Check out the following articles if you want to understand more about Orgasmic Sex…
What Is Tantric Massage? | StyleCaster
Sex is an integral part of life | Sexuality is especially taboo for LGBTQ and shouldn’t be closeted for anyone | Dr Dick’s Sex Advice
What You Need To Know About Blended Orgasms and How to Have One Solo and with a Partner – mindbodygreen (This is a great intro to one kind blended orgasm for women, but there are lots more for both sexes.)
I ran across this fascinating fun way to spice up your relationship, the Sacred Sex Game. Check it out.
You won’t hear from me much the rest of April as my wife and I will be vacationing in the UK. Enjoy the burgeoning spring.
Love, Somraj
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If you are looking for a new way to rejuvenate your sex life and experience a fun and unique way to deepen your intimacy, Sacred Sex Game could be for you.
Sacred Sex Game is more than a mere game; it is designed to be a relationship and conscious communication tool for couples. The game has a multi-dimensional play that will help participants to access personal blocks, clear the way to greater communication and bliss, and open the pathways to a greater sacred sexual union. It can create opportunities to work through stagnation in your relationships, think critically about sexual issues, learn the tools to move sexual energy to heal yourself and enjoy kinky and spontaneous encounters with your beloved.
Sacred Sex Game was created by Shane and Heather, a husband and wife creative team located in Arizona. Shane and Heather are artists, seekers, and lovers. With their extensive knowledge and practice of tantra and conscious communication, came their desire to create a game based on these ideals. The game is a functional piece of art designed with sacred geometry and embedded with ancient symbolism. Their intention for this game is to help people open the lines of communication and nurture a positive sexual relationship.
Sacred Sex Game can open you up to spontaneity. Every Game is different! In fact, the game is designed to be an inter-personal sacred sexuality workshop.
Dive deep into your personal sexual energy and that of your beloved.
Shane Brandolini & Heather Kadar
Here are some more links to valuable articles that will help you inderstandhow to have Orgasmic Sex…
Myths About Sex: 5 Things Women Should Stop Believing – mindbodygreen
What’s The Best Way to Eat Pussy? 10 Tips to Give Oral Mindfully – Beducated Magazine
A new study quantifies straight women’s “orgasm gap”—and explains how to overcome it | Dr Dick’s Sex Advice
Somraj Pokras is a Tantra teacher who works alongside Jeffre TallTrees at the Academy of Supreme Bliss Tantra from Tantra at Tahoe. Supreme Bliss Tantra is a carefully constructed brand of Tantra which focuses on the oldest living spiritual disciplines. Tantra is unique when compared with other organisations since it can be full customised to each individual, so people are able to follow Tantra with a wide range of approaches. This means that they are able to use Tantra in such a way that it is best suited to their individual lifestyles so that they are able to find out what best works for them. The common themes that Tantra includes is:
Supreme Bliss Tantra combines all of these core philosophies to assist people with western background to be able to follow. It uses sexual and orgasmic energy to form a deep level of expanded consciousness which will:
Tantra At Tahoe have developed eBooks, teleseminars, workshops and coaching sessions. This is a VIP Interview with Somraj Pokras co-director of Tantra At Tahoe. Somraj is also the author of over 10 books including Female Ejaculation, Male Multiple Orgasm, Long Hot Tantric Love Making and Supreme Bliss Tantra Guide to the Ecstasy of Spiritual Sex.
Somraj Pokras co-director of Tantra At Tahoe, author of 10 Tantric Sex books, sexologist, author, blogger and trainer.
I always had a strong sex drive but little understanding of how it really works. When I met my wife she was studying Tantra so we did a yearlong program together. It transformed our sex lives individually and collectively so thoroughly that we started teaching others to follow a similar path.
Books, articles, music for sure. But even more so from applying consciousness and mindfulness to sexual encounters. My central interest is the anatomy and dynamics of sexual energy. So after we make love we talk and analyze what happened.
Not very accurate. Tantra came first as a grassroots rebellion against these and other organized religions. The earliest Tantra writings created a path to enlightenment without dogma or intermediaries like priests or holy men.
Buddhism and Hinduism aren’t anywhere near as sex-positive as Tantra has always been. In contrast Tantra doesn’t separate sex and spirit. Though it wasn’t originally a sexual practice, it advocates the awareness and application of the physical, especially lifeforce energy, to spiritual growth. That’s so different from modern religions that in the West it’s become identified with sacred sexuality.
First, Tantric lovers treat their beloved as a reflection of the divine. A god or goddess. Next, love making happens in a sacred space with ritual practices like meditation, eyegazing, and intentionally calling in desired energies. Tantric sex is more conscious, more communication, more cooperation instead of male dominated. It’s longer because it’s focused on heightening sexual energy and amassing more pleasure instead of the goal of orgasms. Tantric lovers have multiple orgasms, many of them energy based instead of purely physical and triggered by more of the 31 erogenous zones than average lovers contact. When Tantric lovers choose to climax, women usually come first and many times. Many say it’s slower which is true at times. But Tantric sex is changeable, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, and often interrupted by application of hands and mouths.
By taking time, building energy together, targeting erogenous zones, and synchronizing their motions to reach a series of pleasure peaks, first alternately and eventually together.
The classic position is yab-yum, with her on his lap with her legs wrapped around his hips. The name means mother father because it depicts the Tantric creation myth, far removed from Adam and Eve. The Tantric view is that the divine beings Shiva and a Shakti create the world by making love in this position. Their secretions overflowed and solidified into the physical universe. But to ask the question actually shows confusion with Tantra which rarely specifies postures and the Kama Sutra which has a chapter focusing on sex positions.
Become more aware of their bodies, its sensations, its energies. They can do this my meditating before and during sex, practicing relaxation, and breathing more consciously.
We offer Tantric sex ebooks, long-distance coaching, and live private workshops. We have hundreds of free articles on our website and a steady feed of sexual news, techniques, and discoveries on our blog. Our latest ebook is Long Hot Tantric Love Making available at Tahtra At Tahoe.
Here are links to some articles that can help you understand vital aspects of Orgasmic Sex…
Rebalancing The Masculine & The Feminine – Collective Evolution
How I Discovered I’m a Slut and All the Orgasms I missed Out on Until I Became Proud Of It
Recharge your sexual energy – what to do if you need more to enjoy more | Dr Dick’s Sex Advice
By Somraj Pokras of TantraAtTahoe.com
(This article was originally published in October 2015 in Consumer Health Digest.)
A young woman in a new relationship recently asked, “We’ve been together for a month and our sex life is good. But now my boyfriend wants us to try Tantric Sex. OMG, what kind of kinky stuff have I gotten myself into?”
That’s just the tip of the iceberg in the sea of myths about Tantric Sex. Of all the modern new age practices people are diving into these days, Tantra may be one of the most misunderstood. Sting’s 8-hour sex claim on The Oprah Winfrey Show didn’t help. Neither do all the closed-minded men in my public events who vehemently denounce the whole idea of giving up ejaculating.
The truth is that Tantra is a thousands-of-years old spiritual practice — mind you, not a sexual practice — from India. It’s about raising consciousness and connecting up the mind, body, and spirit. And that’s all done by becoming more intimate with your own lifeforce energy, much of which is sexual for most people. When you do, you certainly heighten your sensations along with your sense of who you really are.
