There is so much fantastic free advice about Orgasmic Sex on the internet. Here are a few links to articles that will help you find new ways to maximize your passion every time you do it.
The 3-Step Formula to Turn Ordinary Sex Into Something Magical Every Time
Did you ever have one of those rare erotic encounters that electrified your body, blew your mind, and launched you into the stratosphere with the incomparable feeling that there was no separation between you and your lover?
Here we want to share with you the three-step formula to transform run-0f-the-mill lovemaking into Supernatural Sex like this. Every time you choose. While we’re at it, we’ll reveal many of the details in our new book, Tantric Pathways to Supernatural Sex. We’re excited to announce that we just submitted the final revision to our publisher, Llewellyn Worldwide.
“Sacred Sexual Secrets” Newsletter #297 published 9/27/18
Published by Somraj Pokras & Jeffre TallTrees
ISSN 1540-8825 (c) Copyright 2018 by TantraAtTahoe.com
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This free ezine (scroll to the end if you want to unsubscribe) offers practical sex tips derived from modern sex research and the ancient wisdom of Tantra and the Kama Sutra. We teach Supreme Bliss Tantra to help you deepen relationship intimacy and reach astounding heights of sexual ecstasy through long-distance learning and hands-on training. Our Motto: Deeper Into The Heart Of Sex
There are many names for Supernatural Sex. Tantric Sex is the generic term, though lately we’ve been promoting it as Orgasmic Sex. What do these names mean?
Supernatural Sex is a kind of sexual union that’s way beyond ordinary sex. For sure, any kind of consensual play that makes you feel pleasure is a wonderful thing. But typically ordinary sex is a biological process ruled by lust and regulated by hormones. You might say it’s more an animal reflex than a willful sharing of spiritual love.
Ripping off clothes, quick release, and fast orgasm are the goals of ordinary sex.
Don’t misunderstand. We vote for hot quickies anytime you can get them. Especially if they result in orgasmic sensations. It’s just that all too often ordinary sex perpetuates the orgasm gap. You know, where he comes too fast and she’s left wanting.
Supernatural Sex doesn’t just focus on getting off now, but instead creates a continuously orgasmic state of shared passion. It works equally well for hetero sex, same sex, and solo sex. And it usually lasts longer and takes you higher. That’s why you might call it a pathway to divine communion. Being one with your beloved and the entire universe.
Though it’s extraordinary and may seem mystical at first, it’s not really magic. Sure, it takes a little practice. But don’t you think an hour-long orgasmic state is something you’d be willing to invest some time and effort in?
Supernatural Sex is a Tantric approach that expands your sensuality and the intimacy between you. It does this by activating multiple heart, mind, and soul connections while you’re giving and receiving pleasure.
Which is why you have to practice together. Supernatural Sex is a partnered style of lovemaking.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
If you want to pursue Supernatural Sex, you only need to master three steps…
- Identify the spot just before your climax explodes where your sensations are so overpowering.
- Do whatever you can to get as close to that crescendo at the edge of the cliff.
- Stay there as long as you want while your pleasure soars higher and higher.
Admittedly, this is a simplification of the hundreds of pages and dozens of exercises in our new book. Another way to describe this formula is by saying instead of rushing to big O, bypass the urge for early gratification. Put all your attention on enjoying the ride. Alternately pace your excitement to rise in a measured way.
Easier said than done, right?
You might have noticed that you can do these three steps solo. We’re strong proponents of self-pleasuring and not just because it feels so good. Masturbation that aims for extended pleasure is a great way to learn these three little skills. And prepare you to coach your playmate to give you everything you want.
As we mentioned, to reach the stellar heights possible with Supernatural Sex, you need to do it together. Undoubtedly, helping another person float at the verge of coming is a bigger challenge.
Do you know all of your playmates’ pleasure buttons and the best ways to push them? Do you continuously communicate what you want and how you’re doing? Do you let your passion show non-verbally? Can you always read each other’s body language?
In short, can you seamlessly exchange roles of giving and receiving so you both synchronize your climb to a shared plateau of ecstasy?
Turn Theory Into Practice
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
That’s the theory. Well, more than a theory for those of us who’ve been practicing Supernatural Sex for over 20 years now. But it’s still a bit too general to turn into actual practice. So let’s look into what you can do to make the magic happen.
First, you have to learn to manage the energy crisis. That is, the sexual energy crisis. What exactly is sexual energy?
When you’re getting sexually turned-on, you can feel a small trickle of nervous stimulation and physical excitation, alive, bubbling, moving, and vibrating inside you. This is sexual energy, which you probably feel most strongly right before and right after orgasm.
