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About 10% of women have never had an orgasm --
either with a partner or during masturbation.
— Louanne Cole Weston, PhD at WebMD.com
A nationwide survey found that women orgasm only once for every three that men do. This is called the orgasm gap in heterosexual sex. Statistics also reveal that women don’t have this gulf when making love with other women or by themselves. Back in 1953, a study by the Kinsey organization found that both women and men consistently only need four minutes to come via masturbation. Add to that picture the results from multiple studies that show that, in contrast to men, only 25% of women consistently orgasm during vaginal intercourse.
The purpose of this special report is to demonstrate how Tantric LoveMaking can help bridge that gender gap. Women, the more orgasms you have, the easier it will be. If you’ve been discouraged by not going over the top, you may not know what to do to make it easier. If you’ve bought into the sex-negative rap that sex is dirty or sinful, it would make sense to avoid practicing. Whatever difficulties have frustrated you, the fact remains that your mind and body may have forgotten how to come. Or maybe they never learned how. So we suggest you start by committing yourself to fun exercises described below that will develop your orgasmic abilities. Set an intention and visualize success.
If you or your partner have trouble coming from Jewel Union (sexual intercourse) or any other way, we know that you're looking for an easier road. We hope you've already learned a lot about the process that can help you build up to and trigger female climaxes. Here we're going to detail what you can do to make it more likely to happen more easily, more frequently, and even via Jewel Union.
We need to start with a holistic view of female orgasm. Though helping a man explode is usually a simple process of a few strokes with a little friction and maybe a little porn, it’s more complex for women. The old line — women are turned on by love and men by sex — isn’t enough. In addition to the mechanics of sex, there are mental, emotional, relationship, physical, and energetic factors that influence how women reach sexual climax. As we relate these factors below, consider which approaches seem like they might increase a female’s orgasmic odds.
This article is an excerpt from our ground-breaking new ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making which presents the 17 principles of orgasm. If you want more orgasms — easier, longer, stronger, and multiple ones — download our comprehensive lifelong manual now. Our how-to guide to heart-connected sexual intercourse is about oral sex, anal sex, and sex by hand for men and women, singles and couples, straight and gay, young and old. To overflow with love, reach amazing peaks of ecstasy, and explode every time with bone-rattling fireworks, discover your hidden pleasure triggers to total turn-on and your dormant pathways to all types of orgasm. Our new erotic guide is the permanent fix to sexual frustration for women who struggle with climaxing and their partners. Our expos? is as much a diary of our actual sexual discoveries as it is an explicit easy-to-follow program of step-by-step instructions to teach you everything you ever wanted to know about making love in depth.
Click here to download your copy right now.
The Mental Factor
First, women, let’s consider the mental factor. Remember that one of the Five Cruxes Of Ecstasy is being present. If your mind is elsewhere, your turn-on will suffer. Distractions like kids in the other room or other people who can hear you make it tougher to concentrate on your sensations. Carrying work or relationship stress into the bedroom won’t help. That’s why we lobby for being goalless and against any kind of pressure. Pressure might include a deadline, trying to force yourself to climax, or urging from your partner to come. Putting expectations on yourself, comparing your sex life to others, and holding yourself to some erotic standard will also work against youfreely going over the top. As the Goalless Principle states, don’t worry about coming, instead let your orgasms come to you.
Creating a Sacred Space can help you stay present by eliminating distractions and making the environment conducive to pleasure alone. Hopefully you can make love in a quiet, beautiful place without thin walls and family members on the other side. Turn on erotic music and turn off the TV and telephones. You need to find a way to combat your mind that’s busy wandering and worrying. Regular meditation can make it easier for you to get into the “pleasure comes first” zone. Doing whatever you can to relax is vital. All of this argues strongly in favor of extensive LovePlay. A long sensual massage can help since arousing the body tends to shut down the cerebral functions of the mind.
This is another reason we advocate active fantasizing as you approach orgasm and dance on the verge. It’s a powerful way to keep your mind engaged on something that turns you on instead of on things that distract you. Once we saw a woman orgasm this way without any physical stimulation. While we don’t encourage you to make this a goal, just knowing that others can make themselves come mentally should inspire you. Finding your personal fantasies and indulging in them while making love is one of the most effective techniques for climaxing.
