As a guy who’s had lots of lovers who’ve enjoyed lots of pleasure, I can honestly say I’m not totally in control of a woman’s orgasm.
As I explained in my previous post Fast Sex versus Slow Sex: How I Overcame Premature Ejaculation and Learned to Delay Orgasm So We Could Come Together, I used to believe that if I could just last enough thrusting inside her would it eventually do the trick.
But from the woman’s perspective, orgasm is actually way more complicated than that.
She needs a safe, relaxed environment. She needs a sense of comfort and trust. She needs to understand her own body, her orgasmic triggers, and the pathways that get her all the way there. And once the action starts, she needs to be willing to guide her lover. All that does little good if her partner isn’t willing to be guided and follow her lead.
All that being said, it’s still a challenge for many women to orgasm during jewel union (sexual intercourse). If he can’t last long enough to help her over the big hump, her chances are even slimmer.
But once a guy develops adequate stamina by himself, it’s even more demanding for him when he gets close to her naked body with your legs spread. A bright conscious woman who wants more in bed can do a lot to support — or undermine — her partner’s sexual stamina. That’s why I’ve extracted the following advice from my Longer Lasting LoveMaking ecourse.
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Orgasmic Sex Is a Partnership
Let go of the outmoded romantic notion that the best lover always knows intuitively what to do to make their sweetheart go wild. Sure, we all luck into such synchronicity at times, but to base a continuing love relationship on this myth will backfire.
The good news is that you can consciously co-create fresh, hot, juicy, ecstatic sex whenever you choose if you work – or better, play – together. That requires communication, confidence, and collaboration so you both learn what you want, how to ask for it, what your honey wants, and how to give it.
Since a major cause of premature ejaculation is performance anxiety, get that out of the way by being open, clearing the decks, and honoring each other’s needs instead of pressuring each other.
You know what I mean: he pressures her to come, she pressures him not to.
Separate Not Joint Experience
In our society, sex is a private experience for the most part because it’s such a taboo subject. We hide our insecurities, make rude jokes, and don’t talk about it openly. Too many of us obsess about when to make the first move, how to initiate with a long-time partner, and how to give or get an orgasm. No wonder so many of us build up the anxieties and tensions that can cause premature ejaculation.
We’re not taught that sex is communion between souls expressing their basic nature through the divine gift of bodies. Few of us learn to play these instruments in harmony to produce amazing ecstasy.
Where do we learn that sex is an energy exchange between conscious beings who want to both give and receive pleasure? And thereby get closer to the divine?
When you’re desired and accepted for who you are without big expectations about how you need to perform, then you can relax and let nature take it’s sexual course. That’s partly why the training program in my Ultimate Premature Ejaculation Mastery ebook requires “partnering” between lovers. This means being aware of your needs and reactions, talking honestly about them, honoring those of your partner, and playing together as equals.
Instead of “doing” your partner, you’ll need to do new-age things like feeling, communicating, and sharing together.
Pleasure — Not Orgasm — Is The Aim
Orgasmic sex is a joint dance where each lover surrenders to inner waves of energy and both assist each other to reach higher and higher peaks. Pleasure, not orgasm, is the aim. By soaring together, each partner can reach unheard of peaks and plateaus that culminate in bigger, stronger, deeper, often simultaneous spiritual climaxes.
But pushing for the Big O (orgasm) puts your attention out of the moment and on the wrong thing. Of course, yielding to that familiar urge to squirt can short-circuit the whole deal.
If your lover is pushing for maximum stimulation and rushing headlong towards orgasm as quickly as possible while you’re trying to prolong the event, the two of you will be playing at cross purposes.
To prevent this, both of you need to agree on a different vision of lovemaking. This means accepting that you are each totally responsible for your own pleasure, asking for what you want, giving sensitive feedback, going slowly, and savoring physical and intimate delights together. This is how love partners stretch their communion out for long periods of time.
What Does Partnering Mean?
Different partners have different sexual responses. So who’s responsible for seeing that each partner gets the things that bring them the most pleasure? We each are fully responsible. Partnering means speaking your needs and honoring those of your partner. If we do anything else, we set up the dynamics that produce stress, mystery, and tension – a surefire prescription for the guy blowing his wad unexpectedly.
If you’re single and searching for a partner to satisfy sexually, this whole view of sex as communion may sound even more challenging than finding someone willing to jump in the sack.
Guys, if you expect that you alone will be able to satisfy any woman without their cooperation, you’re laboring under a big delusion. Drop the whole concept that it’s your job alone to satisfy your partner. This is a mutual dance and that’s the way most women love it.
What overall approach do you need to take to negotiate a cooperative partnership for fresh new sexual encounters every time?
- Enter into loveplay and discussions about it with patience and sensitivity.
- Adopt the mindset of gratitude for any gifts pleasure you receive.
- Enlist your lover at every step by letting them choose to play instead of using force or manipulation to get them to cooperate.
- Continue to provide reassurance of your love and commitment to the relationship.
- Explain that you want this to be a joint experience of deeper intimacy, giving you both everything you ever dreamed of.
Now doesn’t that sound way different than depending on letting the world-class stud or ultimate hottie make you crazy?
Some Guidelines For Women Who Want Sex To Last Longer
Most of this post comes from a training program in my Longer Lasting LoveMaking ecourse. You read right. The best way to extend your sexual play is by practicing. Here are some guidelines that, hopefully, will help you support your lover on your joint quest for unlimited sexual stamina.
