Do you realize how much your mind influences the kind, quality, and amount of sex you have? Well, it’s a lot. Good business leaders, good parents, and even good artists and musicians study their craft and make plans to succeed. But what about lovers?

To be a good lover and enjoy all the gifts our sexual bodies promise, we need to get clear on what we want and how we’re going to get it.

Have you ever asked yourself what kind of sex you want more of? Or less of? What kind of lover you are and want to become?

I think that’s one of the reasons a summary of tweets I just read rated sex as one of the top three most confusing parts of life. Well, sure, if you don’t define your erotic identity you’ll show up more like a pinball than a Casanova.
I’m not urging you to ignore attraction, love, desire, libido, hormones, and sexual chemistry. No, I’m suggesting that you can improve your sex life dramatically if you actively and consciously define your personal sexual philosophy.

You do realize that, in our largely sex-negative culture, few of us have honestly and mindfully molded a clear concept of our preferred lovemaking style. Maybe that’s because our elders didn’t have role models like Madonna to steer us away from the mindset of sin towards the overwhelming benefits of a healthy sex life.

Whatever the causes, I want to offer you an easy way to examine your core beliefs and values around sex. If you answer the questions in the following ten categories, I firmly believe your coming sex life will get less and less confusing. And more and more satisfying.

1. Importance

How important is sex to you? For me I’ve always accepted how strong my sex drive was. How high you put lovemaking on your list of life priorities certainly dictates how often you’ll want it and for how long.

There was an era where Saturday night sex was a woman’s duty purely to satisfy her husband. Whether you’re male or female, is that enough for you?

Of course, your libido changes as your hormones come and go. You might find aging, health problems, work stresses, or menopause causing the importance of sex to drop. Or not, if you deem it central to a happy fulfilling life and choose to adapt as we have in our seventies.
2. Relationship

Those still enrolled in the old school may still save sex for marriage. Others believe that they should only make love with the one they love. And then there are those who prefer sport sex while playing the field. In the swinging world, anonymous one-nighters without any sort of relationship are in vogue.

So ask yourself about the role of emotional connection in your sex life. Should your hormones and potential partner’s pheromones determine who you engage with? Or is it all about good looks for you? How important is sexual chemistry? Should you let the infatuation of NRE, new relationship energy, determine who you bed? At least as long as it lasts.

Let’s also consider how committed your are to monogamy. For some that means having sex with only one person your whole life. For others being faithful only applies to the one you’re with this year or month or week. Studies have shown that 60-70% of married people have cheated on their spouse, apparently more so for men. Where do you stand on fidelity?

How do you feel about the growing hook-up culture, especially on college campuses? Are you open to picking people up at bars for one-night stands or having one or more friends with benefits?

Historical research has shown that lifelong monogamy has not always been the accepted pattern of relationship. More and more couples are engaging in polyamory, openly having outside lovers, and other forms of consensual non-monogamy. Several studies put it at 5% in the U.S.

So what are your relationship principles?

3. Gender

An essential element in sexual philosophy is whether you’re only attracted to members of the opposite gender or same-sex partners. You could also choose to be bisexual.

Some say bi people are confused while others like me believe they’re just more open to more forms of pleasure. As a bisexual man, I don’t have the same emotional chemistry with men than I do with women. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy playing with other men’s bodies.

Are you strictly heterosexual, curious, or ready for whatever shows up?

Of course, your gender and relationship preferences are strongly interrelated. What does it mean to you if you have intimate same-sex friends? If you also like to fool around with them, does that mean you’re gay or lesbian?

4. Openness

How awkward is it for you to talk about sex? How shy or assertive are you about asking for what you want? Do you talk about your sexual joys and dilemmas with friends and family? Many therapists will tell you how vital full and authentic sexual communication is especially with your longterm partners.

I didn’t used to be particularly forthcoming about what was going on inside my body and mind, but now my wife and I are completely transparent with what we’re experiencing. And since we have an open relationship, sometimes that means sharing what we’re doing and feeling with other lovers. You might be shocked by how graphic we are around the dinner table with our circle of friends.

To craft this part of your sexual philosophy, ask yourself questions like…

• How much should I talk with my lovers before, during, and after sex?
• How much should I ask for what I want and give feedback about whether I’m getting it or not?
• Should I reveal to my partner(s) when I self-pleasure, get attracted to others, and even make it with other lovers?
• What is appropriate to keep private about my sex life and from whom?
• Who should I talk to openly if I have a sexual problem? A friend? A sex therapist?
• What should I say to my kids about my sex life and their sex lives at what ages?

5. Confidence

Do you feel deserve pleasure? Do you feel good enough about your body to prance around naked with a new — or even an old — lover? How well do you understand your body’s needs so you can give yourself pleasure and ask for what satisfies you?

And how confident are you in giving all sorts of pleasure to your partner? Do you feel good about how you give and receive foreplay, erotic massage, oral sex, and intercourse? If you feel good about your sexual abilities, would it turn you on  or off to make love in front of others?

Let’s not forget the ability to orgasm. Are you in touch enough with your own pleasure pathways that you know all the ways to make yourself climax?  Though there are many more aspects to sex than climaxing, it sure builds confidence if you know how to get your lover off when the time is right.

When delineating your personal sexual philosophy, be sure to make it clear how proud you are of your sexual prowess and fulfillment.

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The second half of this article appears in another post on our Orgasmic Sex Discussion Board. Click here to read the other five elements of crafting a personal sexual philosophy.