A Spiritual Alternative to Viagra: Timing Your Ejaculations to Extend Your Sexual Stamina

As much as we seek to release all attachment, many of us aging lovers are still attached to getting and maintaining our own or our partner’s erection.

While I don’t see anything spiritually wrong with medicines like Viagra, I prefer natural alternatives. Being a sexually-active 70-year-old male, I’ve tried many herbal potions with varying results. Although some are frauds, I want to offer my belated thanks to the Kama Sutra for introducing aphrodisiacs into the world.

Actually I don’t need much help getting it up. But being Tantrically trained, I love to make love several times a week for an hour or more at a time. So my erectile experiments have centered around staying hard as long as we’re having fun.

It turns out that my erection stamina has less to do with what I put in my body than what I let out. Or to be more accurate, how often I ejaculate.

According to ancient spiritual traditions like Tantra and Taoism , a man’s semen is his life essence. One venerable teacher called it “Original Spirit.” According to these bygone sexologists, spilling your seed decreases your vitality, energy, and libido. Which, of course, diminishes your ability to get and stay erect.

I have a friend who can come ten times in a row without much break. That’s never been me. Even as a young man my desire to do it again wouldn’t return for many hours. Now that I’m a sexy senior citizen, that’s become days. For me my most powerful virility option is repeatedly surfing on the edge of coming without squirting.

If your hackles just rose rise up in horror, bear with me. I know how good it feels to explode into a big wet spot. Or to push your male partner over that ecstatic precipice. I still remember that student years ago who refused to listen any further exclaiming, “You want me to give up my favorite part of sex? No way!”

One thing I learned from Tantra is that orgasm and ejaculation are two different things. So I said to him, “What if I could show you how to have orgasm after stronger orgasm for as long as you want instead?” That got his attention fast. It wasn’t too long afterwards that I published my Male Multiple Orgasm book about how to do just that.

When I released the goal of frequent orgasm and mentally pivoted towards longer pleasure instead, my erection stamina soared. Does this inspire you in any way to learn to float in a continuous and higher orgasmic state instead of pushing for a quick release?

My point is that we all need to find our own personal ejaculation frequency. For me, that’s every few weeks. I learned how to conserve my vital essence by studying two early traditions.

Tantra is an ancient Eastern spiritual practice that teaches how to harness the life forces that innervate body, mind, and spirit. Tantric adepts harness sexual energy to fuel consciousness, love, and enlightenment. When applied to lovemaking, conserving the energy of orgasm is essential. It was through Tantric practices that I mastered the art of multiple energy orgasms without ejaculating.

The study of Taoism has helped me as well. Taoism is an ancient Chinese philosophy about finding “the way” in harmony with natural order and the principles of yin and yang. Ancient Taoist physicians specialized in extending longevity. They gave men specific guidelines about how often to ejaculate based on age, strength, and health.

One such recommended schedule for strong males comes from Su Nü who wrote under the pseudonym the Plain Girl. She was a concubine of the famous Yellow Emperor during the Chinese Yin Dynasty 5000 years ago. Here’s what she advised: Teenagers can afford to ejaculate twice a day, while 30-year-olds can come daily. Men of 40 should ejaculate only once every three days and 50-year-olds only every five days. Men of 60 can release every ten days and those of 70 once a month. This famous concubine of the emperor doubled these durations for weaker men and advised weak 70-year-olds to give up ejaculating altogether.

Master Sun, born in 581 AD and lived for 101 years, prescribed a stricter schedule. He advised that men who could make love 100 times without an emission would live a very long life. Since few could achieve that, he suggested two ejaculations per month. His detailed schedule was: one emission every four days for 20-somethings, every eight days for 40-year-olds, and only once every 20 days for men in their 50s. He recommended those above 60 give it up altogether unless they were exceptionally healthy.

Chinese longevity specialists advised that every man needs to find his own right interval. Expert guidance to find my own way has always inspired my rebellious nature. When I first started enjoying extended Tantric lovemaking at 50, I came every time we made love. Several times a week was too often for me. I discovered that I could maintain my erections better if I limited my emissions to twice a week. Ten years later, once a week was necessary. Now a three-week schedule seems best.

The Taoist doctors advised that it was unhealthy to give up ejaculating altogether except in extreme circumstances. That’s been my experience, too. After quite a few lovemaking sessions I sometimes experience testicle pressure often called “blue balls.” Though there’s been little relevant scientific research, doctors say it’s nothing serious that isn’t resolved by coming. Fortunately, a little massage and energy-spreading breathwork resolves it quickly for me. Or I decide my body is telling me it’s time to release.

Undoubtedly, your mileage may vary. Mine does based on how I’m feeling physically and emotionally and how much action I’ve had recently. Hopefully I’ve given you enough grounding in the art and science of ejaculatory timing to find a schedule that keeps you hot and hard and virile well into old age. I figure with my expertise and experience I’ve got another few decades of Tantric sex ahead of me.

Love, Somraj

Fuckstasy and 69: Passionate Orgasms Stem More From Following Than Leading (X-Rated)

My girlfriend and I had a sweet and sexy reunion with an old boyfriend who returned to play with us after a breakup. The three of us have been heart-connected for many years. He joined us Friday night after breaking up with his now-ex-girlfriend who was decidedly monogamous. Different strokes, right? He proposed and later confirmed that a three-way romp would provide the cleanest closure so he could move past grieving.