We often use the ancient Tantric term, kundalini, in place of sexual energy. It’s the electromagnetic lifeforce in the human body responsible for attraction, sexual desire, libido, sex drive, turn-on, pleasure, and orgasm. Kundalini erotically charges your pleasure centers and makes you explode in a blaze of glory.
The bad news about quick explosive orgasm is that it squanders your kundalini.
To play in the rarefied atmosphere of Supernatural Sex, you need to become more sensitive to kundalini. You need to know where it’s hiding and how to entice it to expand and rise. You need to learn to channel it to and from all of your erogenous zones. Our new book calls them sweet spots and explains how to find and stimulate them all with helpful illustrations.
Did you know the men have 20 sweet spots and women have 30? Using them all to trigger soaring waves of passion is fundamental to Supernatural Sex.
- * * *
That’s all for now. We’ll go deeper into sweet spots and kundalini in the second installment of How to Make Sex Supernatural next month. If you can’t wait, get free tips and sexual guidance more often on our blog here… http://tantraattahoe.com/blog/
Love, Somraj and Jeffre
Orgasmic Sex Blog
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Somraj Pokras & Jeffre TallTrees
11260 Donner Pass Road C1#139, Truckee, CA 96161
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SUPREME BLISS TANTRA
Supreme Bliss is the zenith of sexual ecstasy which transforms orgasmic energy into expanded consciousness.
Supreme Bliss Tantra is the modern system of personal transformation based on the ancient Eastern spiritual path which uses sexual energy practices to…
– deepen love and intimacy,
– extend lovemaking, and
– create continuous full-body mind-altering Tantric Orgasms.
By opening your senses of the present moment, embracing all of life and all of your being, and focusing on pleasure as a divine gift, Supreme Bliss Tantra…
– heals your mind, body, and spirit,
– connects you passionately with your deeper self and your beloved, and
– immerses you deeply into the untold joys of sacred sexuality to
reach cosmic peaks of pleasure to make life an ecstatic journey in total communion with all that is.
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I spent a lot of years having sex that didn’t involve my butt. It was usually great but I had no idea what I was missing.
How come? Well, I was worried that it was dirty. And I was so tight-assed that first attempts at entry hurt.
But mostly I had no idea how incredible it could be.
Three things helped me change all that. First was my Tantra training 20 years ago. That’s how I learned about pelvic armoring. Armoring is when parts of the body get perennially stiff and tense from false beliefs, traumas, and other negative experiences. An armored crotch is a common byproduct of toilet training. As is getting caught masturbating or doing it in the back of your old Chevy. It’s a condition many of us share due to frustrating, stressful, or painful sexual experiences.
Tantra taught me that slow, gentle, deep bodywork can help clear armoring back there. And other places too like a woman’s yoni (vagina).
Over the years I’ve had a lot of this kind of clearing thanks to my wife’s supportive sex-positive attitude. And my FOMO (fear of missing out). Gradually the tension was replaced with more relaxation and more pleasure.
Why does anal play feel so good? Well, it’s naughty and some of us like to walk on the wild side. Yes, that includes me, first in line for something new and kinky. Plus, the tissues are connected to my other highly sensitive jewels. You remember what that old song says, “the ass bone is connected to the cock bone?”
Oh, yeah, let’s not forget how many nerve endings are down there.
The second thing was my longtime girlfriend who is a colonic hydrotherapist. That is to say that she specializes in enemas. Now this is a beautiful and sexy woman who is very butt friendly. And always clean.
Not to mention how much she likes me fucking her fresh butt.
Now I’ve tried enemas before and thought it wasn’t really worth all the trouble. Well, until I got hooked on ass play. Then we remodeled our bathroom and installed a bidet so that we’d have cleaner jewels all the time. Little did I realize how motivated I’d be to wash my butt after each visit to the toilet.
So after this third thing I had no excuse but to start using fingers and toys in my backdoor. The more I did it, the more I loved it.
It seems to me that anal play adds more cylinders to my 4-cylinder sexual motor. The pleasure I get is now more like the power of a high-performance V8 engine.
Something else is happening too. While a hand, mouth, or yoni is stroking my cock, active fingers or a vibrating butt plug supercharges my pleasure. It’s more than just stronger sensations. Backdoor stimulation blends in a whole new sort of rocket fuel into the mix.
You might wonder why that would be. If you know anything about a guy’s orgasm control center, you understand. I’m talking about the prostate gland. Or what some call the male G-Spot.