The wrong kind of thoughts can block the buildup of passion. Replacing sex-negative beliefs like “sex is wrong or sinful” or “only bad people like sex” with sex-positive ones like “sex is good and healthy” is essential. It often takes some deep inner work to release and rise above childhood programming, religious dogma about sin, and cultural taboos. If you’ve suffered sexual abuse, violence, or other trauma, resistance can be deeply ingrained inside resulting in body armoring. You may want to consider working with a therapist or sensual bodyworker specializing in these issues. Or find one of the many beneficial alternative therapies available today. Jeffre has replaced her psychological counseling with shamanic energy medicine which is more effective in many cases. (If you're interested, check out SacredRainbowMesa.com.)
The Emotional Factor
Your emotional state may have an even bigger impact on how orgasmic you can be. This goes much farther than making sure you’re in the mood. Of course, you’ll enjoy yourself much more if you’re happy instead of anxious or frightened, down or depressed. But it’s as much about your self-image and self-esteem as it is about what happens in bed. If you don’t like yourself or trust yourself as a sexual being, giving yourself the gift of climax can be a challenge.
If sex feels embarrassing, shameful, and guilty, your orgasms will suffer. Finding a way to move past these feelings and form a healthy relationship with your own sexual identity is essential to reaching your orgasmic potential. If you feel inadequate in bed, we encourage you to practice with an understanding, patient, nonjudgmental partner. There are trained and trustworthy sexual surrogates who work under the close supervision of a licensed psychologist.
In spite of believing he was thoroughly sex-positive, Somraj had a major transformation at a spiritual sexuality workshop some years ago. He stood up naked inside a small circle of women and men to declare how he felt about his sexuality. By looking inside and discarding the judgments he was carrying, he declared that he was a "fully sexual being." By accepting his true innate nature, he lost many of his inhibitions and compulsions. As a result, he became much more accepting of himself and others, in bed and out. That liberated his willingness to experience ecstatic peaks more often.
Embracing a sex-positive attitude is a good antidote for the sex-negative messages you’ve received and likely play over and over in your head. Dr. Ian Kerner, author of the best-selling She Comes First, calls them “orgasm kryptonite.” Even Superwoman is compromised when she puts down her sexual drives. Join us in rejecting the anti-pleasure taboos commonly accepted as true in the modern world. We believe that a robust sex life is an integral part of life and that making love is healthy for the body, mind, and soul. Believing otherwise can block the awakening current and expansion of your orgasmic energy.
We don’t have to tell you that feeling bad about your body really gets in the way of sexual pleasure. If you’re too self-conscious to take your clothes off and make love in the light, you’ll compromise your orgasmic chances. Studies have directly linked body confidence with the ability and quality of orgasms in women. Any size and shape body can be sexy if you believe it. As you well know, we’re all bombarded with media messages about idealist beauty and the “perfect” body. There’s no rational reason to apply these false standards to yourself. But we know how pervasive and compelling they can be.
Although we’re healthy and energetic for senior citizens, we’re far from winning a beauty pageant or body-builder competition. Instead we prefer to honor how orgasmic we’ve taught our “imperfect” bodies to be. Your sex life will benefit if you can learn to love your body as it is and appreciate whatever pleasure it brings you. There are many resources available to help you if this is an issue you're having trouble resolving on your own. Books, workshops, and specialized counselors can help. One powerful practice in many sacred sex workshops is to teach women and men to honor the female form, especially their yoni (vulva and vagina). One leading option is the "Love, Intimacy, and Sex" workshops conducted by the Human Awareness Institute. By the way, that's where we met.
The Relationship Factor
Since we know that most women can bring themselves across the finish line by themselves, we have to consider the effect of your relationship on your orgasms. When you’re feeling a close bond, a sweet sense of harmony, a joy at just being together, pleasure flows more easily. When you’re open about everything and hanging on each other’s every word, all you care about is making each other feel as good as you feel. When you’re in love and all those feel-good hormones are coursing through your system, passion sweeps you away more readily.
But when you’re not, you’re not so hot, are you?