Though we spent hours talking and connecting platonically, when we got around to sex many of our old turn-ons for each other came back organically. I was strongly reminded of how lovely threesomes are when the two same-gendered people are bisexual. In this case, two men with a woman. Or when there are two women with one man (one of my favorites, I freely admit). As Kim pointed out at the SexPositive Reno presentation about Ethical Non-Monogamy last Monday, otherwise it’s a V. That means the two men are at the top of the V only connected with the woman at the bottom point. Or vice versa. Don’t get me wrong, taking turns can be super erotic when watching is a turn-on for everyone involved. But the three-way energy connection when we’re each into touching each other (and more) provides its own special gifts.

When we finally crashed after midnight, we were hoping to conserve our energy for a long day of play starting early Saturday morning. Unfortunately — no, correct that — fortunately, she and I couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Our tired lovemaking was slow and sweet and delicious. So yummy that I fell asleep in a profound state of “fuckstasy.” You may not have heard that word before because I made it up while her jewels (genitals) kept insisting on mine sliding in and out of hers. Our fucking created such intense ecstasy that I coined the term fuckstasy.

Have you been there recently? I sure hope so.

Turns out the erotic evening and sleepy coupling served as the perfect foreplay for our twelve-hour one-on-one date the next day after our boyfriend left. When we started up again about noon, we were more relaxed than usual. If you’ve read any of my Tantra articles or books, you know how vital
relaxation is for running energy. That’s our slang term for the feeling of consciously streaming sexual excitement through your body.

Even after 15 years, not only could we not keep our hands off of each other, we couldn’t keep our mouths off of each other. 69, mutual oral sex, seemed to the perfect way to start up again. As the excitement built, it cascaded through our bodies in stronger and stronger pulses. One of the best things about 69 for energy-sensitive lovers is that it creates a complete circle. The sexual electricity streamed up my body from my cock (with her mouth around it) and sparked off my tongue into her pussy. The current from her pussy up her body through her heart to her mouth completed the circuit.

I’ve written many times earlier about how important open forthright communication is to sexual pleasure. Specifically, last year she gave me a little  course about what her clio (clitoris) prefers: soft and slow and slippery. Right, even after all this time, I still needed (and need) training to please her in some new moments. So, being the dedicated student I am, I was gentle though creative with her growing pearl.

And patient. My goddess, we already had great fun the night before and had the whole day and night ahead of us. So I was in no hurry. As she explained later, that is one critical factor in her ability to orgasm. When she’s worried that it’s taking too long, or she’s thinking that her partner wants her to reciprocate, she can’t sink into her own pleasure and explode over the top. I was having so much fun from licking her and being sucked that I could have gone on much longer than the thirty minutes we were so engaged.

And while we’re discussing female orgasms, it’s important to recognize that they often take many times longer than male ones. Sometimes up to an hour or more. But frankly that wasn’t my purpose. Tantric lovemaking isn’t goal oriented. The electromagnetism circling between us was so satisfying that I didn’t want it to end too soon.

At one point, maybe twenty minutes into our 69ing, she simply said “suck it.” I knew she wanted my mouth providing suction and bouncing up and down on her clio. That was more vigorous than my earlier training indicated, but I readily complied. There was no doubt that she asked for the right thing. It was obvious because she started vibrating and breathing and moaning so much more strongly.

Which raises another point about feminine climaxes. It’s hard to make a woman come who doesn’t know her own body, her most potent erogenous triggers, and her proven pathways to orgasm. That’s why we always urge and encourage all women to self-pleasure regularly. Plus it’s like exercise. They need to keep their sexual muscles toned and ready for the onslaught of tidal waves of pleasure. Because my girlfriend is so active, she knows her body and its response intimately. So when she asked for sucking, I knew I was being guided by the foremost authority on her own excitement.

With the mutual sucking 69 we were both getting even hotter than we’d been before. I could feel the sexual energy more intensely in my cock which made me wail and flail, moan and groan. Did you ever hear of a “hummer?” That’s when a lover hums while giving oral sex. The term is usually applied to blowjobs, but in this case she couldn’t help but feel my sound vibrations directly invading her clio.

Later she told me how much it turns her on when a man shows his turn-on without holding back. Us guys may be culturally programmed to be taciturn and insensitive like John Wayne. But that’s not me. Tantra training has helped me to fully feel and express my passion. When I’m in an energy circle like 69, I know I have to keep up my end of the bargain. The more energy we both generate, release, and reveal, the stronger the synergy.

I really didn’t know where we were heading up to this point. Remember, I was so blissed out from the night before that I wasn’t the least bit rushing. But when she said “harder” I figured the end was in sight. How many times have I mistimed my ejaculation mistakenly expecting the woman I was fucking was on the brink? Again, her simple assertiveness saved me from having to try to figure out where she was at.