When my G-spot is prodded, it’s as if a swarm of pleasure bees are released inside. They wait in the hive around my prostate until they’re awakened. Then their fast little wings massage me from the inside and make me swoon each time they stream through my body.
Last night I had several 30 to 60 second orgasms that way. They were a new variety that I’ve only had before with my vajra (penis) being excited. I call them dry orgasms because there’s no ejaculation.
Still, everything in my pelvis was vibrating at a high frequency spreading waves of sensation everywhere. Like I was driving 100 mph on the freeway until I blasted into orbit. The muscles that make me squirt were convulsing big time except the one around my prostate gland that ejects semen. That’s why I can have them over and over for a long while.
In my new ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making three of the twelve different types of orgasm are exclusively for men: Ejaculation, G-spot, and Dry. So I was having lovely energy eruptions that blended the last two.
You know, I’ve been practicing Tantric Sex for 20 years now and it’s amazing how much I keep discovering. If you’re like me and love to explore your inner erotic world, I highly recommend it.
My Solo Anal Play Yielded Profound Personal Growth and Liberating Spiritual Sexual Healing
Playing with my butt has been one of the most revealing personal growth experiences I’ve ever had.
Am I saying that anal sex is a spiritual practice? Well, I guess I am. But that depends on how you approach it.
Recognizing that certain sex acts vault me to higher sexual orbits is what prompted this exploration where the sun don’t normally shine. (I wrote about this a couple weeks ago in my blog post entitled “Sexual Energy Orbits: How to Catapult Yourselves up to the Most Sensational Pleasure Zones.”)
Even though I know that personal freedom is an inner journey, I’ve been expanding myself through spiritual sex for nearly twenty years now. It’s taught me more about myself than all talk therapies in the world combined. So how exactly does that work?
Spiritual sex means to be aware of your body, mind, and soul while you accept your sexual desires and act on them fully.
Let’s Get Drunk And Screw
Being a somewhat evolved horny guy, I’m not against the age-old relationship axiom — “Let’s get drunk and screw.” Today that probably shows up more as “Let’s get stoned and make divine love.”
But for me erotic play is so much richer when I’m conscious of everything that’s happening. Then I can steer the action so I get everything I want while I’m attending to my partner’s needs and wants. Often I get new pleasures that I didn’t expect.
My whole life I’ve sought to rid myself of inhibitions. Maybe, like so many other teenagers, that’s an outgrowth of rebelling against my father’s authority. Whatever.
What I found in my recent solo anal play is that I’ve got hangups I didn’t know were limiting my fun.
Me squeamish? Seriously?
I can’t begin to count how many times I believed that I arrived only to find how much more there was to look at. With my unshakable self-image, I was sure I could handle unlimited pleasure. At least until I bumped up against the edge of my comfort zone and found my own limits.
So again and again I dedicated myself to practice until I released “all” resistance. Usually it wasn’t long before I had to pick myself up and realize how much more inner work awaited me.
The Sensible Hygiene Of Anal Play
A case in point is the hygiene of anal play. As my sex life has been expanding in recent years, I’ve welcomed any gentle-at-first penetration back there from lovers I trust. Lovers who are as fun and fastidious as I am.
Damn, I’ve had so much pleasure when they put things in my butt: fingers, toys, and vajras (penises).
But I discovered that I’m reluctant to put my own fingers in my butt.
Any young woman whose mother taught her not to wipe forward realizes we all want to keep the bacteria from the rosetta (asshole) away from the yoni (vagina). Or either gender’s mouth for that matter.
Such programming was a critical part of my Tantric sexual healing that opened up my backdoor initially. Tight-assed is more than a social slur, it’s a diagnosis of the energy blockages that inhibited lovers and people in general have.
When the issues are in the tissues, especially around the rosetta, they restrict one’s sexual freedom and lots more.
You see, I love to play full out without inhibitions. That’s partly a result of my robust libido. But even more so it stems from the personal growth I’ve done around becoming more sex-positive.
Damn Those Restrictive Inner Rules
So, as I was saying, what I found was that I had all sorts of inner rules about where I could put my hands when playing with myself. When I lube up a sex toy and slide it in my butt, undoubtedly that hand gets contaminated with the kind of germs we don’t want to spread.
My Tantric training, or call it conscious sexuality, included always being alert to what one touches with those dirty digits. That’s wise to avoid later unwanted infections. But when I got an urge to, for example, add my second hand to massage my cockhead, I heard a loud “No!” from my inner critic.
Since I can’t put my vajra in my mouth in my most limber moments, there was no chance of making myself sick. And since this was solo play, there was no chance of infecting my beloved’s yoni. And yet I was unwilling to follow my whims and play with whatever part of my body wanted attention.