Inhibitions of all sorts can block your pathway to orgasm. It’s not uncommon for women to spend more time worrying about losing control in front of someone else than focusing on their own pleasure. This includes worries about looking silly, being laughed at, or being judged critically. If these blocking thoughts prevent you from being vulnerable, you might be holding back from letting go. Hey, stuff happens — like crying, farting, and making a big wet spot — when you’re going for the Big O. If you can’t accept that whatever you do is a natural part of the game, you’ll limit your chances of surrendering to the wildness that going over the top releases.
If you can’t relax or trust your playmate, or if you’re consumed with jealousy, climbing up the mountain won’t be that easy. Stress, tension, and pressure with your partner block a woman’s orgasmic response. When you’re mad at each other, the best you can hope for is angry sex. Sure, that might feel good in the moment, but it isn't a long-term solution to conflict. Make-up sex should after you make-up. Feeling comfortable with each other, communicating freely and easily, and not trying to change how your playmate is feeling works much better. If your partner’s ego is all wrapped up in making you climax, it can get in your way, too. It really turns us off when guys urge their partners to “Come for me now, baby!” That’s way too much pressure for the average woman who’s already struggling. You’re the only one who is ultimately totally responsible for your own orgasms.
On the other hand, focusing too much on your partner’s pleasure can also be a drawback. If you can’t be selfish enough to amass and harness your own sexual energy, who will? Thinking too much about your playmate can work against you putting enough attention on your own orgasmic ascent. Just accept that there comes a time when you need to forget about how you’ll look when you lose control, about whether or not you’re showing up as a hottie, and most certainly about reciprocating when you need to concentrate on yourself.
Some of the preparations included earlier in this book are designed to smooth partner relations. Tools like the Partnering Questions, Sweet Everythings, and sexual communication techniques. Practicing some of our exercises without expectations, like kids playing doctor, can really change your sexual dynamics. If relationship stress is a frequent visitor in your bed, you might also want to consider counseling to clear the baggage in the way.
If any of these mental, emotional, or relationship issues resonate with you, you should already have some steps in mind to improve your orgasmic response. Now that we understand the foundation, let us shift our focus to the physical side. Since explosive orgasm boosts your metabolism, fitness is fundamental.
Of course, being out of shape can influence your ability to come easily. When you make athletic love for an hour or more, your body needs to be able to keep up. That includes heart, breath, and muscle fitness. Aside from doing regular Kegel exercises, or what we call PC Pumps, this isn’t simply a sales pitch for going to the gym. It’s more about overall health and well-being. In addition to the previous factors, not being in a good place physically can limit your orgasmic response.
Some illnesses and body conditions can sap your orgasmic energy. Pain really gets in the way. When our lower backs go out, peaking is much more of a challenge. Trying to make love when you’re hungry, thirsty, sore, or tired — or on a very full stomach — may make coming more difficult. In other words, like the Comfort Principle reminds us, feeling comfortable is essential. Hormones also play an influential part in arousal and orgasm. Childbirth, aging, and menopause can shift your body’s balance.
If you’re challenged in this department, you should consider seeing a physician who is well versed in the progressive specialty of bio-identical hormones. The compounds that our alternative doctor has prescribed for Jeffre have been very effective. We also understand that some birth control pills have an undesirable impact on sexual response. Certain medications, notably anti-depressants, are known to retard desire, arousal, and the ease of climaxing.
We’re well aware that some women use alcohol or marijuana to loosen up inhibitions and get turned on. Since we’re not teetotalers by any means, we have no problem with that. We’ve been know to imbibe something now and then to boost our energy. But you can have too much of a good thing. Bigger doses function as a sedative and affect erections and sexual response. Apparently that has a name, at least for guys, called “whiskey dick.” We don’t know if there’s a street name for how much the recreational drug ecstasy retards sexual desire. But it sure does for hours. So if using when you make love is your thing, you might want to test out how your body responds without any stimulants. By experimenting you should be able to determine what level of moderation is best for your orgasms.
You can make your climaxes easier, stronger, and longer if you devote some attention to increasing your sensitivity. Part of that is mental and emotional. Too many women have cut themselves off from their bodies. How can you expect to enjoy orgasmic pleasure if you’re not in your body?
To change that, start by accepting whatever feels good without comparing or putting it down. Appreciate every goose bump, every kiss, every touch, every bit of wetness, and every bit of engorged flesh. Feel gratitude for each kind of pleasure you give yourself or receive from your playmate. Treat every sensation as if it was the first and only time you could feel it. That’s the spirit of the Last Stroke Exercise in Chapter 2 of Long Hot Tantric Love Making.