As instructed, I kept doing what I was doing, just harder. And the room began to glow, and the walls began to shimmer, and her body seemed to levitate. It didn’t happen all at once, but in stages. A little louder, a little more shaking, a little more intense energy flow. And then more, and then more. Kind of like Led Zeppelin’s super-hit “Stairway To Heaven” that Jimmy Page calls “that fucking wedding song.”

Did you ever wonder or say “did you come yet?” to your playmate? No need for that this time. The explosive climax shook us and the bed. I held on to her butt cheeks for dear life. I think my cock fell out of her mouth (fortunately) so she could scream at the top of her lungs. And it kept going on and on, changing in colors and flavors and textures, as it bounced off the walls and ceiling, rattled the windows, and freaked out our four dogs. (Well not too much, they’re kind of used to it.)

This was not the first time that I was humbled by such an experience. Not the first time I realized any self-image of me being a good lover is dwarfed by the truth that I wasn’t leading or in charge. Rather, I followed her to her climax. I listened, observed, and paid attention to what her body was doing and what she knew she wanted. Like so many macho guys, sometimes I can’t help suffering from feeling that I know it all. It takes this kind of ascent to a woman’s orgasm to disabuse me of my hubris. Sure, I feel fantastic having done my part. But if I have any ego left in the whole affair, my pride is centered around being willing to let her direct me and my willingness to follow.

Women, may you take more charge in bed. And men, may you have the strength of character to surrender to her pleasure while putting your ego aside.

Love, Somraj

How To Help Teens Deal With Their Powerful Sex Drive

From Dr. Denny Coates on LinkedIn:

Somraj, great resources for healthy adult sex! I have a question – What should teens do as they experience their new, powerful sex drive to avoid STDs, unwanted pregnancy, sexual bullying, porn addiction, and the teen hook-up culture and grow healthy attitudes about their sexuality? I know this is a difficult question, but these kids deserve good guidance, you’ve given sexuality a lot of thought, and I’d love your input.

Best, Denny

Wow Denny, that’s quite a question. I appreciate you asking. The simple answer is starts with  appropriate sex education years before when they start to become aware of their bodies and private parts. This needs more than just early grade education from trained teachers. It needs parents understanding how to model intimacy, give positive messages, and reinforce that sex is natural and healthy.

My premise (as yet thoroughly untested) is to create a sex-positive attitude of normalcy around sex before the hormones hit big time. But of course the formative Sex Ed needs to be followed by realistic segments as they mature. We’re talking about a culture change here so gradual will be the watchword.

I’m a revolutionary so personally I’m in favor of young sexual experimentation via the hookup culture. But not until teenagers (and college students afterwards) have the grounding in sexual health and pleasure, acceptance of orientation diversity, and respect for others. Undoubtedly this response is influenced by my current reading of Robert Heinlein’s “Time Enough For Love” where he paints a decidedly pro-body, love, and sex culture ruled by understanding and celebration of desire in all from from an early age.

I’m working on a Holistic Sex Education Manifesto which will give a longer answer. If it’s OK with you I’d like to post your question on my blog and hopefully get more comments.

 

 

Love, Somraj

2 Keys to Consensual Non-Monogamy: How to Grow Your Relationship by Playing Around Openly Without Cheating

We attended a fascinating SexPositive Reno Meetup earlier this week about Ethical Non-Monogamy, sometimes called Consensual Non-Monogamy. If those terms are new to you, we’re talking about having sexual and love relationships with more than person at the same time. Openly, honestly, and intentionally.

This sometimes looks like swinging from internet hookups, sex parties, and swing clubs. Other times it’s called polyamory, having multiple acknowledged love relationships. There are as many ways to relate to more than one than there are personal opinions about politics. But they’re all based on the premise that you can love more than one, that you can screw more than one, and you can still love the one you’re with even more.

The reality is that we all have a huge untapped capacity to love and make love with more than one. Can you love more than one sport, music group, or hobby? Can you have more than one BFF? Can you love your parents, your kids, and your spouse at the same time? Sure you can.

Being alive means you will be attracted to others. Whatever your age, intelligence, education, culture, or lifestyle, life will trigger desires, urges, and fantasies that involve others. The question is how do we deal with them. The default for most traditionalists is to suppress these attractions, hide them, and keep them secret. Now how well does that work for you? It’s never worked for me. But I’ve always negotiated at least the freedom to have them, reveal them, and enjoy them even when my agreements didn’t give permission to pursue them.

ENM or CNM is a far cry from giving in to secret desires, clandestine flings, private internet flirting, and cheating. Eharmony did a study that showed 75% of men and 68% of women have cheated at some point in their relationships. As a lifelong rebel, I don’t think outside affairs are so bad if they’re done openly. But if that many partners are lying about it, you can understand why breakups and divorces are so prevalent. And you can see why so many people are questioning the cultural standard of being faithful to just one partner.

Several studies have shown that about 5% of the population publicly acknowledges that they practice some form of non-monogamy.

Dealing With Jealousy and Drama

The Meetup presenter, Kim, was a woman who was experienced, had been a sex worker at one time, but was never comfortable in a monogamous relationship. Though she came across as a little shy and nervous, the balanced, rational thinking that her slides showed was brilliant. The more Kim talked, the more I was attracted to her. (Sorry, that’s not my point here.)