That’s where spiritual sex came to the rescue. It’s all about witnessing what’s going on in my body, mind, and soul while I’m reveling in pleasure. Not only was I conscious of what I wanted to do to myself, I was also conscious of what was holding me back.
So I lubed up my second hand and slowly slid it in and out of my rosetta. Wow, was it great! It supercharged the pleasure that my other hand was creating by stroking my vajra.
It felt so good that after a while I got the urge to grab vajra’s head with my dirty hand. Sure enough the injunction was still there. I looked at and decided there was no harm as long as I washed up afterwards.
As a result, for a few minutes I had the most ecstatic two-handed masturbation you can imagine.
Letting My Freak Flag Fly
What I was discovering was that my self-pleasuring habits followed well-worn grooves. These were uninspected patterns that limited what I would let myself enjoy.
I thought I was a devoted disciple of the spirit of David Crosby’s song “Almost Cut My Hair” which advocated letting my freak flag fly.
One of the things all my Tantric sex ebooks advocate is whimsy. That’s recognizing when you’ve got a whim and acting on it. Like you want to switch from the top to the bottom or the reverse while making love. Or pull out and lick the juices from your coupling or swivel around to enjoy some luscious 69. Or play with yourself while you’re going at it.
Honor your whims instantly is the secret to fully letting yourself go. Sexual energy is a continuous river of potential pleasure. Let yourself go with the flow and passion engulfs you.
My inner blockages to my own whims created mental grooves that restricted my sexual freedom. When a whim surfaced, I would ignore it without even considering it. My old worn-out beliefs were blindly blocking my consciousness at decision points.
That’s exactly what happened when I got the urge to use both hands to stroke my cock but one had just been in my rosetta.
When a lover is passionately steaming down the road towards a Big O, they rarely notice what happens at these pleasure crossroads.
Like when the vibrator that I was sitting on which felt great a moment ago stopped generating pleasure. This was a crossroads. The thought occurred to me to lube it up and shove it inside my butt. I was sure I had loosened up enough so that I could take it and love it even more.
But instead of going for it, instead of following my bliss in the moment, my puritan programming blocked it.
We all seek balance in life. I thought I was operating with a good balance between pleasure and cleanliness. But I realized I was a victim of my own overly hygienic fastidiousness.
Now I’m not into deep psychoanalysis that drives me to figure out why I was inhibited. Just witnessing what I’m doing gives me the choice to change. So seeing how I was limiting my options for pleasure allowed me to change my habits.
Different Than a Sudden Flash of Clarity
This didn’t happen like a sudden flash of clarity. It evolved in stages. First, I let my fingers have their way with my rosetta. But at first I was still uncomfortable using that hand for anything else. So I decided it would be OK to play with my balls while my other hand was busy sliding up and down my shaft.
Next I realized there was really no harm in using the contaminated hand on my vajra as well. It wasn’t going anywhere dangerous. So I had fun for a while enjoying some two-handed self-pleasure.
Then I needed more lube. And I shocked myself with the thought that both hands were now dirty and would contaminate the lube bottle. But so what? This was my private stash that stayed by my computer while I was enjoying my carefully curated porn collection.
So I threw caution to the winds and declared my lube “on-limits,” too. That’s the opposite of off-limits if you missed the reference.
These were just a few of the layers peeling off the onion that I went through. It’s still continuing each time I play with myself. But now I’m extra excited when I bump into another internal barrier. I can look at it sensibly and decide if I’m being held back by outmoded restrictions or if there’s no danger in letting my freak flag fly.
In retrospect my story is an isolated example of the kind of sexual healing we all need over and over. Hopefully I’ve inspired you to look at what’s holding you back from what your body, mind, and spirit want. And then go for it.
Enjoy! And I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.
Sexologists like me — and lots of normal people — believe that masturbation is good. It feels good, it’s good for your body and mind, and it’s the ultimate in safe sex. And when you’re climbing the walls, it’s a great way to relax. Plus it’s always close at hand.
If you’re in a relationship, it can be very educational when you use masturbation to improve your sex life. Doing yourself is a great way to learn what you need and shows you what you need to teach your partner.
Orgasms are a use-it-or-lose-it kind of ability for those who don’t come so easily.
If you haven’t tried doing it in front of each other, you have a fun experience ahead. One study showed that 85% of people masturbate while in relationship. So I suggest that a major part of embracing a fully sex-positive attitude is accepting that masturbation is a healthy and natural part of life.