Sure, when you meditate more, feel more, and communicate more, your sex life can improve drastically. But I wouldn’t suggest pressuring your partner to try it until you get clear on what it is and what it isn’t.
To help, here is my list of the top ten myths about Tantric Sex. Don’t blindly accept them without looking into the real stories which follow.
Myth #1: Tantric Sex Means Wild Orgies
If wild orgies are what you’re looking for, then, sorry, practicing Tantra won’t guarantee you’ll find yourself in a threesome, foursome, or moresome any time soon. From its inception, Tantra was more about the solo practice of individuals reaching for enlightenment.
A key element of that journey is finding yourself, calming your mind, and getting fully into your body. Most of us have been so deeply programmed with inhibitions about feeling good that this is often an arduous process. Which is why practicing pleasure is a spiritual practice in Tantra.
When two partners make progress on that path, their relationship grows and evolves. For those partners who were raised with sex-negative puritanical beliefs, often the most resounding impact is on their sex lives.
Enter Tantric Sex, a heartfelt ritualistic way of physically bonding. Couples who practice Tantric Sex find the amount of pleasure they create and share expands dramatically.
In other words, in spite of the fact that I’ve been to quite a few deemed sacred ceremonies, wild sex parties aren’t automatically included. Now it’s true that couples who’ve dedicated themselves to more pleasure are more likely to dabble in open relationships like swinging and polyamory than those with the average boring sex life. But it’s not an integral part of Tantric practice.
Well, except for one thing. There are some little-known ancient Tantric manuscripts that describe group sex rituals in vague terms. But what little we know of these underground gatherings is that they were only attended by highly-trained adepts and focused on merging with the divine.
Myth #2: Tantric Sex Is Just A Front For Sex-Workers’ Services
If you take the above sentiments seriously, then clearly Tantric Sex is much more than a hooker’s scam. But without a doubt you can find a bevy of Tantric Goddesses in every major city today. Often they offer sensual sessions of Tantric massage.
Are they just prostitutes in colorfully flowing sheep’s clothing?
I’m sure there are some around. But for the most part, in my experience, no.
I am friends (and more) with quite a few Tantric “dakinis” as they’re called. That’s the Sanskrit word for celestial helping spirits. They sincerely believe they are helping men transform their lovemaking into something more sacred. Many do hands-on sessions that teach men to satisfy women and avoid premature ejaculation. And there are male “dakas” who help women embrace their sexuality, too.
Are you aware of the well-established research on the orgasm gap? Many studies have shown how much more frequently men come than their female partners. The same isn’t true, by the way, of same-sex couples.
Ask any woman how sensitive, knowledgeable, and respectful many of her past lovers were and you’ll be inundated with horror stories of exploitation, abuse, and even violence. That’s a pretty damning evaluation of how successful parents and schools are with sex education.
While I’m sure there are many district attorneys who would disagree with my opinions, just maybe these Tantric sex workers are actually performing a valuable service to the current and future partners of these men.
Myth #3: Tantric Sex Is All About Sex
Because it concentrates on maximizing sexual energy, Tantric Sex doesn’t require any physical contact. Those dakinis offering Tantric massage might only use their hands while fully clothed.
Tantra is about raising consciousness. Consequently, Tantric Sex is more about intimacy, communication, and divine connection. It’s performed in a “sacred space,” a room that’s intentionally beautified to arouse all the senses. We use terms of respect like Sweet Everythings instead of Sweet Nothings and “jewels” instead of medical names for the genitals. And its rituals often include meditation, clear negotiation of consent, and reverence for each other’s spirit.
Though that’s far from most people’s definition of rampant sex, may find the bonding highly sexy. Again, by surveying the average woman, you’ll find how powerful these practices can be to awaken her erotic side.
Once into the crucible that these preparations create, the jewel union (our name for sexual intercourse) can be amazingly erotic, hot, and intense.
Myth #4: Tantric Sex Is Slow Sex
I’d have to agree that Tantric Sex is often slower than what you see in a porn flic. It takes time to set up the sacred space, build intimacy, and develop a trusting atmosphere.
When our senses our focused on cultivating and exchanging sexual energy, slower often serves us better. Tantric lovers develop the ability to relax even when highly aroused. That’s especially true when we’re catapulted into one of the altered states that Tantric Sex is known for.
But not always.
My Tantra-teacher wife has taught me how vital variety is for her sexual pleasure. We almost always start slow, waiting for our energy channels to fully open and link. But then we race off to spurts of hard pumping. These are typically sandwiched between moments of stillness where we catch our breath, relish our sensations, and check-in verbally.
So sometimes slow, yes. But sometimes medium and sometimes fast, too. Not to mention the tantalizing breaks using fingers and mouths on each other.
Myth #5: You Can’t Orgasm During Tantric Sex
LOL! That’s a really good one. If you could only see us when we decide to go for it.
Now it’s true that Tantric Sex is a departure from the increasingly instant-gratification-demanding culture that we live in. We cultivate pleasure and want to make it last. So pushing for a quick explosion isn’t our number one priority.
Instead, we aim to amass sexual energy and revel in it, using each other’s highs to springboard each other to even more intense excitement. We call these peaks of pleasure. Gourmet Tantric Sex lovers major in the skill of peaking. Often that looks like edging, coming up to the brink of climax and backing off. More often it resembles dancing on the verge of the cliff right before the point of no return.
Without training and practice, few lovers can withstand the assault of the powerful sensations just before orgasm. So they let go and enjoy the ten-second ride.
Sure, it feels great at the moment. But all too often, especially with men like me who take a long while to recover, ejaculating ends the playtime. It even happens to some women like my wife who are too sensitive after coming to continue without a long break.
But what if you could hover there and prolong that intense excitement?
Tantric Sex is often called Orgasmic Sex because we learn to dance on the verge of that all-consuming black hole. We vibrate, shake, and jackknife from the huge currents of sexual energy coursing up and down our bodies. Just like the classical ten-second physical release, our skin flushes, our nerves fire, our breathing deepens, and our voices raise. But we can make it go on and on.
We call these peaks “Tantric Energy Orgasms.” After a series of them, we’re propelled into a continuous state of ecstasy. And, of course, we have a name for that, too. The O-Zone. O for orgasm, of course.
Myth #6: Quickies Have No Place In Tantric Sex
In the classic movie Love At First Bite, when asked to have a quickie, Count Dracula played by George Hamilton replied, “No. With you, never a quickie. Always a longie.”
Now I’m not saying that Dracula was a Tantric master. Well, who really knows? But it must seem after my rousing exposition about longies that quickies have no place in Tantric Sex.
For the most part, you’d be right. But you see, Tantra isn’t a religion with a holy book and lots of dogma. So there are no rules about what you should and shouldn’t do. Which reminds me about our record-setting (short time) “laughgasm.”
Once, against our better judgement, we were separated for a week. That’s a very long time without doing it for us horny rabbits. When reunited, we set up a sacred space in front of the fireplace, began kissing and touching, and couldn’t wait to engage our jewels. Though it was a major challenge, I put it in ever so slowly so we could feel everything. (The slow part was the challenge, not the penetration part.)
But, dammit, she was too turned-on to take it easy. Pulling me tight, she started jerking and bucking violently. Like any supportive partner would, I matched her speed and pumped her hard. When her contractions grabbed me, I ejaculated violently. Fortunately, that made her scream and come, come and scream, and so on.