Much of the rousing discussion amongst some veterans and some newbies centered around the challenges of these non-traditional love structures. Top of the list was jealousy which many adherents call “the green eyed monster.” Making agreements and dealing with expectations, especially unspoken ones, figured in prominently. As well, there was lots of talk about the whole range of emotions such practices can stir up.

The tried-and-true rules for managing drama and upsets all center around dealing with lovers’ insecurities. Will he be a better lover than me? Will she fall in love with him and leave me? What’s wrong with me if he/she wants to be with someone else?

I know the knee-jerk reaction of most people, myself included, is to blame, judge, and criticize our partner when we get emotionally charged. But as the speaker pointed out, that doesn’t work. From her extensive experience, she proposed that an essential discipline to making open relationships work is self-awareness. You know, being willing, able, and committed to looking at yourself.

That’s been my belief in my twenty-something years of experimenting. In fact, I once coined Somraj’s Relationship Rule: “Look at yourself and things get better, look at the other and they get worse.”

Kim gave us workable tools to use and insightful questions to ask ourselves. These processes that worked for her can help us look inside and find what’s causing a dramatic reaction out of proportion to what’s actually going on. Often, the root cause is an earlier unresolved hurt or trauma. Undisclosed expectations or unstated agreements cause a lot of these stressful conflicts. Sometimes it’s an inherited or programmed belief that just isn’t serving you.

I remember one of our first adult play parties. We made an agreement that we wouldn’t go off with someone else without checking in with our partner first. Maybe just two hours later my sweetie went into our bedroom with some hot hunk without telling me. At first, I was pretty pissed-off until I considered who I was in relationship with. She was a spontaneous, passionate, and willful woman. That I love. When I considered if she could be herself and enjoy life following our agreement, I changed my belief. I decided to trust that she loved me no matter what she did. And that new premise has been serving us both for the last fifteen years in and out of multiple extended romantic and erotic connections.

So if you don’t have the tools and dedication to witness what’s going on inside yourself and change when necessary, don’t try CNM.

There’s A Second Key

After we talked about the Meetup, I realized there was another element to making self-awareness work. Partner-awareness.

Now I know my rule says if you look at the other party things get worse. But this is different. It’s not judging them harshly, no far from it. Partner-awareness means looking at the situation from your partner’s point of view. What’s their personal perspective? How do they see things? How are they experiencing what’s happening?

When I recalled the earlier example, I remembered trying to put myself in her shoes. I tried to figure out why she would go into the bedroom with that guy just after we’d agreed to check-in first. Knowing her, it was clear she was swept away with his attention, inspired by his romanticism, and turned-on by the erotic possibilities. All of that was completely non-mental which is, of course, where agreements and the ability to follow them come from. Putting myself in her position was how I decided to change my belief about her fling. If I wanted the freedom to get infatuated like she did, could I give her the freedom to go with the flow? I decided yes.

The first spiritual philosophy I studied called this “granting of beingness.” When you take the time and trouble to deeply understand WHO that other person is, you’ll be comprehending their being fully. Then the question becomes, “Is it OK with me for them to be the way they are?” Can I grant them the right to be themselves? Or more simply, can I accept them as they are? Can I just let them be?

If you really love someone, you’ve got to answer a resounding “YES!” But unless we can get through our own garbage and clearly see life through their eyes, how can we honestly grant them the right to be themselves?

As deranged as I can be during relationship stress, I’ve always wanted to let my partner be, grow, and evolve totally in harmony with who their inner being is guiding them to be. Sometimes I’m better at practicing my rule than others. But I always come back to this center. Am I loving some mocked-up image of my beloved, or the real authentic person I fell for?

I think this highlights a major problem in so many modern relationships. To get along, some people need to get their partner to change so they don’t push their buttons. Or satisfy some antiquated social norms. Or meet some fantasy of soul-mate-ness.

The Bottom Line

Relationship is personal growth experience. If you’re willing to look at yourself and see things from your beloved’s point of view, you’ll learn how to be a better partner. And if your partner does the same, so will they. And things will get better.

If you’re not getting along emotionally, in bed, dealing with money, parenting, and staying healthy, I don’t recommend jumping into ENM or CNM. Because it will put lots more pressure on your one-on-one connection. And it can result in explosive drama. If you can’t handle the stuff that normal life together brings up, will you be able to handle all that extra garbage?

But if you’re harmonious and in love, you might well find yourselves wanting more. You can love more than one and you can enjoy sex and intimacy with more than one. And with the right approach, you can do it together.

Just be aware that when you go for the gold of open relationships, lots more stuff will likely come up. Be prepared to deal with it.

At the end of the Meetup I did pipe up that just dealing with the negatives was depressing. My life is so much fuller because I have other lovers. In fact, we’re celebrating this weekend because a long-time boyfriend is joining us for a little party for the first time in six years.

Is it worth it? For us, absolutely. I guess you’ve got to decide if it’s worth it to you. The two of you.

 

 

Love, Somraj

Orgasmic Energy Sex is Safe Sex, Passionate Foreplay, and Sometimes a Phenomenal Main Event

I want to tell you about an orgasmic all-nighter I had some years ago with my clothes on. And her clothes on. Let me assure you that our garments in no way impeded the magnetic exchange of sexual energy.

