Slow Sex, Clitoral vs. G-Spot Orgasms, Sexual Fantasies

Here are some links to great articles that will help you learn and practice Orgasmic Sex…

When it Comes to Sex, Slow is the New Fast

Clitoral vs. G-Spot Orgasms | Slutty Girl Problems

Why Sexual Fantasies Are Good For Your Relationship – mindbodygreen

Help Your Man Last Longer in Bed: 9 Tips to Make Sex Orgasmic for Both of You

Many surveys show that sex averages 5 to 10 minutes max. If you’re a woman, that usually isn’t enough to bring you to orgasm. Women need at least 20 minutes but usually 40 or more. If you’re a man, coming in a few minutes can be fun. But wouldn’t you want to maintain the level of pleasure that you feel just before you orgasm for an hour or more?

After years in the 5 to 10 minute zone, Tantra taught me how to last as long as we both want. But I’m a highly-sensitive man and it takes two to Tantra for a long time. My first Tantric Sex book, Ultimate Premature Ejaculation Mastery, laid out the complete program of solo exercises for men.

But neither of you can make it happen by yourself. You have to learn how to share the power so you both get what you need. And since pleasure is a moving target, you’ve got to stay in the now and and learn to roll with the punches gracefully.

That starts by dropping the myth that the man is always in charge of making his lover orgasm. It takes teamwork and partnership. You both have to be more conscious of what you and your lover are feeling in each moment. You both have to be more expressive with words and body language. And that’s not much good unless you both pay attention to what’s happening with your partner as well as yourself.

For example, when I’m getting real close to coming, my wife knows it. She slows down when I need to. When she’s climbing, I find a way to lessen my excitement so I can help her over the top without losing it myself.

OK, that’s the theory. But if you haven’t studied Tantric Sex yet, what should you do if you want to put this strategy into action? Here are nine practical tips.

1. Take Turns

Take turns leading and following. Don’t expect him to be totally in charge of your pleasure all the time. When you need something more, guide him so he can lead. But when he’s approaching the point of no return, let him do what he needs to back off. Learn when to put your demands first and when to put his sensitivity first.

2. Communicate Verbally

Partnering for orgasmic sex doesn’t work best like a silent auction. Even your first time together, there’s a graceful way to ask for what you prefer. In fact, before we take our clothes off, I like to ask about my partner’s likes and dislikes. Where’s your G-spot? What does it and your clio (clitoris) prefer? What can I do to help you reach orgasm if that’s what you want? The woman can ask similar questions to help build a working partnership.

Does that spoil the mood? Well, maybe, the kind of rip-your-clothes-off can’t-wait-another-second unrealistic movie couplings. But we find that talking about what we’re going to do to each other and that we really want it is a huge turn-on.

Communication is even more important once you start making love. How are you feeling? What do you want more of and less of right now? What are you loving about your partner’s body and what it’s doing to you? Many say this kind of intimacy is even more erotic than non-stop humping.

3. Ask Him to Reveal How Close He Is

The most important fact to share frequently is how close you each are to coming. Sexologists recommend using a 10-point scale where 0 equals feeling nothing and 10 equals climaxing. Or maybe it’s enough for him to say “I’m close” when he needs to slow down. Sharing like this requires that he pays attention to his excitement level. And it brings the secret (how likely is it that he’ll come in a few seconds) out into the open so you can share the responsibility.

4. Welcome Him Showing How Close He Is

It’s true that announcing a number every few seconds may not help your erotic mood. Verbal communication is important, but it does require thinking when you’re trying to concentrate on feeling. So it’s even better to encourage your guy to SHOW his turn-on with non-verbal communication. He doesn’t want to inhibit his body doing its thing. Respond passionately when he breathes heavily, moves sensuously, wails and flails. Applaud when he makes love sounds. Celebrate it every time he lets his freak flag fly. Then they’ll be less need for play-by-play announcements and fewer unexpected surprises.