Just like the old days before Tantra, we lasted only a few strokes.
But the explosion was enormous. The feelings were so intense as the fireworks launched through our bodies that we shrieked at the top of our lungs. The funny part was when our mellow Golden Retriever put his snout right between our faces and bellowed right along with us. It was so funny that our orgasmic moans morphed into howls of laughter. That’s why we call it a laughgasm.
Usually, we make love in rounds with a few moments of stillness between them. They typically last longer than our howling quickie, from ten to thirty minutes. But sometimes they’re so intense that we collapse after a handful of minutes that makes us take a short break.
So I guess you could call those quickies. Maybe we should call our longies a long series of quickies.
Myth #7: Tantric Sex Requires Secret Sexual Techniques
No, that’s not true. There are no secret sexual techniques to do what you’ve just read. Tantric lovers use their eyes, breath, hands, mouths, and jewels like everyone else. Because they’re dedicated to pinnacles of pleasure, they study, talk, and practice more. Which probably makes them more skilled at a whole range of skills like massage, oral, genital, and anal sex. But they’re using the same tools we’ve all been issued with.
Some think that Tantric Sex depends on body-straining sex positions that only practitioners of Yoga can get into. Not true. The only Tantric guidelines about where you put your bodies is that they need to be comfortable so the energy can flow freely.
Those folks are confusing the spiritual sex practices of Tantra with the Kama Sutra. The later was a compilation of sexual and romantic behaviors of upper-class Indians about 1500 years ago. It had little to do with ritual, energy, and spirit.
As a naked Goddess once told me in response to my insistent come-ons at a Tantric workshop, “It’s all about the energy, baby.” It’s fair to say that we employ some tools to heighten arousal and intensify orgasmic sensations. But they’re far from secret. Little-used abilities in the bedroom like relaxing, focusing, breathing, moving, and sounding.
If you choose to practice Tantric Sex, it’s a good bet that your sexual techniques will dramatically improve. But that’s something you will develop as you become more open and more aware of what’s going on inside and out.
Myth #8: Tantric Sex Isn’t Primal or Kinky
Well, it’s true that the aim of sacred sex is NOT to see how kinky you can get. Christian Grey with his domination playroom from Fifty Shades may have made Anastasia come quick and hard, but he wasn’t very Tantric.
I know what it looks like. The whole idea of approaching sex with reverence for the divine presence within each other may sound contrary to cavorting like animals. But that’s only because you’re thinking of sex and spirit as separate. In Tantra, primal instincts and lofty spirituality are different flavors of the same meal.
When torrents of sexual energy are coursing through your jewels during Tantric Sex, you may well growl, flail, and wail like a wild animal. That lifeforce is as sacred as any prayer to a Tantric adept. And soft words and sweet sentiments of joy and appreciation for the sacred forces in all of us may be a huge erotic turn-on.
In Tantra, sex and spirit are one.
So there’s no reason why blowjobs in the park or anal sex in the garage can’t be sacred.
Largely due to the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey, there is increased interest today in BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism). At first glance it might seem that playing with power and pain could never be Tantric. But think again.
Experienced kinksters are conscious of what they’re doing. They carefully negotiate who’s doing what to whom beforehand. They use failsafes like safewords. They establish “scenes” exactly suited to get the sexual energy of the players flowing big time. When one finally achieves that long-awaited total control over another and the other completely surrenders, barriers and inhibitions can be released in a way otherwise not possible.
Sometimes role-playing really gets our juices flowing. Many of my lovers use fantasies they’ve never told anyone to turn themselves on and push themselves over the edge of orgasm.
Who’s to say what any particular lover needs and wants to free their untapped reservoirs of erotic charge? If it’s dressing up as the Big Bad Wolf and taking Little Red Riding hood in the men’s room of your local dive, go for it.
Myth #9: Tantric Sex Is Only For Women
Over the years, we’ve primarily had two kinds of clients attend our Tantra trainings: women who brought their men to us so their guys could be better lovers, and men who dragged their women to us so they could be more orgasmic.
In other words, it’s all about women’s pleasure. In light of the orgasm gap, that’s certainly needed. So it is true that many of the benefits of Tantric Sex help women become more orgasmic.
In Tantra we recognize that sexual energy is feminine in nature and requires a feminine touch to fully unleash. So does that mean that women should lead when it comes to Tantric Sex?
Well, I do love it when she gets on top and takes charge. Or spreads her legs and shouts, “Give it to me hard, now, daddy!”
But giving women all the power is too simplistic. The Tantric view of genders is that everyone has an inner male and an inner female. Society conditions the majority of people’s values and behaviors to conform to their body type. As a result, most men act strong and women tend toward being supportive.
But as our current gender stereotype revolution demonstrates, everyone has the opportunity to develop both ends of the spectrum. Women love a sweet man who caters to their needs. Men like me love a strong woman who asks for what she wants and directs the action.
And while we’re on the subject of orgasms, men who practice Tantric Sex can enjoy the much wider spectrum of sexual climaxes that most women are capable of. I’m talking of multiple orgasms, blended orgasms, and non-genital orgasms, for example.
Myth #10: Tantric Sex is Magic
Well, you know, there might just be some truth to the mouth that Tantric Sex is magic. But not in the way you’re thinking.
As I’ve said, there are no hidden tools or mystical secrets that you need to achieve all the delights of Orgasmic Sex. This approach is readily available to everyone regardless of gender, age, or lifestyle. Same-sex partners can enjoy it as well as straight, cis heteros whether or not they engage in penetration with or without sex toys.
It’s no secret that few of us learn to use lion’s share of our mental faculties. Or focus on what’s going on in our bodies without distraction. Or master the ability to relax fully and receive pleasure without limit.
It’s no secret that we breathe deeply, moan loudly, and shimmy and shake when we’re coming.
This isn’t magic. And if you practice these natural functions, you can trigger orgasmic fireworks whenever you choose. From the outside, those adept in summoning, circulating, and exchanging sexual energy do look like magicians. But it’s not an arcane spell or special DNA or a magic wand that makes ecstasy happen.
It’s not magic, it’s practice.
To continue my contrarian tendency, I must mention that there is a practice called sex magic that some Tantriks practice. It’s the intentional use of sexual energy to manifest desires in the physical world. But it’s no different than the affirmations and visualizations that many new age folks utilize.
On the other hand, maybe charging your vision with sexual energy is a form of magic. Try it, maybe you’ll like it.
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There are the ten myths of Tantric Sex. As you can see, the common misunderstandings cloud some powerful truths. Truths you can use to find you own way in the maze of sex, love, and relationship in the complex modern world. Tantra may have sprung from a culture thousands of miles and thousands of years away, but much of its practices are still beneficial today.
If I’ve set your mind straight, I’m pleased. If I’ve piqued your interest in exploring Tantric Sex, I’m thrilled. If you realize that the journey has to be one of your own making, then we’ve arrived at the same conclusion.
I’d love to receive your questions and comments by email (somraj@tantraattahoe.com) or on my blog (tantraattahoe.com/blog).
May your sex life never be the same.
Love, Somraj
Somraj Pokras is a sexologist and Tantra teacher who’s written 10 Tantric Sex books. You can find hundreds of his free articles on his TantraAtTahoe.com website where you can also subscribe to his Orgasmic Sex Blog. Follow him on Twitter @TantraTahoe and at LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/somrajpokras/.