We were teaching Tantric LoveMaking at the Lifestyles Convention, the annual international gathering of 5000 swingers in Las Vegas. In our hour-long class there was a beautiful blind Tantra masseuse who was very interested in what we were presenting. With the guidance of a friend, she came up afterwards to meet us. She peppered us with questions about how we learned, how we practiced, and how she could get more involved. Obviously she shared our values that conscious consensual Tantric Sex is a high form of sacred communion.

When we invited her to join us for our community’s all-night celebration, she instantly and enthusiastically agreed.

Each year one of our friends rented a suite in the Lifestyles hotel and hosted a party starting at midnight. He only invited a couple dozen people who were responsible, spiritual, and uninhibited. After relating our conversation, he welcomed her. When we called to confirm the invitation and offered to pick her up at her room, she was excited. But she assured us her friend — apparently platonic and not interested in our antics — would deliver her on time.

Though there is always lots of coupling and shifting around at such get-togethers, it’s not a free-for-all orgy. We always start responsibly and ritually. Sure, we’re there to have fun and maximize pleasure, but our foremost aim is to honor the divine in each one we meet. So the opening includes a bit of ceremony, presentation of safe-sex and consensual ground rules, and discussion of desires, concerns, and boundaries.

With the agreement of my other partners and lovers, I made a beeline to seek her out in the small crowd. She knew me instantly and welcomed the chance for us to get more intimate.

We talked, we kissed, and talked some more. The sensations that our interacting bioenergetic fields were creating in each of us were delightful. I knew she was feeling it to because Tantric practice is transparent, open, and conscious.

Well, sure, I wanted to rip her clothes off and jump her. But I’ve learned to sink into the glory of each new moment and savor the journey. She was excited to hear how much I wanted her and how patient I was. So we agreed to go with the flow and let whatever happened happen organically.

Actually, my body was responding so strongly to hers that it was like having physical sex. That’s one of the advantages of energy sex. You avoid the distractions of undressing, condoms, finding a comfortable place for arms and legs.

So what is “energy sex?” Well, if you remember what your body feels like when you’re getting close to orgasm, but you’re not even touching, that’s energy sex.

One way to explain it is by understanding the bioenergetic field that surrounds every human body. I call it the “biofield.” You know that there’s electricity flowing through your nerve channels. And that an electrical current creates a magnetic field. The more you use the three Tantric keys of harnessing sexual energy — breathing, moving, and sounding — the stronger those fields. Of course, the more turned-on you get, the deeper you breathe, the more you shake and undulate, and the louder your moans and screams.

All of this charges your biofield and makes it surge and pulse. It feels to me like electrical streamers spreading throughout my body. Sometimes they’re geysers shooting up from my jewels (genitals). Sometimes they’re more like cascades of goosebumps falling down.

One of the best things you can learn from Tantric practice, once you learn to charge your biofield, is to connect with someone else’s. That starts by opening your awareness to feel those streamers inside your playmate’s body. Then you can open passion circuits between the two of you and exchange sexual energy. When you have two or more such connections, you can create energy circles. Our latest ebook, Long Hot Tantric Love Making, describes how to do all of this in detail.

Now self-pleasuring is great fun and an important way to increase your sensitivity and harness your sexual energy. But the synergy of feeling your lover’s excitement, adding to it, and passing it back and forth is one of the divine’s greatest gifts to humankind.

That’s what we did for hours. Sure, there was some touching and hugging and lots of kissing. From the outside it certainly looked a lot more vanilla than making the beast with two backs. But from the inside it was intense, powerful, and downright cataclysmic.

When I noticed a hint of dawn through the windows and mentioned it, she asked what time it was. It turned out she had an early flight back to Denver. So I called her caretaker and that was that.

I suppose if you ask me now if I was disappointed, I’d probably say a bit. But right then I was vibrating so peacefully and strongly that I gracefully surrendered to whatever happened.

There’s no doubt that this was a perfect prescription for a first date. And since we didn’t exchange any fluids, perfectly safe sex. And since we didn’t arrive at any skin-on-skin sex acts, most would call it foreplay.

But I still remember those continuous orgasmic sensations flooding my body. And as she related, she experienced much the same.

Isn’t that the whole point of sex anyway? To give and receive enormous pleasure?

So I still believe it was a phenomenal main event.

Love, Somraj

Hitting The Right Spot: Triggering a Big O by Targeting A Woman’s Shallow Erogenous Zones (X-Rated)

If you want more orgasmic sex, it helps to hit the right spot. Or more specifically, it helps to excite erogenous zones like the G-Spot. Those are areas of the body particularly sensitive to sexual stimulation. 

Our latest ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making describes how to take full advantage of a woman’s ten outer and nine inner pleasure spots. You can read all about them in our earlier blog post Tantra Newsletter: 19 Women’s Erogenous Zones – Part 1.

Though true, it’s a gross oversimplification to say that the jewels (genitals) are erogenous zones. Sure, playing with a guy’s vajra (penis) will usually turn him on. But if you know how to fondle, stroke, and lick his cock’s five specific erogenous zones, you’ll be even more indispensable to him. I’m referring to the head, crown, frenulum, shaft, and base. Soon I’ll add an article detailing all of these and more.