5. Monitor His Body Language

It won’t help much if he’s opening up but you’re not paying attention. Monitor his body language. The more you make love with someone, the better you’ll get at reading his signals. My wife can tell when I pull out or stop moving. Pretty obvious. But she can also tell when I tense up or just get less relaxed. Maybe it’s part telepathy. But I think she’s just staying awake and noticing my changes.

Watching him does require that you devote some of your RAM, your mental computer’s memory, away from your own pleasure. It’s a fundamental Tantric principle that “energy flows where attention goes.” So monitoring him the whole time may take you out of your own experience. That’s why alternately leading and following, focusing on him at times and yourself at times, is so helpful.

Some say that the three keys to a successful bar, store, or restaurant is location, location, location. Maybe so. But I do know that the three keys to coming together is timing, timing, timing.

6. Let Him Choose Positions

Some sexologists believe that it’s better for the guy if the woman is on top. Supposedly he can relax and not work as hard. That never seems to work for me. Sure, I love it when she’s riding me if I’m not too close. But when I’m hypersensitive, I’m much better able to regulate my excitement in different sexual positions where I have more control. Me on top or both of us on our sides work better for me. The also allow for a looser fit as well as other postures when she can spread her legs. I save the tighter fit positions for times I’m able to pump to her heart’s delight.

7. Let Him Choose the Pace

When he needs to manage his excitement, let him choose the pace. When he slows down to keep from going over the edge, follow him. When he’s less sensitive and goes faster, lose yourself and enjoy it.

8. Experiment With Strokes 

The better you understand the ten sweet spots (erogenous zones) on your man’s vajra (penis), the easier it will be to find sexual strokes that he’s less sensitive to. Sex books commonly say that the head and crown are the most excitable.

For the first 30 minutes or so that’s usually true for me. But after I’ve peaked multiple times without coming, lower on my shaft becomes “sweeter.” Before we understood this, the spasms of my wife’s yoni (vagina) usually made me climax. Now I switch to shallower strokes when I know she’s on the verge. This allows me to maintain the angle and speed of my thrusts while reducing my excitement.

Agree that you will play with speed, angle, depth, length, and pressure of sexual strokes to find thrusting patterns that keep him going while you’re climbing.

9. Sync Your Sexual Energy

How much sexual energy you generate determines how turned-on you each get. When you’re both climbing to a peak together, you can go for it. If he’s fully pumped up and you’re not, you need to learn to enjoy slow and subtle coupling. If he’s not as excited as you, you can become fully absorbed in your own pleasure.

But the flow of sexual electricity typically isn’t steady for long. It comes and goes in peaks and troughs. So a vital part of part of your orgasmic sex partnership is to synchronize the ebbs and flows of your passion. Adjusting your pace — speeding up or slowing down — is the most obvious way to respond to each other’s energy currents.

But since excitement is a moving target, how to stay in sync with each other’s energy is bound to change and morph. For example, after a few peaks I get less sensitive. So we tend towards looser postures and a slower pace at first. I don’t stick with the same thrusting pattern for long. My wife has learned to love drawing out the build-up with lots of tantalizing variety instead of pushing to come right away. Then when my genital boil simmers down, I can speed up, thrust deeper, and give her spells of the more vigorous pumping she’s craving.

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So there are the nine ways you can help your man last longer in bed. As you can see, extended coupling isn’t some silver bullet that one of you needs to learn how to shoot. Or not, as the case may be.

Is orgasmic sex natural? Well, the primal urge that makes beasts want to procreate might be. But the pursuit of maximum pleasure by conscious lovers isn’t. It’s a partnership that requires teamwork. It takes letting go of your fears and showing up fully. And it takes lots of experimenting, give and take, and practice.

I know this lovemaking style doesn’t match the fake-news porn-driven myth of animal lust that makes you both come in a couple minutes in a blaze of glory. When that rare fantasy comes true, enjoy it. But when it doesn’t, now you have nine things you can try so you’ll both get more of what you want.