The fancy name for feeling more is Sensory Awareness. That means paying close attention to everything your body is experiencing. Cory Silverberg at Sexuality.About.Com describes it this way…
Pay attention as if you had to describe what you’re feeling to someone who had never felt it before.
It’s important to be able to register pleasure and amass enough to orgasm. Fortunately, it’s a skill you can develop with practice. The Penetration Sensations Exercise in Chapter 12 is designed to help you refine that ability during jewel union.
Here’s a simple way to practice…
Exercise: Sensory Awareness
This solo exercise will help you improve your sensory awareness by scanning every inch of your body. That includes getting more in your body, out of your mind, and feeling every little sensation everywhere in your body.
1. Lay down and get comfortable. Take a few deep breaths.
2. Put your full attention on your body. Flood it with consciousness.
3. Focus on what your feet are feeling for fifteen seconds.
4. Do you feel any subtle tingling anywhere? When you do, imagine your breath streaming in and fueling it. The more you inhabit your body through consciousness, the more you'll feel the first stirrings of kundalini energy: warmth, tingling, a vibration of aliveness.
5. Then, one at a time, focus on your ankles, calves, knees, thighs, pelvis, stomach, lower back, upper back, chest, shoulders, arms, hands, neck, face, and head.
6. Now do the same thing with your jewels. Don’t rush it, just spend some time concentrating on each part of your yoni. Feel whatever you can feel and extend each sensation with your mind. See how far can you take each sensations.
7. Just relax, feel your body, and watch what happens.
If you followed the directions, you might have noticed that you weren't worrying, obsessing, or thinking about anything. Your mood may have also shifted during this practice.
Taking Charge of Your Turn-On
Women who have inherited a sex-negative attitude may be cut off from their bodies and have a tough time reaching peak pleasure. So a vital part of freeing your orgasmic response is learning what feels good to you. That includes learning all about your anatomy, your erogenous zones, and what your sexy bits most respond to. All women have their own unique orgasmic pathways that take time, attention, and focus to discover and master. Do you know all of yours intimately?
For example, what kind of stroke, pressure, or vibration is most desirable and luscious on your clio (clitoris)? Can you list what it takes to activate your G-Spot or deeper triggers inside your yoni? What preparations do you need to get into the psychological space that you lets you welcome these sensations? Some women find that building arousal slowly is better for some of their erogenous zones. Some prefer the fast track on other pleasure spots. Often the rhythm most desired changes from session to session. Nearly everyone finds that they require different actions to activate different kinds of orgasms.
Learning your body’s particular preferences is easier said than done. And it’s even harder when you’re busy trying to please your partner. If you’re unaware of what you need to feel satisfied, your pleasure with different partners will probably be unpredictable and unreliable.
Hopefully you’re reminded of the emphasis in Chapter 2 of Long Hot Tantric Love Making about taking responsibility for your own pleasure. Which is why we encouraged you then and want to urge you again to self-pleasure regularly. This is the best way we know for you to understand your body and boost your orgasmic energy. In fact, if you talk to many highly orgasmic women, you will find they all have a long history of excelling at making themselves come by hand and vibe.
Further, you can’t depend on another person to know you and your body as well as you can. Women who are expert at going over the top also excel at coaching their playmates. The more you learn about your peak pleasure pathways, the better you’ll become at the How To Love Me Exercise from Chapter 2 of Long Hot Tantric Love Making. To increase your orgasmic odds, it’s essential to diplomatically guide your lover. But we don’t want to turn you into a sex-starved monster who continually protests that your playmate never gets it right. Be easy about it over the long haul. Use a word here and there like “harder, yum!” or “a little to the left, oh yeah!” And let your non-verbal signals be the best teacher. If you don’t share your personal preferences, your orgasms will likely be hit and miss at best. Our experience is that most men prefer feedback from their partner.
That reminds us of a fascinating learning experience with a dear friend who goes by the name Doctor G. Right, he’s one of the world’s experts about pleasuring a woman’s G-Spot. Anyway, we were at a party where he was pleasuring Jeffre. Somraj heard her loud passionate shrieks from the other side of the room. When he asked him later what he was doing, he explained and demonstrated the Come-Hither Stroke from Chapter 7 of Long Hot Tantric Love Making.