Yes, there are more. But a savvy male lover also knows how to us those five penile erogenous zones while thrusting inside his female playmate’s yoni (vagina). My January blog post entitled Intersecting Erogenous Zones focused on the deeper orgasmic trigger spots inside a woman. These are three areas at the upper end of the yoni around the cervix. 

But last night we had an amazing encounter with my sweetheart’s shallower ones.

We had just had a talk about the unique characteristics of Eddie’s prick. He was the male partner of a couple we met many years ago at a sacred sexuality workshop and played with one fun night. Eddie’s vajra was rather thin but long and boney. Plus he was very astute about hitting the right spots with it. Especially her cul-de-sac. This is the erogenous zone past the cervix at the deepest point inside the yoni. When he prodded her there, she let out some of the most memorable shrieks. Memorable enough that we both remember the intense experience.

Now my vajra is long enough to reach her cul-de-sac when I’m super hard. But otherwise the head of my cock can be a bit spongy which apparently doesn’t prod that deep crevice in the best possible way. Last night, though, during jewel union (sexual intercourse) my erection excelled at boniness. So I made it a point to slide past her cervix into her cul-de-sac quite often. I knew each time I did because I heard those memorable shrieks.

Of course, that’s not the only sexual stroke I used. Women have taught me that variety always tops monotony. Unless they’re at a pleasure peak and want to go over the top.
But we weren’t there yet. We were having so much fun as I shifted from one kind of thrust to another, from one stroking pattern to another. (There are chapters in Long Hot Tantric Love Making that present the whole story about all those things in illustrated detail.)

Oddly enough, one sort of shallow stroke was evoking a strong reaction, too. A loud and jackknifing one. So I played with it a little more, shifting from deep long strokes to short  jabs around yoni’s mouth.

As I changed angle, depth, speed, and pressure to target different spots, I realized rubbing her outlet was really turning her on.

“Outlet” is the name we use for what’s scientifically named the “urethral meatus.” It’s the opening of the tube that conducts urine out of the body from the bladder. The outlet lies on the top side of yoni’s mouth, usually just a bit inside the vaginal canal.

Because it’s highly sensitive, it’s a shame the outlet doesn’t get more of the attention it deserves. You see, it’s intimately connected with a woman’s G-Spot. Well, actually that’s a misnomer. What colloquially is called the G-Spot isn’t just one fixed spot. It actually refers to a whole series of little glands and ducts in the spongy tissue that surrounds the urethra. As a result, the whole area on the upper wall of the yoni can be aroused, awakened, and engorged producing unique and powerful sexual satisfaction.

But we’re focusing here on another erogenous zone, the outlet. Well, OK, the spongy tissue deemed the G-Spot extends into the outlet itself. So you might say it’s all part and parcel of the same pleasure organ. However you define it, massaging the outlet feels damn good to many women. Some adventuresome sorts even like something small and well-lubed — like a very gentle little finger — inserted a bit. Just be super clean and careful if you want to try this. Mistreatment can cause painful inflammation and damage.

There wasn’t any risk with what I was doing with my cockhead. No, the more I returned there, the more spectacular were her responses. After experimenting I found that her favorite in these moments were one to two inch strokes with crown of vajra’s head pressing firmly just inside yoni’s mouth.

That’s when her breathing changed in that special way that alerts me to her being close.

If you’ve read of my other articles or blog posts, you know that I always choose longies over quickies. It feels so good I just don’t want it to end. But, hey, after 15 minutes I got an offer I couldn’t refuse. “If you make me come, I’ll do you for as long as I can.”

So instead of switching things up, I kept up that short outlet stroke going continuously. She had several pleasure peaks which rose in intensity. Then to speed things up, she added just a little clitoral vibration from her favorite sex toy, the Pocket Rocket.

Wow, the explosion from her Big O was monumental. It was an intense, long, loud, shaking one. Yoni’s sphincter convulsed so strongly that I was hard pressed to keep the identical stroke going without being forcefully expelled. Trust me, she doesn’t like her orgasm interrupted with premature withdrawal.

And the aftershock was mind-blowing, too. We had been making love in the Scissors Position, her on her back and me on my side with my legs under her spread-open ones. When she put her legs together as the contractions subsided, it triggered another climax. Now when we stay connected and relax after an orgasm, it’s natural for the expanding sexual energy to spur one or two mini-orgasmic spasms. But this massive one was off the charts.

It’s an extra special good time when she gets two for the price of one.

But I believe there’s a more important moral to the story. I’m not savvy enough to figure out what to give her each time for maximum satisfaction. It changes so much I just can’t predict what will happen next time. What I do instead is follow her energy. I test, listen, experiment, watch and do more of what makes her crazy.

Well, gotta go. We have another wild time planned.

May you have as much fun as we do.

Love, Somraj

Are You a Sexual Adventurer, Exhibitionist, and Voyeur? To Be Fully Sex-Positive, You Need At Least Some of All Three.