Learning to make sex continuously orgasmic for long periods of time doesn’t come instantly. So expect that they’ll be fits and starts, ravings and stumblings, before you get it. It took us years to be able to do these nine things effortlessly. But isn’t lovemaking something that you’ll enjoy practicing no matter how well you do? It has been for us and continues to be after 21 years. And there’s no end to the orgasms in sight.

 

 

 

Love, Somraj

Meditate During Orgasm, Oral Sex for Him, Sure You’re Sex-Positive?

Here are some links to great articles that will help you understand how to practice Orgasmic Sex…

(Sorry you haven’t heard from me much this summer.  I was on an extended wilderness camping vacation. But home now with lots of blog posts brewing. The better news is I’m making great progress on my Tantric Novel.)

Meditate During Orgasm to Bring More Enlightenment Into The OMG-YES-YES-YESSS – Beducated Magazine

The Boys’ & Girls’ Guide to Giving Great Head Part 1: Essential Oral Tips for Fellatio or Blowjobs.

8 Ways To Be Positive You’re Sex Positive – The Frisky

Kegels for Guys, Orgasm Every Time, Communicate in Bed

Sorry but you won’t hear from me much this summer as I’m on an extended wilderness camping writing retreat.

To learn more about Orgasmic Sex, check out these articles with valuable insights and techniques…

3 BIG Reasons Guys Should Do Kegels | Dr Dick’s Sex Advice

I Orgasm Every Single Time I Have Sex’ (a great Article from an empowered woman who knows what she likes and demands that she always gets it )

How to Be More Vocal and Communicate in Bed | StyleCaster

7 Chakra Love, Good Oral Sex, Slut Manifesto

If you want to learn more about practicing Orgasmic Sex, here are some links to articles that will help…

How To Raise Your Erotic Consciousness by Making Love On The 7  Chakras (A limited intro to this powerful practice. Many more things you can do at each level but a good start to expanding your secpxaul energy connection.)

The Art of Giving Good Oral – A Sex Expert Tells Us How (a detailed how-to guide from a sexy woman) | Man of Many

A Slutty Girl’s Manifesto | This is a powerful and wise set of sex-positive guidelines that all of us regardless of gender or preference should adopt. | Slutty Girl Problems

 

Ejaculation Control, Find Your G-Spot, Premature Penetration

if you want to learn to practice Orgasmic Sex, here are a few articles that will speed your progress…

Tantric Ejaculation Control: Learn to Cum When *You* Want To (TantraAtTahoe.com has the ultimate ebook on the subject but these intro tips are valuable)  

How Do I Find My G-Spot? | StyleCaster

The Costs of Premature Penetration and Why It’s Essential to be Fully Turned On First- Beducated Magazine

Coach Your Lover, Edging Orgasms, Cervix Energy Orgasms

Read these articles to learn more about different aspects of Orgasmic Sex…

Quick, Easy Ways to Coach Lovers’ Sexual Moves | Psychology Today

What Is Edging and How You Can Vastly Improve Your Orgasms

Holy Shit! What My Cervix Has Taught Me (A brilliantly powerful story of opening to deeper pleasure through self-healing.)

Over the Top: Timing Is Everything When It Comes to Orgasm

Our lovemaking last night was interesting. And we coordinated even better this morning so that she could go over the top to orgasm.

This whole episode started yesterday evening as she got close. My natural reflex (and I think of a lot of guys) is to speed up when she approaches a sexual climax. But my Tantra training has taught me not to change anything as she’s peaking.

Now I realize that guideline can be confusing to lovers who’ve realized that women especially prefer lots of variety. Otherwise, after repeated strokes hitting one sweet spot (erogenous zone), her tissues get desensitized for a bit. So another part of my Tantric lovemaking repertoire is to change things up as I search for strokes and spots that generate the most passionate responses.

See, it’s all about timing. Vary your sexual moves most of the time, but keep on keeping on with what’s working when she’s getting close.

I thought I was following both guidelines during our evening delight. When the reaction to one stroke leveled or petered out, I would change the angle, depth, speed, or target. Everything seemed to be turning her on more and more since she was breathing deeper, moaning louder, and moving more erotically. As she peaked, she murmured “don’t change anything.” So I maintained the exact same thrusts that brought her near the edge.