Besides, those of us who enjoy getting themselves off aren’t likely to stop anytime soon. It seems to me better if we learn to make peace with it.
I’ve Enjoyed It Many Ways
As a youngster — and by that I mean from my teenage years until 50 — I did it a lot. More than daily at first and several times a week as I aged. And a lot of ways and in lots of places. Outside in nature was my favorite. And still is on my top-five list.
Being a young male without any sex education, my aim was release. You know, to relieve the pressure of lust preying on my otherwise brilliant, objective, and superior mind. For a while at least I was more able to treat people I found attractive with some degree of appropriate respect and maturity.
Oh, and so I didn’t get blue balls.
Yeah, I’ve always had a real strong sex drive. It was like a river during spring flood carrying me with it. And because I didn’t know any other way of coping, sometimes it was like an irresistible tsunami.
Sure, I felt a little embarrassed and guilty about my habit. But I didn’t think I had a problem or was particularly perverted. I just had this urge and found a private way to deal with it.
Then I found Tantra. If you’re unfamiliar with this ancient spiritual philosophy, just think of it as a way to accept yourself — your soul, mind, body, and sexuality — fully. Basically, Tantra is a bunch of practices beginning with meditation and breathing designed to help you harness your lifeforce energy. And, of course, when you’re horny there’s lots of energy alive within you that’s jerking you around looking for an outlet.
Transmute Your Sexual Desires?
You might expect a guru (not me) to advocate that you use spiritual practices to transmute your sexual desires into higher consciousness. Yogis have done it for millennia. Well, that’s a wonderful prescription if it works for you.
But all too often putting advice like this into action results in suppressing your innate erotic energy flows. Not good! Trying to dam the powerful current of libido usually fails. And with nowhere to go, the unreleased energy does cause perversions: unwanted sexual advances, damaging abuse, and traumatic violence.
This is not what the creator had in mind when endowing us with our natural sex drives. I firmly believe if even the weirdos amongst us had healthier sex lives the world would be much safer for women and children.
Now, even at 70, I make love a lot. With more longies than quickies. With more enduring pleasure than rushing headlong to ejaculation. With my Tantric training, I’ve learned to let the sexual tidal wave carry me to higher planes of satisfaction typically without a wet orgasm.
I guess I could say that I’ve made peace with my robust erotic current. I let it infuse me with vitality, joy, and creativity. It makes my life richer and more fun than when I was trying to repress my naturally sexy state.
Self-Pleasuring With The Emphasis On “Pleasure”
These days when I have sexual urges, desires, and fantasies, I self-pleasure. OK, from the outside that looks just like masturbation. But from the inside it’s different.
Tantric self-pleasuring doesn’t rush me headlong towards getting myself off and relieving the pressure as quickly as possible. Instead, it’s about giving myself pleasure. Long-lasting, more intense pleasure than I ever got from a quick squirt.
Some call it self-love. That’s a popular concept in new-age spiritual thought. Certainly, making myself feel good by playing with my body demonstrates that I love myself. But even more, it’s about being fully alive. Regulating, condemning, and going to war against my sexual nature always made me feel worse.
Today I use the easily recharged reservoir of sexual energy to keep myself young, fit, and happy.
Tantric masturbation — or self-pleasuring as I prefer to call it — is all about the energy flowing through my body. Since it’s mostly focused on my genitals, my practice raises, expands, and spreads the life-giving sensations everywhere.
In Tantra we call this “running energy.” It’s the conscious skill of infusing every cell, tissue, and system with the excitement that’s usually confined to the sex organs. Running energy makes me shiver, shudder, and shake. It feels like every cell is coming.
If you can recapture the sensory memories of how an orgasm feels, imagine those sensations lasting for minutes at a time all over. That’s my motivation for Tantric self-pleasuring.
So instead of trying to make myself ejaculate and relieve the pressure, I turn myself on and spread the excitement as long as I can. Sometimes that’s for hours, but at my age if I’m tired or achey my self-love sessions get somewhat limited.
How I Do It
There’s no Tantric magic in my personal hand-jobs. But there is in what’s going on inside.
Usually I watch my favorite brand of porn. Interestingly enough, the preferred visual fantasy seems to be a very personal choice amongst my best friends and lovers. Yes, we share even what many would consider theses most intimate privacies.
One boyfriend prefers videos of complete sex scenes. Another specializes in pictures and movies of coming. Another only gets super titillated from erotic stories.
Go figure, huh? Different strokes for different folks. Literally!
And in a different way, erotic images serve my female lovers, too. When really aroused and wanting to climax, immersing themselves mentally in one of their favorite fantasies often does the trick. That’s probably why there’s such a groundswell of interest in kinky role-playing these days, largely the result of the popularity of the 50 Shades Of Grey books and movies.