Talk before, during, and after.
First, you’ve got to talk about what you bring to the party and what’s happening for each of you. Communication only works when you’re each willing to hear what’s going on for your partner. Be sure to explain your concerns, worries, and anything else that comes up for you so you can be real and really present. Then, stay in touch while making love and exchange feedback to stay in sync.
Ladies, maybe you’re thinking that you should be asking HIM to communicate more. I know, I know, most women are more willing and able to talk more than men. But we need to support him in opening up, not pressure him to become totally transparent. That never helps him stay in the game longer.
I’ve studied lots of communication skills in my forty years of training experience and they’ve all helped. But frankly, the most important thing you can do is drop all your goals, agendas, and expectations. I know this is easier said than done, but do your best.
What does that mean in practice? Don’t enter into a sexual situation desperately needing a big explosive orgasm within 15 minutes. Why? Well, because, if you do, you’ll be polarizing your team relationship, not to mention putting pressure on a process that doesn’t respond well to pressure, namely a man’s sensitivity to coming before you want him to when he’s under pressure.
Now, I’m totally in favor of you having lots of orgasms. So enlist his help before penetration or get yourself off before practicing. Then you can relax and support this longer sex program with less pressure.
And while we’re on the subject, that kind of pressure also is one of the primary ways women block their own orgasms.
One fundamental thing that will help your practice sessions is to establish signals so you know how close he is to coming. Words like “whoa!” or gestures like gripping your shoulders are two examples.
In my ebook Ultimate Premature Ejaculation Mastery and my Solo Premature Ejaculation Mastery Ecourse I’ve included exercises that show a guy how to measure his arousal from 0, the sleeping puppy, to 10, the roaring dragon who spouts fire, or at least semen. Having him report by number is a workable signal if he’s learned how to do this.
Your learning curve will depend on how well he clues you in when he’s climbing rapidly or approaching 9.9, that infamous point of no return past which there’s no pulling back from the edge of the cliff. But your learning curve also depends on how well you watch, listen, and sense when he’s getting super turned on and when that’s too much.
Track and Follow His Rhythm
Ladies, while the two of you are learning and whenever you need it, use your innate feminine supportive nature and nurturing qualities to follow his rhythm. In other words, develop your sensitivity by employing the natural tracking skills that my lesbian friends tell me are an essential part of every woman’s make-up and their lovemaking. Then you’ll know when he’s getting close to ejaculating because you’re tuned into his level of excitement.
This means sensing those moments when he’s extra sensitive and relaxing into the flow, as well as knowing when he needs more friction to stay hard inside your yoni (vagina). Specifically, you’ll notice when he stops moving and act accordingly.
Stopping and starting are basic skills you’ll both be using to prolong sex. So instead of going for it now you’ll slow or stop thrusting to invest in lots more later.
It’s clear that this is possible because my wife of twenty years is a total expert at monitoring my arousal. When I change my rhythm or shift my position, she often asks if I got too close. If I haven’t mentioned it already. For me it’s extremely comforting to know that it’s not all up to me, that we’re in this together.
Women, I realize I’m asking you not to push for your own orgasm when he’s not ready to help you go for it. Didn’t I already mention that the goal of orgasm creates the kind of pressure that makes many men come too soon (and prevents many women from having one)?
I hope this doesn’t sound like you’re going to have to sacrifice a lot for a long time because that’s not the aim here. It’s more like investing a little money regularly for a big payoff later.
Besides, always ending in a Big O is more a guy thing, isn’t it? Many women appreciate that there is a way to enjoy fully fulfilling sex together without a big explosion.
Play Like Kids
You can both get there by learning how to have a good time with all of this like kids do. Enjoying orgasmic sex partly means dropping the equation that sex means having a big orgasm quickly and every time. Instead, switch your focus to pleasure and play with the energy that you’ll generate together.
Try basic philosophy is to simply bask in the delicious sensations and let orgasm come to you when it’s ready. Savor the subtle sensations and develop your own appetite for subtler turn-on and those feelings will grow.
Yes, wait until a cosmic climax overtakes you without pursuing it.
The more you enjoy playing without any big expectation of success or failure, the faster your progress towards unlimited sexual stamina, multiple orgasms, and cosmic ecstasy.
This is how kids play. Not the sex or orgasm part, but the fooling around without any plan or fear of failure. Just have a good time with whatever you’re doing without much of an agenda.
For example, let’s say he’s having trouble avoiding shooting up to 9.9 when you’re giving him a hand job. You stroke him and he comes. You try later and he comes again. You do it five times and he keeps blowing his wad. An uptight adult might be frustrated, but a kid is all goo-goo eyed about all the fun.
Better if you think “Look what I keep doing to him. Ooo, all that delicious semen squirting all over the place. Aren’t I a powerful sexy lover, wow!” You see, it’s the childlike innocence of extracting fun from whatever happens. If you’re patient and don’t take these inevitable setbacks too seriously, so will he.
And, trust me, he’ll get it eventually if you just have fun playing around.
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I’ve had lovers who kept urging me “faster, faster!” and “harder, harder!” Unfortunately I couldn’t give them what they wanted in each moment. But I could have gone at it faster and harder for long periods if we’d been on the same page from the start. They just needed to know what you’ve read above.
Now you know the program for making it last as long as you both want. I sure hope you have lots of fun.