Playing with my butt has been one of the most revealing personal growth experiences I’ve ever had.
Am I saying that anal sex is a spiritual practice? Well, I guess I am. But that depends on how you approach it.
Recognizing that certain sex acts vault me to higher sexual orbits is what prompted this exploration where the sun don’t normally shine. (I wrote about this a couple weeks ago in my blog post entitled “Sexual Energy Orbits: How to Catapult Yourselves up to the Most Sensational Pleasure Zones.”)
Even though I know that personal freedom is an inner journey, I’ve been expanding myself through spiritual sex for nearly twenty years now. It’s taught me more about myself than all talk therapies in the world combined. So how exactly does that work?
Spiritual sex means to be aware of your body, mind, and soul while you accept your sexual desires and act on them fully.
Let’s Get Drunk And Screw
Being a somewhat evolved horny guy, I’m not against the age-old relationship axiom — “Let’s get drunk and screw.” Today that probably shows up more as “Let’s get stoned and make divine love.”
But for me erotic play is so much richer when I’m conscious of everything that’s happening. Then I can steer the action so I get everything I want while I’m attending to my partner’s needs and wants. Often I get new pleasures that I didn’t expect.
My whole life I’ve sought to rid myself of inhibitions. Maybe, like so many other teenagers, that’s an outgrowth of rebelling against my father’s authority. Whatever.
What I found in my recent solo anal play is that I’ve got hangups I didn’t know were limiting my fun.
Me squeamish? Seriously?
I can’t begin to count how many times I believed that I arrived only to find how much more there was to look at. With my unshakable self-image, I was sure I could handle unlimited pleasure. At least until I bumped up against the edge of my comfort zone and found my own limits.
So again and again I dedicated myself to practice until I released “all” resistance. Usually it wasn’t long before I had to pick myself up and realize how much more inner work awaited me.
The Sensible Hygiene Of Anal Play
A case in point is the hygiene of anal play. As my sex life has been expanding in recent years, I’ve welcomed any gentle-at-first penetration back there from lovers I trust. Lovers who are as fun and fastidious as I am.
Damn, I’ve had so much pleasure when they put things in my butt: fingers, toys, and vajras (penises).
But I discovered that I’m reluctant to put my own fingers in my butt.
Really?
Any young woman whose mother taught her not to wipe forward realizes we all want to keep the bacteria from the rosetta (asshole) away from the yoni (vagina). Or either gender’s mouth for that matter.
Such programming was a critical part of my Tantric sexual healing that opened up my backdoor initially. Tight-assed is more than a social slur, it’s a diagnosis of the energy blockages that inhibited lovers and people in general have.
When the issues are in the tissues, especially around the rosetta, they restrict one’s sexual freedom and lots more.
You see, I love to play full out without inhibitions. That’s partly a result of my robust libido. But even more so it stems from the personal growth I’ve done around becoming more sex-positive.
Damn Those Restrictive Inner Rules
So, as I was saying, what I found was that I had all sorts of inner rules about where I could put my hands when playing with myself. When I lube up a sex toy and slide it in my butt, undoubtedly that hand gets contaminated with the kind of germs we don’t want to spread.
My Tantric training, or call it conscious sexuality, included always being alert to what one touches with those dirty digits. That’s wise to avoid later unwanted infections. But when I got an urge to, for example, add my second hand to massage my cockhead, I heard a loud “No!” from my inner critic.
Since I can’t put my vajra in my mouth in my most limber moments, there was no chance of making myself sick. And since this was solo play, there was no chance of infecting my beloved’s yoni. And yet I was unwilling to follow my whims and play with whatever part of my body wanted attention.
That’s where spiritual sex came to the rescue. It’s all about witnessing what’s going on in my body, mind, and soul while I’m reveling in pleasure. Not only was I conscious of what I wanted to do to myself, I was also conscious of what was holding me back.
So I lubed up my second hand and slowly slid it in and out of my rosetta. Wow, was it great! It supercharged the pleasure that my other hand was creating by stroking my vajra.
It felt so good that after a while I got the urge to grab vajra’s head with my dirty hand. Sure enough the injunction was still there. I looked at and decided there was no harm as long as I washed up afterwards.
As a result, for a few minutes I had the most ecstatic two-handed masturbation you can imagine.
Letting My Freak Flag Fly
What I was discovering was that my self-pleasuring habits followed well-worn grooves. These were uninspected patterns that limited what I would let myself enjoy.
I thought I was a devoted disciple of the spirit of David Crosby’s song “Almost Cut My Hair” which advocated letting my freak flag fly.
One of the things all my Tantric sex ebooks advocate is whimsy. That’s recognizing when you’ve got a whim and acting on it. Like you want to switch from the top to the bottom or the reverse while making love. Or pull out and lick the juices from your coupling or swivel around to enjoy some luscious 69. Or play with yourself while you’re going at it.
Honor your whims instantly is the secret to fully letting yourself go. Sexual energy is a continuous river of potential pleasure. Let yourself go with the flow and passion engulfs you.
My inner blockages to my own whims created mental grooves that restricted my sexual freedom. When a whim surfaced, I would ignore it without even considering it. My old worn-out beliefs were blindly blocking my consciousness at decision points.
That’s exactly what happened when I got the urge to use both hands to stroke my cock but one had just been in my rosetta.
When a lover is passionately steaming down the road towards a Big O, they rarely notice what happens at these pleasure crossroads.
Like when the vibrator that I was sitting on which felt great a moment ago stopped generating pleasure. This was a crossroads. The thought occurred to me to lube it up and shove it inside my butt. I was sure I had loosened up enough so that I could take it and love it even more.
But instead of going for it, instead of following my bliss in the moment, my puritan programming blocked it.
We all seek balance in life. I thought I was operating with a good balance between pleasure and cleanliness. But I realized I was a victim of my own overly hygienic fastidiousness.
Now I’m not into deep psychoanalysis that drives me to figure out why I was inhibited. Just witnessing what I’m doing gives me the choice to change. So seeing how I was limiting my options for pleasure allowed me to change my habits.
Different Than a Sudden Flash of Clarity
This didn’t happen like a sudden flash of clarity. It evolved in stages. First, I let my fingers have their way with my rosetta. But at first I was still uncomfortable using that hand for anything else. So I decided it would be OK to play with my balls while my other hand was busy sliding up and down my shaft.
Next I realized there was really no harm in using the contaminated hand on my vajra as well. It wasn’t going anywhere dangerous. So I had fun for a while enjoying some two-handed self-pleasure.
Then I needed more lube. And I shocked myself with the thought that both hands were now dirty and would contaminate the lube bottle. But so what? This was my private stash that stayed by my computer while I was enjoying my carefully curated porn collection.
So I threw caution to the winds and declared my lube “on-limits,” too. That’s the opposite of off-limits if you missed the reference.
These were just a few of the layers peeling off the onion that I went through. It’s still continuing each time I play with myself. But now I’m extra excited when I bump into another internal barrier. I can look at it sensibly and decide if I’m being held back by outmoded restrictions or if there’s no danger in letting my freak flag fly.
In retrospect my story is an isolated example of the kind of sexual healing we all need over and over. Hopefully I’ve inspired you to look at what’s holding you back from what your body, mind, and spirit want. And then go for it.
Enjoy! And I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.