My preference is pictures or short animated clips of penetrative sex. Yes, the sexy bodies and glorious private parts entice me. But his erect tool entering her jade garden (that’s the ancient Chinese euphemism for the pussy) is my favorite.
You might ask how we all gravitate towards our favorite images. For me, it’s simple. How does it make me feel? Sometimes one configuration of a couple’s bodies does nothing for me while another one that’s not much different floats my cork big time.
That means it shoots streamers of sexual electricity inside and fills me with that delightful erotic magnetism. So to decide what I want to look at while I’m stroking myself, all I need to do recognize is how much energy is flowing inside me.
How Real Is It?
Recently I’ve noticed that some images actually make me feel like I’m penetrating that lover on my computer screen.
In other words, the experience of watching porn while self-pleasuring simulates the sensations of actual sex. It doesn’t seem to be as intense or last as long, so I’m not advocating doing away with making love with a real-life orgasmic partner.
But when I can realistically imagine what making love with that pornstar actually feels like, I thoroughly enjoy myself. Does my this fantasy world in my head make me lust after them? Well, yes, of course. But I view it as a consensual fantasy. They wouldn’t broadcast pictures of their bodies if they didn’t expect them to be used this way.
So what is Tantric masturbation all about, then? My aim is to make myself feel the supreme bliss that is everyone’s inherent birthright.
Hopefully this explains why Tantric self-pleasuring is a vital part of my spiritual practice. If I wasn’t proud of what I’ve developed, would I be sharing this so openly with you?
May you openly make peace with your own masturbation style and find a healthy way to infuse your life with such ecstasy.
A robust sex life is natural and healthy. Yet few of us learn how to extract all the pleasure we can out of making love with others and with ourselves. We can do better if we fully adopt a sex-positive attitude. Here’s how we define that in our latest ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making…
An attitude and mindset of lovers who know that sex is a good thing, that it’s a natural part of life, that it’s healthy, and that they deserve as much pleasure as they can get in any way they choose to get it.
If you’re really sex-positive, you’ll explore and expand three sexual roles: adventurer, exhibitionist, and voyeur.
Now before you freak and think I mean you have to become a promiscuous pervert, take a breath. No, you can do all three in the privacy of your primary relationship. Or with yourself.
Sexual adventurers are lovers who are willing to try new things, to experiment, and to expand their comfort zones. That might include doing more creative self-pleasuring and enjoying yourself more often. That’s our fancy name for masturbation which, to most people, means getting yourself off. But to us Tantric types it’s more about learning what your body likes, expanding your repertoire, and making it last. We usually choose a hot longie over a primal quickie. Well, not always.
Sex toys are a natural complement that can broaden your inner horizons. For example, I can’t comfortably reach my rosetta (anus) for long. So when I want to add anal pleasure to my self-love, a butt plug or vibrator is a welcome addition.
With a partner, being more adventuresome might include asking for more manual, oral, or anal play. How about getting a Kama Sutra book and trying new positions? Why not try it in every room and on every piece of furniture in your house? We still remember the rug burns from the stairs during one of our awesome tours some time back. Or in the shade of the forest or in the car at night with a panoramic view of the city? Mulholland Drive overlooking Los Angeles was one of my teenage fantasies that I didn’t get to enjoy enough. Anyway the windows steam up pretty quick, right?
Being a sexual adventurer starts with taking an honest look at what you’re getting and what you want more of. If you’re coupled, that means both doing that and then talking about it. No doubt, sexual communication is one of the major challenges in long-term relationships. But if you’re aiming to become a thoroughly sex-positive adventurer, it all starts with honesty, authenticity, and transparency. I know, big words that mean be real and be open.
When you’re ready to go public, taking a sex workshop can be eye-opening. Most respect your boundaries and comfort level so they don’t usually resemble an orgy. Jeffre and I met at one — a class not an orgy — so we’re strong advocates of attending a type of group that strikes your fancy. In fact, we met at a series of six Sex, Love, & Intimacy workshops conducted by the Human Awareness Institute. There aren’t any optional public sexual activities until midway through the levels. But we did make love the second night in our private tent. The rest is history.
We’re active in the Sex Positive Meetup group in our area. We understand there are many others around the country. These are groups of people of all sexual preferences who get together regularly to talk, learn, and practice. We do workshops for them as do other sexologists. They’re very respectful as they help new members explore their turn-ons and discover their true sexual identity.