Subsequently Jeffre gave Somraj a coaching session that reproduced her intense sensations and wild screams.
How To Hit The Right Spots
You must have noticed that we’ve devoted multiple pages to the preparations for reaching orgasm. Though you’ve heard it many times, we’ll remind you again that maybe you need more foreplay. Some studies quote that it takes a woman 20 minutes to orgasm, others say 40, but, who knows, maybe you need more. Next we’ll remind you that the strength of your PC muscles has a dramatic impact on how easy it is to come. In fact, you may find that squeezing your pelvic muscles as you’re peaking does the trick. This is a technique many female orgasm masters rave about.
Still, what you do while you’re making love is critical. That’s why we’ve devoted so much attention in earlier chapters to different strokes, different positions, and different ways to hit a woman’s ten outer and nine inner erogenous zones, especially during Jewel Union. If all you usually do is Missionary Posture, you might have better luck with Doggy Style. Or if your man’s stroking schemes don’t do it for you, maybe you should try Cowgirl or Reverse Cowgirl so you’re in charge.
But changing position all by itself won’t guarantee that his tool will contact your orgasmic trigger spots the right way. That’s where the partnering process and particularly the Share Everything Style come in handy. Even if you know that something’s not working, it will never change as long as you don't say anything. If you adopt an experimental approach with your partner, your collaborative research can help you find the strokes and rhythms that activate your orgasmic response. If you have fun and it feels good, don’t worry about how close you get to the edge each time. Enjoying every step of the journey can be an end in itself. And we’re confident it will eventually pay off big time.
We suggest part of your explorations include trying out different Sexual Positions and Postures. Go back to Chapter 13 of Long Hot Tantric Love Making and consider how you can better activate your G-Spot and deeper pleasure spots around the womb.
For example, you can easily adjust the angle of vajra’s (penis) entry even in the old Missionary Posture to target different erogenous zones. Spreading your legs and wrapping them around your playmate’s butt or back will pull them deeper. Crossing your legs or bending them on your sweetie’s chest will make entry tighter. Putting one or both legs up on your playmate’s shoulders aims shallow strokes to your G-Spot and deep strokes to your A-spot (the deep inner crevice in the vagina near the belly). Putting your butt on a pillow or the edge of the bed can make it easier for a vajra to reach all the way into your cul-de-sac (the deep inner crevice in the vagina near the spine). Sitting on a counter or table can help you make similar target adjustments.
This, of course, is just the tip of the iceberg about the art and science that the Kama Sutra made so popular.
Let us remind you of three guidelines that help women go over the edge. First, women get more excited by following the Variety Principle in the third of the five phases of Tantric LoveMaking, the one we call the valley. Givers, don’t keep jackhammering but instead keep varying what you do. By all means, follow where her energy leads you. But when a woman is getting ready to climax, trying to push her across the finish line with harder and faster pumping isn’t very reliable. Instead, make use of the two other principles of female orgasm.
The Go-For-It Principle suggests that when her cues indicate she’s getting close, don’t change anything. Stay the course, remain present with all your attention on her, and just keep doing what you were doing that got her this close. That definitely means don’t suddenly speed up or push harder. If she hovers there without letting go, you can use the Reaching Principle. The primary way to do this is to slightly slow or soften your strokes so she has to reach for orgasm on her own. Once she gets consumed with her climax, ride the wave with her by again not changing anything.
Why Some Women Orgasm Easier Than Others During Jewel Union
Earlier we mentioned that studies have shown that 70% of women need clio (clitoris) stimulation to orgasm. If a woman’s clio isn’t close to yoni’s mouth, it’s unlikely that a stroking vajra will contact it. A recent study quoted in SheKnows.com determined how close a clio needs to be for stimulation during jewel union. Researchers measured the distance from the clio to the urethral outlet at the top of yoni’s mouth in women who could and couldn’t orgasm easily. The female research subjects had clio-to-outlet distance of 0.62 inches (1.6 cm) to 1.75 inches (4.5 cm). They found that a clio more than one inch (2.5 cm) away doesn’t provide enough friction to push a woman over the top.