Love, Somraj
As a guy who’s had lots of lovers who’ve enjoyed lots of pleasure, I can honestly say I’m not totally in control of a woman’s orgasm.
As I explained in my previous post Fast Sex versus Slow Sex: How I Overcame Premature Ejaculation and Learned to Delay Orgasm So We Could Come Together, I used to believe that if I could just last enough thrusting inside her would it eventually do the trick.
But from the woman’s perspective, orgasm is actually way more complicated than that.
She needs a safe, relaxed environment. She needs a sense of comfort and trust. She needs to understand her own body, her orgasmic triggers, and the pathways that get her all the way there. And once the action starts, she needs to be willing to guide her lover. All that does little good if her partner isn’t willing to be guided and follow her lead.
All that being said, it’s still a challenge for many women to orgasm during jewel union (sexual intercourse). If he can’t last long enough to help her over the big hump, her chances are even slimmer.
But once a guy develops adequate stamina by himself, it’s even more demanding for him when he gets close to her naked body with your legs spread. A bright conscious woman who wants more in bed can do a lot to support — or undermine — her partner’s sexual stamina. That’s why I’ve extracted the following advice from my Longer Lasting LoveMaking ecourse.
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Orgasmic Sex Is a Partnership
Let go of the outmoded romantic notion that the best lover always knows intuitively what to do to make their sweetheart go wild. Sure, we all luck into such synchronicity at times, but to base a continuing love relationship on this myth will backfire.
The good news is that you can consciously co-create fresh, hot, juicy, ecstatic sex whenever you choose if you work – or better, play – together. That requires communication, confidence, and collaboration so you both learn what you want, how to ask for it, what your honey wants, and how to give it.
Since a major cause of premature ejaculation is performance anxiety, get that out of the way by being open, clearing the decks, and honoring each other’s needs instead of pressuring each other.
You know what I mean: he pressures her to come, she pressures him not to.
Separate Not Joint Experience
In our society, sex is a private experience for the most part because it’s such a taboo subject. We hide our insecurities, make rude jokes, and don’t talk about it openly. Too many of us obsess about when to make the first move, how to initiate with a long-time partner, and how to give or get an orgasm. No wonder so many of us build up the anxieties and tensions that can cause premature ejaculation.
We’re not taught that sex is communion between souls expressing their basic nature through the divine gift of bodies. Few of us learn to play these instruments in harmony to produce amazing ecstasy.
Where do we learn that sex is an energy exchange between conscious beings who want to both give and receive pleasure? And thereby get closer to the divine?
When you’re desired and accepted for who you are without big expectations about how you need to perform, then you can relax and let nature take it’s sexual course. That’s partly why the training program in my Ultimate Premature Ejaculation Mastery ebook requires “partnering” between lovers. This means being aware of your needs and reactions, talking honestly about them, honoring those of your partner, and playing together as equals.
Instead of “doing” your partner, you’ll need to do new-age things like feeling, communicating, and sharing together.
Pleasure — Not Orgasm — Is The Aim
Orgasmic sex is a joint dance where each lover surrenders to inner waves of energy and both assist each other to reach higher and higher peaks. Pleasure, not orgasm, is the aim. By soaring together, each partner can reach unheard of peaks and plateaus that culminate in bigger, stronger, deeper, often simultaneous spiritual climaxes.
But pushing for the Big O (orgasm) puts your attention out of the moment and on the wrong thing. Of course, yielding to that familiar urge to squirt can short-circuit the whole deal.
If your lover is pushing for maximum stimulation and rushing headlong towards orgasm as quickly as possible while you’re trying to prolong the event, the two of you will be playing at cross purposes.
To prevent this, both of you need to agree on a different vision of lovemaking. This means accepting that you are each totally responsible for your own pleasure, asking for what you want, giving sensitive feedback, going slowly, and savoring physical and intimate delights together. This is how love partners stretch their communion out for long periods of time.
What Does Partnering Mean?
Different partners have different sexual responses. So who’s responsible for seeing that each partner gets the things that bring them the most pleasure? We each are fully responsible. Partnering means speaking your needs and honoring those of your partner. If we do anything else, we set up the dynamics that produce stress, mystery, and tension – a surefire prescription for the guy blowing his wad unexpectedly.
If you’re single and searching for a partner to satisfy sexually, this whole view of sex as communion may sound even more challenging than finding someone willing to jump in the sack.
Guys, if you expect that you alone will be able to satisfy any woman without their cooperation, you’re laboring under a big delusion. Drop the whole concept that it’s your job alone to satisfy your partner. This is a mutual dance and that’s the way most women love it.
What overall approach do you need to take to negotiate a cooperative partnership for fresh new sexual encounters every time?
Now doesn’t that sound way different than depending on letting the world-class stud or ultimate hottie make you crazy?
Some Guidelines For Women Who Want Sex To Last Longer
Most of this post comes from a training program in my Longer Lasting LoveMaking ecourse. You read right. The best way to extend your sexual play is by practicing. Here are some guidelines that, hopefully, will help you support your lover on your joint quest for unlimited sexual stamina.
Talk before, during, and after.
First, you’ve got to talk about what you bring to the party and what’s happening for each of you. Communication only works when you’re each willing to hear what’s going on for your partner. Be sure to explain your concerns, worries, and anything else that comes up for you so you can be real and really present. Then, stay in touch while making love and exchange feedback to stay in sync.
Ladies, maybe you’re thinking that you should be asking HIM to communicate more. I know, I know, most women are more willing and able to talk more than men. But we need to support him in opening up, not pressure him to become totally transparent. That never helps him stay in the game longer.
Drop Expectations
I’ve studied lots of communication skills in my forty years of training experience and they’ve all helped. But frankly, the most important thing you can do is drop all your goals, agendas, and expectations. I know this is easier said than done, but do your best.
What does that mean in practice? Don’t enter into a sexual situation desperately needing a big explosive orgasm within 15 minutes. Why? Well, because, if you do, you’ll be polarizing your team relationship, not to mention putting pressure on a process that doesn’t respond well to pressure, namely a man’s sensitivity to coming before you want him to when he’s under pressure.
Now, I’m totally in favor of you having lots of orgasms. So enlist his help before penetration or get yourself off before practicing. Then you can relax and support this longer sex program with less pressure.
And while we’re on the subject, that kind of pressure also is one of the primary ways women block their own orgasms.
Establish Signals
One fundamental thing that will help your practice sessions is to establish signals so you know how close he is to coming. Words like “whoa!” or gestures like gripping your shoulders are two examples.
In my ebook Ultimate Premature Ejaculation Mastery and my Solo Premature Ejaculation Mastery Ecourse I’ve included exercises that show a guy how to measure his arousal from 0, the sleeping puppy, to 10, the roaring dragon who spouts fire, or at least semen. Having him report by number is a workable signal if he’s learned how to do this.
Your learning curve will depend on how well he clues you in when he’s climbing rapidly or approaching 9.9, that infamous point of no return past which there’s no pulling back from the edge of the cliff. But your learning curve also depends on how well you watch, listen, and sense when he’s getting super turned on and when that’s too much.
Track and Follow His Rhythm
Ladies, while the two of you are learning and whenever you need it, use your innate feminine supportive nature and nurturing qualities to follow his rhythm. In other words, develop your sensitivity by employing the natural tracking skills that my lesbian friends tell me are an essential part of every woman’s make-up and their lovemaking. Then you’ll know when he’s getting close to ejaculating because you’re tuned into his level of excitement.