Or at least I thought I did.

Unfortunately, it was my previous type of sexual stroke that was propelling her excitement upwards. You might have noticed that it’s sometimes hard to verbalize when passion is overwhelming your mind. She couldn’t get the words out fast enough last night. So by the time I heeded her guidance, I had already switched to a new kind of stroke. It was the last one she wanted me to continue. But I didn’t know that at the time.

Still, she came and loved it. But it seemed to both of us that, had I kept up the previous rhythm, the explosion would have been bigger and stronger. No point in being regretful about longing for what could have been. And it was all good, right? Besides, as we talked about what happened, we agreed there’s always tomorrow.

This morning things evolved in a similar way. But when she got near the edge this time, she simply said “slow.” Now, I’m pretty damned sure I was matching the speed her body wanted. She’s so passionate a lover that her body language was clearly communicating what was turning her on. So it seemed to me that we were in sync when she said “slow.” Regardless, from her point of view I was going too fast.

Fortunately, ego plays little part in our sexual play. So I slowed down and she had a big roaring over-the-top orgasm. Probably a whole new one, not a leftover from last night.

I’ve done this a lot of times on my own as she peaked. Apparently, when the thrusting slows it makes her push herself over the precipice. This time she asked for it and it was exactly the right thing.

If you want a moral to the story, here it is. For orgasmic sex, you have to monitor each other and communicate to stay in sync. You may follow some patterns that have worked in the past, but even more you have to stay present in the moment. Be easy, have fun, and enjoy yourself all you can.

 

Love, Somraj

Six Key Ways to Just Follow the Energy, Baby

“Follow the energy” is way common new-age advice that especially applies to Orgasmic Sex.

The first time I got this guidance was from a gorgeous nude woman at a naturist social gathering at my house. Back then I was so militant a nudist that I used to answer the door naked. Well, at least to my naturist friends. Later when I sat down to flirt with her, all she would reply was “It’s all about the energy, baby.” Since that was as close as I ever got to hooking up with her, I made a point of exploring her advice.

That was one of the reasons I started studying Tantra. Well, that and also because a new woman I was hot for was studying to be a Tantra teacher. I didn’t want to disappoint her even though I didn’t know at the time that we would be married not long after. We’ve been together and practicing Orgasmic Sex for 21 years now.

Tantra is an ancient eastern spiritual practice that utilizes lifeforce energy to raise consciousness. Since we’re so hung up about sex in the modern world, there’s lots of suppressed sexual energy waiting to be released. And enjoyed. As a result, most people new to the philosophy equate Tantra with Tantric Sex.

But it’s actually more about raising your awareness of yourself, your soul, your body, and your sensations. The way you experience all those things is through lifeforce energy.

I suppose it would help to define energy for those of you who find this sometimes vague term too vague to translate into the bedroom. Our latest book, Tantric Pathways to Supernatural Sex (to be published by Llewellyn Worldwide spring 2019), defines sexual energy this way…

The electromagnetic life force in the human body responsible for attraction, sexual desire, libido, sex drive, turn-on, and orgasm. Lovers experience it as a flow of nervous stimulation, physical excitation, and moving sensations. Also known as Orgasmic Energy and Kundalini. 

Now, there are a lot of forms of this bioenergy. When it’s pulsing in your heart, you feel it as love. When it’s buzzing in your third eye behind your forehead, your wisdom and intuition are sharpened. When you’re receiving a massage, it’s undoubtedly invigorating your whole nervous system. In fact, there are seven primary forms of lifeforce energy which is why Tantrics study the chakras, the seven energy centers arrayed along the spine from the pelvic floor to the crown of the head.

Horny lovers are often driven by lust which stems from the urge to propagate the species at the first chakra. When you rip each other’s clothes off and hump your way to a quick explosive release, no doubt you’re following that kind of energy. But when we talk about Orgasmic Sex, we’re referring to generating and exchanging energy at multiple chakras. All-chakra lovemaking undoubtedly creates the most ecstatic pleasure.