A robust sex life is natural and healthy. Yet few of us learn how to extract all the pleasure we can out of making love with others and with ourselves. We can do better if we fully adopt a sex-positive attitude. Here’s how we define that in our latest ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making

An attitude and mindset of lovers who know that sex is a good thing, that it’s a natural part of life, that it’s healthy, and that they deserve as much pleasure as they can get in any way they choose to get it.

If you’re really sex-positive, you’ll explore and expand three sexual roles: adventurer, exhibitionist, and voyeur.

Now before you freak and think I mean you have to become a promiscuous pervert, take a breath. No, you can do all three in the privacy of your primary relationship. Or with yourself.

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Adventurer

Sexual adventurers are lovers who are willing to try new things, to experiment, and to expand their comfort zones. That might include doing more creative self-pleasuring and enjoying yourself more often. That’s our fancy name for masturbation which, to most people, means getting yourself off. But to us Tantric types it’s more about learning what your body likes, expanding your repertoire, and making it last. We usually choose a hot longie over a primal quickie. Well, not always.

Sex toys are a natural complement that can broaden your inner horizons. For example, I can’t comfortably reach my rosetta (anus) for long. So when I want to add anal pleasure to my self-love, a butt plug or vibrator is a welcome addition.

With a partner, being more adventuresome might include asking for more manual, oral, or anal play. How about getting a Kama Sutra book and trying new positions? Why not try it in every room and on every piece of furniture in your house? We still remember the rug burns from the stairs during one of our awesome tours some time back. Or in the shade of the forest or in the car at night with a panoramic view of the city? Mulholland Drive overlooking Los Angeles was one of my teenage fantasies that I didn’t get to enjoy enough. Anyway the windows steam up pretty quick, right?

Being a sexual adventurer starts with taking an honest look at what you’re getting and what you want more of. If you’re coupled, that means both doing that and then talking about it. No doubt, sexual communication is one of the major challenges in long-term relationships. But if you’re aiming to become a thoroughly sex-positive adventurer, it all starts with honesty, authenticity, and transparency. I know, big words that mean be real and be open.

A great way to start investigating practices that you might like is by reading books about sex. Details about the 10 we’ve written are here. Not to forget the thousands you can find on Amazon.

When you’re ready to go public, taking a sex workshop can be eye-opening. Most respect your boundaries and comfort level so they don’t usually resemble an orgy. Jeffre and I met at one — a class not an orgy — so we’re strong advocates of attending a type of group that strikes your fancy. In fact, we met at a series of six Sex, Love, & Intimacy workshops conducted by the Human Awareness Institute. There aren’t any optional public sexual activities until midway through the levels. But we did make love the second night in our private tent. The rest is history.

We’re active in the Sex Positive Meetup group in our area. We understand there are many others around the country. These are groups of people of all sexual preferences who get together regularly to talk, learn, and practice. We do workshops for them as do other sexologists. They’re very respectful as they help new members explore their turn-ons and discover their true sexual identity.

These are just a smattering of ideas. For sure, there are lots more opportunities a little Googling can uncover in your area.

A primer on becoming more sexually adventuresome wouldn’t be complete without mentioning walking on the wild side with assorted kinks and fetishes. Cross-dressing, dressing up, dressing down begin the list. And then there’s ropes and restraints, leashes and handcuffs. The popularity of 50 Shades Of Grey has certainly raised awareness about BDSM practices (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism). We have a thorough survey of the whole spectrum of vanilla to extreme sexual play in our new ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making.

Since monogamy has been the norm for many generations, sexual adventurers also engage in various forms of open relationships. It might look like swinging, sex parties, or polyamory. The politically-correct term today is CNM, consensual non-monogamy. Though most everyone you’ve ever met has cheated or come close to it, CNM is different. It’s having sex with outside lovers with the knowledge and blessing of your partner. And sometimes all together. Though some lovers actually form families larger than two, our practice is to play with a small circle of intimates once or twice a month. Our current extended family includes two hetero couples and one single woman.

So how far out of your comfort zone have I pushed you so far? If you’re a bit uncomfortable reading this short list of  some of the possible options should convince you that we all live in an inhibited puritanical culture. There are so many satisfying ways to have adult fun that you might get off on but probably aren’t even trying. Are you ready to move out of your comfort zone and and stretch your boundaries?

I’m not trying to persuade you to do things that you have no curiosity and or attraction to. But when something piques your interest, maybe it’s time to test the waters. That’s what sex-positive lovers do. Consciously, carefully, and after extensive communication with partners.

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Exhibitionist

Admittedly, practicing exhibitionism sounds inappropriate, if not illegal in most places. But if you’re on the path of becoming totally sex-positive, shouldn’t you be proud of demonstrating your sexual prowess?

If orgasms are a divine gift as most sexologists acknowledge, who does it serve to keep them private?

Again, I’m not urging that you follow the Beatles advice and do it in the road. In fact, I’m reminded of my first wife’s prejudice again public male masturbators. She grew up in Sweden and enjoyed lots more sexual freedom than I did in the US. Yet she scoffed at the frequent “village idiots” as she called them who would expose themselves as she walked around town. Her response was to look down at their crotches and laugh. That usually put them off their game immediately.

No, we’re talking about sexual pride with a belief system like, “My body is my temple and I’m proud of it. I value the pleasure it brings me and want to share my good feelings with those I love. I welcome them watching me enjoying myself.” Where appropriate and welcomed, it can be highly erotic to parade your pleasure.