This means sensing those moments when he’s extra sensitive and relaxing into the flow, as well as knowing when he needs more friction to stay hard inside your yoni (vagina). Specifically, you’ll notice when he stops moving and act accordingly.
Stopping and starting are basic skills you’ll both be using to prolong sex. So instead of going for it now you’ll slow or stop thrusting to invest in lots more later.
It’s clear that this is possible because my wife of twenty years is a total expert at monitoring my arousal. When I change my rhythm or shift my position, she often asks if I got too close. If I haven’t mentioned it already. For me it’s extremely comforting to know that it’s not all up to me, that we’re in this together.
Women, I realize I’m asking you not to push for your own orgasm when he’s not ready to help you go for it. Didn’t I already mention that the goal of orgasm creates the kind of pressure that makes many men come too soon (and prevents many women from having one)?
I hope this doesn’t sound like you’re going to have to sacrifice a lot for a long time because that’s not the aim here. It’s more like investing a little money regularly for a big payoff later.
Besides, always ending in a Big O is more a guy thing, isn’t it? Many women appreciate that there is a way to enjoy fully fulfilling sex together without a big explosion.
Play Like Kids
You can both get there by learning how to have a good time with all of this like kids do. Enjoying orgasmic sex partly means dropping the equation that sex means having a big orgasm quickly and every time. Instead, switch your focus to pleasure and play with the energy that you’ll generate together.
Try basic philosophy is to simply bask in the delicious sensations and let orgasm come to you when it’s ready. Savor the subtle sensations and develop your own appetite for subtler turn-on and those feelings will grow.
Yes, wait until a cosmic climax overtakes you without pursuing it.
The more you enjoy playing without any big expectation of success or failure, the faster your progress towards unlimited sexual stamina, multiple orgasms, and cosmic ecstasy.
This is how kids play. Not the sex or orgasm part, but the fooling around without any plan or fear of failure. Just have a good time with whatever you’re doing without much of an agenda.
For example, let’s say he’s having trouble avoiding shooting up to 9.9 when you’re giving him a hand job. You stroke him and he comes. You try later and he comes again. You do it five times and he keeps blowing his wad. An uptight adult might be frustrated, but a kid is all goo-goo eyed about all the fun.
Better if you think “Look what I keep doing to him. Ooo, all that delicious semen squirting all over the place. Aren’t I a powerful sexy lover, wow!” You see, it’s the childlike innocence of extracting fun from whatever happens. If you’re patient and don’t take these inevitable setbacks too seriously, so will he.
And, trust me, he’ll get it eventually if you just have fun playing around.
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I’ve had lovers who kept urging me “faster, faster!” and “harder, harder!” Unfortunately I couldn’t give them what they wanted in each moment. But I could have gone at it faster and harder for long periods if we’d been on the same page from the start. They just needed to know what you’ve read above.
Now you know the program for making it last as long as you both want. I sure hope you have lots of fun.
Love, Somraj
Sexologists like me — and lots of normal people — believe that masturbation is good. It feels good, it’s good for your body and mind, and it’s the ultimate in safe sex. And when you’re climbing the walls, it’s a great way to relax. Plus it’s always close at hand.
If you’re in a relationship, it can be very educational when you use masturbation to improve your sex life. Doing yourself is a great way to learn what you need and shows you what you need to teach your partner.
Orgasms are a use-it-or-lose-it kind of ability for those who don’t come so easily.
If you haven’t tried doing it in front of each other, you have a fun experience ahead. One study showed that 85% of people masturbate while in relationship. So I suggest that a major part of embracing a fully sex-positive attitude is accepting that masturbation is a healthy and natural part of life.
Besides, those of us who enjoy getting themselves off aren’t likely to stop anytime soon. It seems to me better if we learn to make peace with it.
I’ve Enjoyed It Many Ways
As a youngster — and by that I mean from my teenage years until 50 — I did it a lot. More than daily at first and several times a week as I aged. And a lot of ways and in lots of places. Outside in nature was my favorite. And still is on my top-five list.
Being a young male without any sex education, my aim was release. You know, to relieve the pressure of lust preying on my otherwise brilliant, objective, and superior mind. For a while at least I was more able to treat people I found attractive with some degree of appropriate respect and maturity.
Oh, and so I didn’t get blue balls.
Yeah, I’ve always had a real strong sex drive. It was like a river during spring flood carrying me with it. And because I didn’t know any other way of coping, sometimes it was like an irresistible tsunami.
Sure, I felt a little embarrassed and guilty about my habit. But I didn’t think I had a problem or was particularly perverted. I just had this urge and found a private way to deal with it.
Then I found Tantra. If you’re unfamiliar with this ancient spiritual philosophy, just think of it as a way to accept yourself — your soul, mind, body, and sexuality — fully. Basically, Tantra is a bunch of practices beginning with meditation and breathing designed to help you harness your lifeforce energy. And, of course, when you’re horny there’s lots of energy alive within you that’s jerking you around looking for an outlet.
Transmute Your Sexual Desires?
You might expect a guru (not me) to advocate that you use spiritual practices to transmute your sexual desires into higher consciousness. Yogis have done it for millennia. Well, that’s a wonderful prescription if it works for you.
But all too often putting advice like this into action results in suppressing your innate erotic energy flows. Not good! Trying to dam the powerful current of libido usually fails. And with nowhere to go, the unreleased energy does cause perversions: unwanted sexual advances, damaging abuse, and traumatic violence.
This is not what the creator had in mind when endowing us with our natural sex drives. I firmly believe if even the weirdos amongst us had healthier sex lives the world would be much safer for women and children.
Now, even at 70, I make love a lot. With more longies than quickies. With more enduring pleasure than rushing headlong to ejaculation. With my Tantric training, I’ve learned to let the sexual tidal wave carry me to higher planes of satisfaction typically without a wet orgasm.
I guess I could say that I’ve made peace with my robust erotic current. I let it infuse me with vitality, joy, and creativity. It makes my life richer and more fun than when I was trying to repress my naturally sexy state.
Self-Pleasuring With The Emphasis On “Pleasure”
These days when I have sexual urges, desires, and fantasies, I self-pleasure. OK, from the outside that looks just like masturbation. But from the inside it’s different.
Tantric self-pleasuring doesn’t rush me headlong towards getting myself off and relieving the pressure as quickly as possible. Instead, it’s about giving myself pleasure. Long-lasting, more intense pleasure than I ever got from a quick squirt.
Some call it self-love. That’s a popular concept in new-age spiritual thought. Certainly, making myself feel good by playing with my body demonstrates that I love myself. But even more, it’s about being fully alive. Regulating, condemning, and going to war against my sexual nature always made me feel worse.
Today I use the easily recharged reservoir of sexual energy to keep myself young, fit, and happy.
Tantric masturbation — or self-pleasuring as I prefer to call it — is all about the energy flowing through my body. Since it’s mostly focused on my genitals, my practice raises, expands, and spreads the life-giving sensations everywhere.
In Tantra we call this “running energy.” It’s the conscious skill of infusing every cell, tissue, and system with the excitement that’s usually confined to the sex organs. Running energy makes me shiver, shudder, and shake. It feels like every cell is coming.
If you can recapture the sensory memories of how an orgasm feels, imagine those sensations lasting for minutes at a time all over. That’s my motivation for Tantric self-pleasuring.