We understand that only a small percentage of blessed women fall in the less than one-inch group. If no other clio stimulation happens during Jewel Union, this could easily explain why so few women orgasm while being penetrated by a vajra.
As you’ve already read, some Sexual Postures can bridge the distant-clio gap at least to some degree. If he moves his body up relative to hers in the CAT Posture, his pubic area can massage her clio. Some postures of the Man-Above Position let him compress and rub her clio with Pubic Grinding. In the Yab-Yum Posture of the Sitting Position, she can wrap her legs around his hips and ride her clio up and down his belly and pubic hair. In different postures of the Woman-Above Position, she can lean forward and rub her clio on the man’s belly or, if she straddles him on one side, against his leg. This was how Jeffre first learned to orgasm during Jewel Union in her first marriage.
So it is possible to increase your chances of triggering female climax while your jewels are coupling. But why limit yourself when there are so many other ways to stimulate clio? When Jeffre and our closest girlfriend want a dramatic send-off with a Big O during Jewel Union, they add the Pocket Rocket vibe to their clio. Sometimes Somraj directs a vibrator on his playmate himself.
But you don’t necessarily need a sex toy. That’s where digital sex comes in handy. Many postures make it difficult for the man to reach her clio while his vajra is stroking in and out. In the Man-Above, Woman-Above, or Sitting Position, one of us can usually bend an arm and wrist to massage the clio for a short time. But after a while it becomes uncomfortable.
Somraj can also reach around during Rear-Entry Postures but it’s awkward after a bit. When Jeffre has enough support, it’s easier for her to pleasure her clio in this position. That’s why Side-To-Side Postures are some of our favorites. With Jeffre on her back and Somraj’s legs at right angles under hers, both of us can reach her clio easily with vibe or hands.
Combining digital sex and toys with jewel union comes under the heading of add-ons. And add-ons create hot links which open energy channels between two or more erogenous zones. Betty Dodson, who some call the godmother of orgasms, once said…
Clitoral and penile orgasms result from stimulation of the pudendal pathway, while orgasms that result from G-spot, vaginal, and rectal stimulation often involve the pelvic nerve. Stimulating the pelvic nerve, via the rectum, can also lead to pleasure in some surprising ways.
In simpler terms, playing with the clio and G-crest or the jewels and the rosetta opens two nerve pathways to the brain. In effect a passion circuit between them creates an energy circle that flows through the brain.
The bottom line? Creating more channels with more kundalini (orgasmic energy) flowing can catapult any lover up and over the orgasmic precipice. In the next chapter we’re going to examine what we consider possibly the most powerful orgasmic technique of all, the energy orgasm.
Exercise: Improving Female Orgasms
This practice begins with a solo part where you plan how to improve your orgasms. In the second phase you involve your partner in putting your plan into action together. (We realize this exercise refers to some concepts explained in Long Hot Tantric Love Making. Do your best and consider this an introduction to the learning process that helps women improve their orgasms.)
Part 1 Directions
1. Read through this chapter again making notes about what you believe will make more kinds of orgasms come more easily, feel stronger, and last longer
2. Write down some steps you dedicate yourself to taking including the different types of orgasms and erogenous zones you want to explore.
3. Begin working on the solo steps in your plan.
4. If you have a committed partner, go over this material, your plan, and your solo results in order to enlist their support.
Part 2 Directions
1. Create a sacred space, discuss the partnering questions, and do a Heart Bonding.
2. Enjoy some extended full-body LovePlay including her yoni until she’s erect and engorged.
3. Experiment with stimulating the first erogenous zone and type of orgasm in your plan.
4. Include Add-Ons and bring Hot Links into the mix.
5. Receiver, be sure to share everything that you’re feeling. Tell your partner what's most stimulating and what gets you the closest. In addition to absorbing the pleasure and circulating the energy, help the giver tune in to what pleases you best.
6. Repeat the exercise now or later concentrating on different orgasmic pathways.
Remember, orgasm improvement follows the “use it or lose it rule.” Be sure to have fun and not put any pressure on yourself or your partner. Make your experiments an integral part of your lovemaking. Adopt the role of intrepid explorer who’s not deterred by slow progress or small setbacks. Expect baby steps and slow progress over the long haul.
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