These are just a smattering of ideas. For sure, there are lots more opportunities a little Googling can uncover in your area.
A primer on becoming more sexually adventuresome wouldn’t be complete without mentioning walking on the wild side with assorted kinks and fetishes. Cross-dressing, dressing up, dressing down begin the list. And then there’s ropes and restraints, leashes and handcuffs. The popularity of 50 Shades Of Grey has certainly raised awareness about BDSM practices (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism). We have a thorough survey of the whole spectrum of vanilla to extreme sexual play in our new ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making.
Since monogamy has been the norm for many generations, sexual adventurers also engage in various forms of open relationships. It might look like swinging, sex parties, or polyamory. The politically-correct term today is CNM, consensual non-monogamy. Though most everyone you’ve ever met has cheated or come close to it, CNM is different. It’s having sex with outside lovers with the knowledge and blessing of your partner. And sometimes all together. Though some lovers actually form families larger than two, our practice is to play with a small circle of intimates once or twice a month. Our current extended family includes two hetero couples and one single woman.
So how far out of your comfort zone have I pushed you so far? If you’re a bit uncomfortable reading this short list of some of the possible options should convince you that we all live in an inhibited puritanical culture. There are so many satisfying ways to have adult fun that you might get off on but probably aren’t even trying. Are you ready to move out of your comfort zone and and stretch your boundaries?
I’m not trying to persuade you to do things that you have no curiosity and or attraction to. But when something piques your interest, maybe it’s time to test the waters. That’s what sex-positive lovers do. Consciously, carefully, and after extensive communication with partners.
Admittedly, practicing exhibitionism sounds inappropriate, if not illegal in most places. But if you’re on the path of becoming totally sex-positive, shouldn’t you be proud of demonstrating your sexual prowess?
If orgasms are a divine gift as most sexologists acknowledge, who does it serve to keep them private?
Again, I’m not urging that you follow the Beatles advice and do it in the road. In fact, I’m reminded of my first wife’s prejudice again public male masturbators. She grew up in Sweden and enjoyed lots more sexual freedom than I did in the US. Yet she scoffed at the frequent “village idiots” as she called them who would expose themselves as she walked around town. Her response was to look down at their crotches and laugh. That usually put them off their game immediately.
No, we’re talking about sexual pride with a belief system like, “My body is my temple and I’m proud of it. I value the pleasure it brings me and want to share my good feelings with those I love. I welcome them watching me enjoying myself.” Where appropriate and welcomed, it can be highly erotic to parade your pleasure.
I was able to develop my exhibitionist personality by attending nudist clubs and camps. Many years ago a few close friends camped at a clothing-optional community that was hosting Nudestock. That was a recreation of Woodstock with local bands and no clothes. Way fun.
If you need any evidence that showing off your privates is hot, consider the popularity of sexting. Doesn’t receiving a boob pic, pussy pic, or dick pic from your main squeeze turn you on? Or an acquaintance you’ve been lusting for? I’m not endorsing strangers showering you with sexts, but where there’s already a connection, it’s certainly a welcome growth area for foreplay.
I first experienced a thrill from public self-pleasuring during my formative Tantra training at Margot Anand’s Love And Ecstasy Training. One evening all 80 students created their own little nest in our huge classroom. As the lights dimmed and the soft music played, we all started playing with ourselves. We couldn’t really see how our neighbors were enjoying their bodies, but we could sure hear them. Knowing that my classmates were surfing orgasmic peak after orgasmic peak as I was, added to my excitement.
This ritual undoubtedly prepared me to join the Center For Sex And Culture‘s National Masturbation Day event some years later. At a theatre in San Francisco’s Tenderloin District, several hundred of us pranced around naked playing with ourselves. No touching or sexual contact even with our partners was allowed. It was all about honoring self-love. Some even put on a show in front of a live webcam. I wasn’t ready for that then, but I did have my first experience with a sex machine with a small audience.
There other opportunities not limited to the public eye. You can exercise your innate exhibitionism at home through mutual masturbation. For some couples, touching themselves in front of their partner is a stretch all by itself. But if you’re sex-positive, why not? Like stripping and dancing naked, being watched while you touch yourself can be super steamy. When you both do yourselves at the same time, the synergy can be off the charts. Foreplay, sex breaks, afterplay – I can think of lots of times when it’s a wonderful thing. Maybe I need to be harder, maybe she needs to be wetter, or maybe we’re just up for a shift in the energy. Or when one of us is playing hard to get and we want to prove that we can look after ourselves if need be.