So instead of trying to make myself ejaculate and relieve the pressure, I turn myself on and spread the excitement as long as I can. Sometimes that’s for hours, but at my age if I’m tired or achey my self-love sessions get somewhat limited.
How I Do It
There’s no Tantric magic in my personal hand-jobs. But there is in what’s going on inside.
Usually I watch my favorite brand of porn. Interestingly enough, the preferred visual fantasy seems to be a very personal choice amongst my best friends and lovers. Yes, we share even what many would consider theses most intimate privacies.
One boyfriend prefers videos of complete sex scenes. Another specializes in pictures and movies of coming. Another only gets super titillated from erotic stories.
Go figure, huh? Different strokes for different folks. Literally!
And in a different way, erotic images serve my female lovers, too. When really aroused and wanting to climax, immersing themselves mentally in one of their favorite fantasies often does the trick. That’s probably why there’s such a groundswell of interest in kinky role-playing these days, largely the result of the popularity of the 50 Shades Of Grey books and movies.
My preference is pictures or short animated clips of penetrative sex. Yes, the sexy bodies and glorious private parts entice me. But his erect tool entering her jade garden (that’s the ancient Chinese euphemism for the pussy) is my favorite.
You might ask how we all gravitate towards our favorite images. For me, it’s simple. How does it make me feel? Sometimes one configuration of a couple’s bodies does nothing for me while another one that’s not much different floats my cork big time.
That means it shoots streamers of sexual electricity inside and fills me with that delightful erotic magnetism. So to decide what I want to look at while I’m stroking myself, all I need to do recognize is how much energy is flowing inside me.
How Real Is It?
Recently I’ve noticed that some images actually make me feel like I’m penetrating that lover on my computer screen.
In other words, the experience of watching porn while self-pleasuring simulates the sensations of actual sex. It doesn’t seem to be as intense or last as long, so I’m not advocating doing away with making love with a real-life orgasmic partner.
But when I can realistically imagine what making love with that pornstar actually feels like, I thoroughly enjoy myself. Does my this fantasy world in my head make me lust after them? Well, yes, of course. But I view it as a consensual fantasy. They wouldn’t broadcast pictures of their bodies if they didn’t expect them to be used this way.
So what is Tantric masturbation all about, then? My aim is to make myself feel the supreme bliss that is everyone’s inherent birthright.
Hopefully this explains why Tantric self-pleasuring is a vital part of my spiritual practice. If I wasn’t proud of what I’ve developed, would I be sharing this so openly with you?
May you openly make peace with your own masturbation style and find a healthy way to infuse your life with such ecstasy.
Love, Somraj
A robust sex life is natural and healthy. Yet few of us learn how to extract all the pleasure we can out of making love with others and with ourselves. We can do better if we fully adopt a sex-positive attitude. Here’s how we define that in our latest ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making…
An attitude and mindset of lovers who know that sex is a good thing, that it’s a natural part of life, that it’s healthy, and that they deserve as much pleasure as they can get in any way they choose to get it.
If you’re really sex-positive, you’ll explore and expand three sexual roles: adventurer, exhibitionist, and voyeur.
Now before you freak and think I mean you have to become a promiscuous pervert, take a breath. No, you can do all three in the privacy of your primary relationship. Or with yourself.
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Sexual adventurers are lovers who are willing to try new things, to experiment, and to expand their comfort zones. That might include doing more creative self-pleasuring and enjoying yourself more often. That’s our fancy name for masturbation which, to most people, means getting yourself off. But to us Tantric types it’s more about learning what your body likes, expanding your repertoire, and making it last. We usually choose a hot longie over a primal quickie. Well, not always.
Sex toys are a natural complement that can broaden your inner horizons. For example, I can’t comfortably reach my rosetta (anus) for long. So when I want to add anal pleasure to my self-love, a butt plug or vibrator is a welcome addition.
With a partner, being more adventuresome might include asking for more manual, oral, or anal play. How about getting a Kama Sutra book and trying new positions? Why not try it in every room and on every piece of furniture in your house? We still remember the rug burns from the stairs during one of our awesome tours some time back. Or in the shade of the forest or in the car at night with a panoramic view of the city? Mulholland Drive overlooking Los Angeles was one of my teenage fantasies that I didn’t get to enjoy enough. Anyway the windows steam up pretty quick, right?
Being a sexual adventurer starts with taking an honest look at what you’re getting and what you want more of. If you’re coupled, that means both doing that and then talking about it. No doubt, sexual communication is one of the major challenges in long-term relationships. But if you’re aiming to become a thoroughly sex-positive adventurer, it all starts with honesty, authenticity, and transparency. I know, big words that mean be real and be open.
A great way to start investigating practices that you might like is by reading books about sex. Details about the 10 we’ve written are here. Not to forget the thousands you can find on Amazon.
When you’re ready to go public, taking a sex workshop can be eye-opening. Most respect your boundaries and comfort level so they don’t usually resemble an orgy. Jeffre and I met at one — a class not an orgy — so we’re strong advocates of attending a type of group that strikes your fancy. In fact, we met at a series of six Sex, Love, & Intimacy workshops conducted by the Human Awareness Institute. There aren’t any optional public sexual activities until midway through the levels. But we did make love the second night in our private tent. The rest is history.
We’re active in the Sex Positive Meetup group in our area. We understand there are many others around the country. These are groups of people of all sexual preferences who get together regularly to talk, learn, and practice. We do workshops for them as do other sexologists. They’re very respectful as they help new members explore their turn-ons and discover their true sexual identity.
These are just a smattering of ideas. For sure, there are lots more opportunities a little Googling can uncover in your area.
A primer on becoming more sexually adventuresome wouldn’t be complete without mentioning walking on the wild side with assorted kinks and fetishes. Cross-dressing, dressing up, dressing down begin the list. And then there’s ropes and restraints, leashes and handcuffs. The popularity of 50 Shades Of Grey has certainly raised awareness about BDSM practices (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism). We have a thorough survey of the whole spectrum of vanilla to extreme sexual play in our new ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making.
Since monogamy has been the norm for many generations, sexual adventurers also engage in various forms of open relationships. It might look like swinging, sex parties, or polyamory. The politically-correct term today is CNM, consensual non-monogamy. Though most everyone you’ve ever met has cheated or come close to it, CNM is different. It’s having sex with outside lovers with the knowledge and blessing of your partner. And sometimes all together. Though some lovers actually form families larger than two, our practice is to play with a small circle of intimates once or twice a month. Our current extended family includes two hetero couples and one single woman.
So how far out of your comfort zone have I pushed you so far? If you’re a bit uncomfortable reading this short list of some of the possible options should convince you that we all live in an inhibited puritanical culture. There are so many satisfying ways to have adult fun that you might get off on but probably aren’t even trying. Are you ready to move out of your comfort zone and and stretch your boundaries?
I’m not trying to persuade you to do things that you have no curiosity and or attraction to. But when something piques your interest, maybe it’s time to test the waters. That’s what sex-positive lovers do. Consciously, carefully, and after extensive communication with partners.
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Admittedly, practicing exhibitionism sounds inappropriate, if not illegal in most places. But if you’re on the path of becoming totally sex-positive, shouldn’t you be proud of demonstrating your sexual prowess?
