A lot of people are turned off by tantric sex without ever really knowing exactly what it is and how it’s done. They associate it with 10 hour long sex sessions, kink or new-age type thinking and assume, “it’s not for me.” But tantric sex is actually a lot different than you think. Practicing tantric sex doesn’t have to mean all day sex session,although it can and you both would love it! But with busy lives you can easily incorporate tantric practices into your lives. You’ll see a huge improvement in your sex life and your relationship. Here’s how to do it:

1. Tantric sex is a form of meditation – I know what you’re probably thinking, “wait, there’s that new age stuff I was worried about!” but hear me out. This isn’t the kind of mediation you’re thinking of, after all, this involves getting intimate with your partner. The fact is proven now that meditation reduces stress and increases your focus. Both of those things lead to better, more pleasurable sex.

2. The brain is your biggest and most important sex organ – If you’re not convinced that your head need to be in the right place to have good sex, consider the following. Many sexual dysfunctions in both men and women can be attributed to psychological issues. I’m not talking about major psychological problems, I’m saying that your brain can easily block you from having an orgasm, getting an erection, lasting longer and enjoying sex to the fullest overall. Therefore, the first thing you need to take care of when it comes to sex is your brain (and your partner’s, of course).

3. Let go of expectations – Most sex these days is completely focused on unrealistic expectations. We’re so caught up in these expectations that we forget to actually enjoy what we’re doing. Some common expectations involve how long it should last, the best positions, the best techniques, how it should feel, and that you and your partner will have an orgasm. We are overly focused on the “goals” of sex and aren’t paying enough attention to the journey. Try forgetting about all of those expectations and notice how much more pleasurable sex becomes.

4. Get to know your own body – Another thing we often focus on is our partner’s body and how she/he is feeling. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to make sure you consider your partner’s experience and want to please her/him, but you don’t want to focus on this to the point where you forget about enjoying your own bodily sensations. Most people touch themselves with one main goal in mind, to have an orgasm and little else. Having that orgasm is just fine, but next time you self-pleasure, take time to really get to know your body and what you like. Being in tune will not only help you enjoy sex more, but it will also make you a better lover.

5. Slow WAY down – Did you know that thrusting away fast and hard can often lessen the sensations that you and your partner feel? In tantric sex it’s all about going slow. A tantric expert once told me to average 3 thrusts/strokes for every 30 you would normally do. It might be impossible, hard or just downright boring, but slowing way down will actually make you feel and enjoy the sensations more.

6. Entice all 5 senses – Don’t just pay attention to the sense of touch, but also take into account ways to excite your sense of smell, hearing, taste, and sight. Tantric sex is a holistic experience.

7. Keep your eyes open – Part of tantric sex is gazing into your partner’s eyes. This might feel uncomfortable at first and you might even experience some embarrassed laughter. That’s ok! Sex should be fun and not take that seriously. But do keep your eyes open the whole time. After a while it will stop feeling uncomfortable and you will start feeling more connected to your partner.

8. Focus on what is happening – Instead of getting caught up in thoughts about how long you will last, if your partner will notice that you’ve gained weight, or if you’re big enough for her, just focus on exactly what it happening in the moment. Focus on your feelings and the sensations in your body.

9. Breathe – If you have heard anything about tantric sex before, this is probably one that you are familiar with. Many people hold their breath during sex and especially as they’re approaching orgasm. But you actually want to do the complete opposite. Take deep breaths from your belly. This will help blood flow throughout your body and into your genitals, making the sensations and orgasm more intense.