With all that in mind, let’s look at the six main ways to follow the energy, baby.

Search for Sweet Spots

I call erogenous zones sweet spots. Those are places on or inside your body that erupt with sensation when touched or stimulated. Rubbing or poking a sweet spot causes sexual energy to stream out and shower the body with pleasure. In Orgasmic Sex we target 43 distinct sweet spots, 18 in the male body and 25 in the female one. Hopefully you’re familiar with one of a woman’s most powerful ones, the clio (clitoris). Actually though a woman’s clio has seven different sweet spots: hood, pearl, shaft, two legs, and two bulbs. There’s also five distinct sweet spots on the head of a man’s vajra (penis) alone. 

The first way to follow the energy is to wander around and play with different sweet spots to find out what feels good right now.

Keep Doing What Causes a Reaction

Sometimes we get so caught up in how good it feels that we forget our partner. You won’t know what your playmate is enjoying if you don’t pay attention. Body language provides clearcut communication if your honey lets their passion show. And if you monitor his or her skin color, breath, body motions, and sounds.

When you notice what’s causing turn-on, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that you should keep doing it. The energy is telling you where to concentrate.

Move Your Focus

Sexual stimulation is a moving target. Say you’re licking something for a while and the reaction subsides. You’re not doing anything wrong. That’s just how bodies are. Excitement comes and goes. So you need to move your focus.

Sure, sometimes your sucking or stroking is so right on that you can make your baby climb all the way to orgasm. But even then, if you want to make Orgasmic Sex last as long as you can like we do, you might want to switch to other sweet spots.

When the sensitivity decreases in one zone and increases in another, follow it.

Let It Spread

Energy pooled in one place can stream out and settle in another. We really love it when kundalini spreads, excites other sweet spots, and ultimately fills our whole body. Then you have two or more erogenous zones generating turn-on in your body. Letting it flow where it will is the path to blended full-body orgasms. So when your excitement grows, follow it.

Reach Out Psychically

I think great lovers listen to their intuition. When I first started practicing Tantra, brief visions of erotic moves would flash through my mind. Like changing positions. Or pulling out and going down for a taste of oral sex. But at first I didn’t notice these fleeting images.

When I got more experience and confidence, I realized that these inspirations were subtle kundalini talking to me. So I started to heed them. Which makes me a much more unpredictable lover now. Fortunately, my lovers seem to get off on me changing things up. At least until they’re ready for me to help them over the top.

I call this skill whimsy and it’s a key practice in our latest book. So to follow the energy, let your whims lead you. Now you might ask if it’s your energy or you sweetie’s that’s calling to you? Could be one, or the other, or both. But really who cares as long as you’re keep each other’s body guessing and having lots of fun.

Share the Energy

You can enjoy sexual energy in the above ways just by playing with yourself. In Tantra we definitely celebrate self-pleasuring.

But there is a final key when making love with another energy-aware person. When you’re both following the energy, it can arc between you. A sweet spot in each of your bodies can hook up and create a passion circuit.  Any chakra that’s open, charged, and firing can link up with your playmate’s.

Which is why touching, kissing, and looking into each other’s eyes while your jewels (genitals) are coupling is so much sweeter. In fact, that allows you to open multiple passion circuits at once. Then the kundalini can cycle in and out between you in energy circles.

When the passion starts leaping back and forth, isn’t that something you love to follow?

# # #

There you have it: six ways to just follow the energy, baby…

  • Search for sweet spots
  • Keep doing what causes a reaction
  • Move your focus
  • Let it spread
  • Reach out psychically
  • Share the energy.

After making love this way thousands of times in our over twenty years together, Orgasmic Sex never gets old, stale, or boring.

But maybe you’ve got some other tricks to follow the energy and keep things fresh. Please comment below or shoot me an email here. I’d love to learn what turns you on.

 

Love, Somraj