If orgasms are a divine gift as most sexologists acknowledge, who does it serve to keep them private?
Again, I’m not urging that you follow the Beatles advice and do it in the road. In fact, I’m reminded of my first wife’s prejudice again public male masturbators. She grew up in Sweden and enjoyed lots more sexual freedom than I did in the US. Yet she scoffed at the frequent “village idiots” as she called them who would expose themselves as she walked around town. Her response was to look down at their crotches and laugh. That usually put them off their game immediately.
No, we’re talking about sexual pride with a belief system like, “My body is my temple and I’m proud of it. I value the pleasure it brings me and want to share my good feelings with those I love. I welcome them watching me enjoying myself.” Where appropriate and welcomed, it can be highly erotic to parade your pleasure.
I was able to develop my exhibitionist personality by attending nudist clubs and camps. Many years ago a few close friends camped at a clothing-optional community that was hosting Nudestock. That was a recreation of Woodstock with local bands and no clothes. Way fun.
If you need any evidence that showing off your privates is hot, consider the popularity of sexting. Doesn’t receiving a boob pic, pussy pic, or dick pic from your main squeeze turn you on? Or an acquaintance you’ve been lusting for? I’m not endorsing strangers showering you with sexts, but where there’s already a connection, it’s certainly a welcome growth area for foreplay.
I first experienced a thrill from public self-pleasuring during my formative Tantra training at Margot Anand’s Love And Ecstasy Training. One evening all 80 students created their own little nest in our huge classroom. As the lights dimmed and the soft music played, we all started playing with ourselves. We couldn’t really see how our neighbors were enjoying their bodies, but we could sure hear them. Knowing that my classmates were surfing orgasmic peak after orgasmic peak as I was, added to my excitement.
This ritual undoubtedly prepared me to join the Center For Sex And Culture‘s National Masturbation Day event some years later. At a theatre in San Francisco’s Tenderloin District, several hundred of us pranced around naked playing with ourselves. No touching or sexual contact even with our partners was allowed. It was all about honoring self-love. Some even put on a show in front of a live webcam. I wasn’t ready for that then, but I did have my first experience with a sex machine with a small audience.
There other opportunities not limited to the public eye. You can exercise your innate exhibitionism at home through mutual masturbation. For some couples, touching themselves in front of their partner is a stretch all by itself. But if you’re sex-positive, why not? Like stripping and dancing naked, being watched while you touch yourself can be super steamy. When you both do yourselves at the same time, the synergy can be off the charts. Foreplay, sex breaks, afterplay – I can think of lots of times when it’s a wonderful thing. Maybe I need to be harder, maybe she needs to be wetter, or maybe we’re just up for a shift in the energy. Or when one of us is playing hard to get and we want to prove that we can look after ourselves if need be.
Sure, sometimes the surprise of what I’m doing to my playmate is way hot. But, let’s face, my lovers know their bodies better than me. So if they want to touch themselves, I say “go for it.” It’s really hot watching. Besides, I might learn something. I have one lover who swoons whenever I play with myself in front of her. She certainly has trained me to put on a show for her even at those moments when she’s not ready to be penetrated.
A central theme of our new ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making is opening and flooding energy channels with sexual electromagnetism. One prominent technique we call the “Add-On.” That’s when you or your partner plays with another erogenous zone while you’re making love. I particularly love stroking myself while my honey is using my favorite vibrating butt plug inside me.
When you’re ready to experiment with opening your relationship, you’ll need your inner exhibitionist to come out and play. Isn’t that obvious? You’ll be naked and hopefully partaking of the action in front of someone else. Would a stranger or a close friend be more comfortable or hotter?
A relatively easy way to wade in is via soft swapping. That’s when you make love in the same room with another person or couple. Maybe you’ve dreamed of a lusty threesome with that busty or well-hung friend. But are you ready for the other lover — or your partner — watch you go at it?
I remember a threesome with my wife and another beautiful woman at a party that demonstrated this. The other woman laid next to us as we made love, holding each of our hands. She didn’t want to participate at that moment, but we shared our bubble of orgasmic energy with her. She was lapping it up, smiling, moaning right along with us. It really turned us on that we could revel in ecstasy next to her while she was celebrating our passion.
Many progressive sexuality workshops will handle the gradient of exposure delicately. And modern professionals will demand enthusiastic consent without pressure before you get involved at any level. So when you’re ready, learning groups can be an ideal way to dip a naked toe in the water here and there.
Sex parties probably require the most developed exhibitionists. Sure, sometimes swing clubs have private rooms. But the real action tends to happen out in the open on the multiple mattresses next to each other. When you’re ready for that, watching and being watched sure intensifies the sexual energy.
My first experience of that was actually in a Tantra workshop where I served as an assistant instructor. As a demonstration for new students, my wife Jeffre gave me an elaborate two-hour Multiple Orgasm With Ecstasy session surrounded by about 100 students and staff. I had never been that high for so long before, likely due to in being so public. Because I was so energetically open to everyone’s rapt attention, I vibrated with ecstasy for an hour after everywhere else left.
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A person who gains sexual pleasure by watching others is a voyeur. The triangle holds that it’s an essential healthy sexual activity.
So am I pro porn? You bet!
Of course, anything can be abused. But admiring others’ bodies and watching them make love online can sure get your juices flowing. For me, it’s an essential part of self-pleasuring. But again, I’m not doing it to get myself off as fast as possible. I’m using erotic images to amplify the sexual energy flowing through my body. My aim is to make myself feel as excited as I can for as long as I can. It’s so satisfying that I rarely ejaculate.
You benefit from your voyeuristic tendencies when you watch your partner playing with themselves. Many men love to watch their woman with another man. Or another woman. Or one after the other after the other. I can remember many times at parties when my wife or girlfriend were making love with others. To be perfectly frank, I’m not immune to jealousy. But my best memories are being thrilled at how much they were enjoying it. In the polyamory world that’s called “compersion,” where you receive pleasure from the pleasure your beloved is receiving.
You need a healthy dose of compersion when you attend a swing party. Sure, you can just watch though I’ve never been able to stay out of the action for long. I do remember the first time I played with another man at a friend’s swing house. The play areas were set up with railings all around. No doubt the crowd watching me fueled my appetite for the other guy’s body.
Memories — playing sex tapes of past experiences in your head — qualify as voyeurism in my book. The standard line is that guy’s are turned-on more by images while women are impacted more by words and feelings. Maybe that explains why romance novels sell the biggest share of books. I guess reading a steamy story about the perfect hunk or babe you conjure up in your mind qualifies as voyeurism.
Sorry, but I don’t have much more to add about voyeurism right now. I pretty much shot my wad in the exhibitionist section. So just look back and reverse the roles.
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We first learned about what I now call the sex-positive triangle in the Quodoshka workshops. That’s the name given to the Native American sacred sexuality practices based in Arizona. If you want to expand your three corners of adventurism, exhibitionism, and voyeurism, that would be a powerful option. Or we’d love for you to join us at our Private Tantra Workshops.
Whatever you do, I’d recommend taking baby steps first. Look inside and find out what you’re really seeking. Do some serious reading and talk to people ahead of you on the path. If you’re in relationship, talk openly about what you want and how you want to get it. Then find some venues where you can explore and experiment.
By no means have I covered every possible angle. So I look forward to your comments and questions.
May you find everything you’re looking for in and out of bed.
Love, Somraj