Sure, sometimes the surprise of what I’m doing to my playmate is way hot. But, let’s face, my lovers know their bodies better than me. So if they want to touch themselves, I say “go for it.” It’s really hot watching. Besides, I might learn something. I have one lover who swoons whenever I play with myself in front of her. She certainly has trained me to put on a show for her even at those moments when she’s not ready to be penetrated.
A central theme of our new ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making is opening and flooding energy channels with sexual electromagnetism. One prominent technique we call the “Add-On.” That’s when you or your partner plays with another erogenous zone while you’re making love. I particularly love stroking myself while my honey is using my favorite vibrating butt plug inside me.
When you’re ready to experiment with opening your relationship, you’ll need your inner exhibitionist to come out and play. Isn’t that obvious? You’ll be naked and hopefully partaking of the action in front of someone else. Would a stranger or a close friend be more comfortable or hotter?
A relatively easy way to wade in is via soft swapping. That’s when you make love in the same room with another person or couple. Maybe you’ve dreamed of a lusty threesome with that busty or well-hung friend. But are you ready for the other lover — or your partner — watch you go at it?
I remember a threesome with my wife and another beautiful woman at a party that demonstrated this. The other woman laid next to us as we made love, holding each of our hands. She didn’t want to participate at that moment, but we shared our bubble of orgasmic energy with her. She was lapping it up, smiling, moaning right along with us. It really turned us on that we could revel in ecstasy next to her while she was celebrating our passion.
Many progressive sexuality workshops will handle the gradient of exposure delicately. And modern professionals will demand enthusiastic consent without pressure before you get involved at any level. So when you’re ready, learning groups can be an ideal way to dip a naked toe in the water here and there.
Sex parties probably require the most developed exhibitionists. Sure, sometimes swing clubs have private rooms. But the real action tends to happen out in the open on the multiple mattresses next to each other. When you’re ready for that, watching and being watched sure intensifies the sexual energy.
My first experience of that was actually in a Tantra workshop where I served as an assistant instructor. As a demonstration for new students, my wife Jeffre gave me an elaborate two-hour Multiple Orgasm With Ecstasy session surrounded by about 100 students and staff. I had never been that high for so long before, likely due to in being so public. Because I was so energetically open to everyone’s rapt attention, I vibrated with ecstasy for an hour after everywhere else left.
A person who gains sexual pleasure by watching others is a voyeur. The triangle holds that it’s an essential healthy sexual activity.
So am I pro porn? You bet!
Of course, anything can be abused. But admiring others’ bodies and watching them make love online can sure get your juices flowing. For me, it’s an essential part of self-pleasuring. But again, I’m not doing it to get myself off as fast as possible. I’m using erotic images to amplify the sexual energy flowing through my body. My aim is to make myself feel as excited as I can for as long as I can. It’s so satisfying that I rarely ejaculate.
You benefit from your voyeuristic tendencies when you watch your partner playing with themselves. Many men love to watch their woman with another man. Or another woman. Or one after the other after the other. I can remember many times at parties when my wife or girlfriend were making love with others. To be perfectly frank, I’m not immune to jealousy. But my best memories are being thrilled at how much they were enjoying it. In the polyamory world that’s called “compersion,” where you receive pleasure from the pleasure your beloved is receiving.
You need a healthy dose of compersion when you attend a swing party. Sure, you can just watch though I’ve never been able to stay out of the action for long. I do remember the first time I played with another man at a friend’s swing house. The play areas were set up with railings all around. No doubt the crowd watching me fueled my appetite for the other guy’s body.
Memories — playing sex tapes of past experiences in your head — qualify as voyeurism in my book. The standard line is that guy’s are turned-on more by images while women are impacted more by words and feelings. Maybe that explains why romance novels sell the biggest share of books. I guess reading a steamy story about the perfect hunk or babe you conjure up in your mind qualifies as voyeurism.
Sorry, but I don’t have much more to add about voyeurism right now. I pretty much shot my wad in the exhibitionist section. So just look back and reverse the roles.
We first learned about what I now call the sex-positive triangle in the Quodoshka workshops. That’s the name given to the Native American sacred sexuality practices based in Arizona. If you want to expand your three corners of adventurism, exhibitionism, and voyeurism, that would be a powerful option. Or we’d love for you to join us at our Private Tantra Workshops.
Whatever you do, I’d recommend taking baby steps first. Look inside and find out what you’re really seeking. Do some serious reading and talk to people ahead of you on the path. If you’re in relationship, talk openly about what you want and how you want to get it. Then find some venues where you can explore and experiment.
By no means have I covered every possible angle. So I look forward to your comments and questions.
May you find everything you’re looking for in and out of bed.