did in the US. Yet she scoffed at the frequent “village idiots” as she called them who would expose themselves as she walked around town. Her response was to look down at their crotches and laugh. That usually put them off their game immediately.
No, we’re talking about sexual pride with a belief system like, “My body is my temple and I’m proud of it. I value the pleasure it brings me and want to share my good feelings with those I love. I welcome them watching me enjoying myself.” Where appropriate and welcomed, it can be highly erotic to parade your pleasure.
I was able to develop my exhibitionist personality by attending nudist clubs and camps. Many years ago a few close friends camped at a clothing-optional community that was hosting Nudestock. That was a recreation of Woodstock with local bands and no clothes. Way fun.
If you need any evidence that showing off your privates is hot, consider the popularity of sexting. Doesn’t receiving a boob pic, pussy pic, or dick pic from your main squeeze turn you on? Or an acquaintance you’ve been lusting for? I’m not endorsing strangers showering you with sexts, but where there’s already a connection, it’s certainly a welcome growth area for foreplay.
I first experienced a thrill from public self-pleasuring during my formative Tantra training at Margot Anand’s Love And Ecstasy Training. One evening all 80 students created their own little nest in our huge classroom. As the lights dimmed and the soft music played, we all started playing with ourselves. We couldn’t really see how our neighbors were enjoying their bodies, but we could sure hear them. Knowing that my classmates were surfing orgasmic peak after orgasmic peak as I was, added to my excitement.
This ritual undoubtedly prepared me to join the Center For Sex And Culture‘s National Masturbation Day event some years later. At a theatre in San Francisco’s Tenderloin District, several hundred of us pranced around naked playing with ourselves. No touching or sexual contact even with our partners was allowed. It was all about honoring self-love. Some even put on a show in front of a live webcam. I wasn’t ready for that then, but I did have my first experience with a sex machine with a small audience.
There other opportunities not limited to the public eye. You can exercise your innate exhibitionism at home through mutual masturbation. For some couples, touching themselves in front of their partner is a stretch all by itself. But if you’re sex-positive, why not? Like stripping and dancing naked, being watched while you touch yourself can be super steamy. When you both do yourselves at the same time, the synergy can be off the charts. Foreplay, sex breaks, afterplay – I can think of lots of times when it’s a wonderful thing. Maybe I need to be harder, maybe she needs to be wetter, or maybe we’re just up for a shift in the energy. Or when one of us is playing hard to get and we want to prove that we can look after ourselves if need be.
Sure, sometimes the surprise of what I’m doing to my playmate is way hot. But, let’s face, my lovers know their bodies better than me. So if they want to touch themselves, I say “go for it.” It’s really hot watching. Besides, I might learn something. I have one lover who swoons whenever I play with myself in front of her. She certainly has trained me to put on a show for her even at those moments when she’s not ready to be penetrated.
A central theme of our new ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making is opening and flooding energy channels with sexual electromagnetism. One prominent technique we call the “Add-On.” That’s when you or your partner plays with another erogenous zone while you’re making love. I particularly love stroking myself while my honey is using my favorite vibrating butt plug inside me.
When you’re ready to experiment with opening your relationship, you’ll need your inner exhibitionist to come out and play. Isn’t that obvious? You’ll be naked and hopefully partaking of the action in front of someone else. Would a stranger or a close friend be more comfortable or hotter?
A relatively easy way to wade in is via soft swapping. That’s when you make love in the same room with another person or couple. Maybe you’ve dreamed of a lusty threesome with that busty or well-hung friend. But are you ready for the other lover — or your partner — watch you go at it?
I remember a threesome with my wife and another beautiful woman at a party that demonstrated this. The other woman laid next to us as we made love, holding each of our hands. She didn’t want to participate at that moment, but we shared our bubble of orgasmic energy with her. She was lapping it up, smiling, moaning right along with us. It really turned us on that we could revel in ecstasy next to her while she was celebrating our passion.
Many progressive sexuality workshops will handle the gradient of exposure delicately. And modern professionals will demand enthusiastic consent without pressure before you get involved at any level. So when you’re ready, learning groups can be an ideal way to dip a naked toe in the water here and there.
Sex parties probably require the most developed exhibitionists. Sure, sometimes swing clubs have private rooms. But the real action tends to happen out in the open on the multiple mattresses next to each other. When you’re ready for that, watching and being watched sure intensifies the sexual energy.
My first experience of that was actually in a Tantra workshop where I served as an assistant instructor. As a demonstration for new students, my wife Jeffre gave me an elaborate two-hour Multiple Orgasm With Ecstasy session surrounded by about 100 students and staff. I had never been that high for so long before, likely due to in being so public. Because I was so energetically open to everyone’s rapt attention, I vibrated with ecstasy for an hour after everywhere else left.
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A person who gains sexual pleasure by watching others is a voyeur. The triangle holds that it’s an essential healthy sexual activity.
So am I pro porn? You bet!
Of course, anything can be abused. But admiring others’ bodies and watching them make love online can sure get your juices flowing. For me, it’s an essential part of self-pleasuring. But again, I’m not doing it to get myself off as fast as possible. I’m using erotic images to amplify the sexual energy flowing through my body. My aim is to make myself feel as excited as I can for as long as I can. It’s so satisfying that I rarely ejaculate.
You benefit from your voyeuristic tendencies when you watch your partner playing with themselves. Many men love to watch their woman with another man. Or another woman. Or one after the other after the other. I can remember many times at parties when my wife or girlfriend were making love with others. To be perfectly frank, I’m not immune to jealousy. But my best memories are being thrilled at how much they were enjoying it. In the polyamory world that’s called “compersion,” where you receive pleasure from the pleasure your beloved is receiving.
You need a healthy dose of compersion when you attend a swing party. Sure, you can just watch though I’ve never been able to stay out of the action for long. I do remember the first time I played with another man at a friend’s swing house. The play areas were set up with railings all around. No doubt the crowd watching me fueled my appetite for the other guy’s body.
Memories — playing sex tapes of past experiences in your head — qualify as voyeurism in my book. The standard line is that guy’s are turned-on more by images while women are impacted more by words and feelings. Maybe that explains why romance novels sell the biggest share of books. I guess reading a steamy story about the perfect hunk or babe you conjure up in your mind qualifies as voyeurism.
Sorry, but I don’t have much more to add about voyeurism right now. I pretty much shot my wad in the exhibitionist section. So just look back and reverse the roles.
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We first learned about what I now call the sex-positive triangle in the Quodoshka workshops. That’s the name given to the Native American sacred sexuality practices based in Arizona. If you want to expand your three corners of adventurism, exhibitionism, and voyeurism, that would be a powerful option. Or we’d love for you to join us at our Private Tantra Workshops.
Whatever you do, I’d recommend taking baby steps first. Look inside and find out what you’re really seeking. Do some serious reading and talk to people ahead of you on the path. If you’re in relationship, talk openly about what you want and how you want to get it. Then find some venues where you can explore and experiment.
By no means have I covered every possible angle. So I look forward to your comments and questions.
May you find everything you’re looking for in and out of bed.
Love, Somraj