I was able to develop my exhibitionist personality by attending nudist clubs and camps. Many years ago a few close friends camped at a clothing-optional community that was hosting Nudestock. That was a recreation of Woodstock with local bands and no clothes. Way fun.

If you need any evidence that showing off your privates is hot, consider the popularity of sexting. Doesn’t receiving a boob pic, pussy pic, or dick pic from your main squeeze turn you on? Or an acquaintance you’ve been lusting for? I’m not endorsing strangers showering you with sexts, but where there’s already a connection, it’s certainly a welcome growth area for foreplay.

I first experienced a thrill from public self-pleasuring during my formative Tantra training at Margot Anand’s Love And Ecstasy Training. One evening all 80 students created their own little nest in our huge classroom. As the lights dimmed and the soft music played, we all started playing with ourselves. We couldn’t really see how our neighbors were enjoying their bodies, but we could sure hear them. Knowing that my classmates were surfing orgasmic peak after orgasmic peak as I was, added to my excitement.

This ritual undoubtedly prepared me to join the Center For Sex And Culture‘s National Masturbation Day event some years later. At a theatre in San Francisco’s Tenderloin District, several hundred of us pranced around naked playing with ourselves. No touching or sexual contact even with our partners was allowed. It was all about honoring self-love. Some even put on a show in front of a live webcam. I wasn’t ready for that then, but I did have my first experience with a sex machine with a small audience.

There other opportunities not limited to the public eye. You can exercise your innate exhibitionism at home through mutual masturbation. For some couples, touching themselves in front of their partner is a stretch all by itself. But if you’re sex-positive, why not? Like stripping and dancing naked, being watched while you touch yourself can be super steamy. When you both do yourselves at the same time, the synergy can be off the charts. Foreplay, sex breaks, afterplay – I can think of lots of times when it’s a wonderful thing. Maybe I need to be harder, maybe she needs to be wetter, or maybe we’re just up for a shift in the energy. Or when one of us is playing hard to get and we want to prove that we can look after ourselves if need be.

Sure, sometimes the surprise of what I’m doing to my playmate is way hot. But, let’s face, my lovers know their bodies better than me. So if they want to touch themselves, I say “go for it.” It’s really hot watching. Besides, I might learn something. I have one lover who swoons whenever I play with myself in front of her. She certainly has trained me to put on a show for her even at those moments when she’s not ready to be penetrated.

A central theme of our new ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making is opening and flooding energy channels with sexual electromagnetism. One prominent technique we call the “Add-On.” That’s when you or your partner plays with another erogenous zone while you’re making love. I particularly love stroking myself while my honey is using my favorite vibrating butt plug inside me.

When you’re ready to experiment with opening your relationship, you’ll need your inner exhibitionist to come out and play. Isn’t that obvious? You’ll be naked and hopefully partaking of the action in front of someone else. Would a stranger or a close friend be more comfortable or hotter?

A relatively easy way to wade in is via soft swapping. That’s when you make love in the same room with another person or couple. Maybe you’ve dreamed of a lusty threesome with that busty or well-hung friend. But are you ready for the other lover — or your partner — watch you go at it?

I remember a threesome with my wife and another beautiful woman at a party that demonstrated this. The other woman laid next to us as we made love, holding each of our hands. She didn’t want to participate at that moment, but we shared our bubble of orgasmic energy with her. She was lapping it up, smiling, moaning right along with us. It really turned us on that we could revel in ecstasy next to her while she was celebrating our passion.

Many progressive sexuality workshops will handle the gradient of exposure delicately. And modern professionals will demand enthusiastic consent without pressure before you get involved at any level. So when you’re ready, learning groups can be an ideal way to dip a naked toe in the water here and there.

Sex parties probably require the most developed exhibitionists. Sure, sometimes swing clubs have private rooms. But the real action tends to happen out in the open on the multiple mattresses next to each other. When you’re ready for that, watching and being watched sure intensifies the sexual energy.

My first experience of that was actually in a Tantra workshop where I served as an assistant instructor. As a demonstration for new students, my wife Jeffre gave me an elaborate two-hour Multiple Orgasm With Ecstasy session surrounded by about 100 students and staff. I had never been that high for so long before, likely due to in being so public. Because I was so energetically open to everyone’s rapt attention, I vibrated with ecstasy for an hour after everywhere else left.

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Voyeur

A person who gains sexual pleasure by watching others is a voyeur. The triangle holds that it’s an essential healthy sexual activity.

So am I pro porn? You bet!

Of course, anything can be abused. But admiring others’ bodies and watching them make love online can sure get your juices flowing. For me, it’s an essential part of self-pleasuring. But again, I’m not doing it to get myself off as fast as possible. I’m using erotic images to amplify the sexual energy flowing through my body. My aim is to make myself feel as excited as I can for as long as I can. It’s so satisfying that I rarely ejaculate.

You benefit from your voyeuristic tendencies when you watch your partner playing with themselves. Many men love to watch their woman with another man. Or another woman. Or one after the other after the other. I can remember many times at parties when my wife or girlfriend were making love with others. To be perfectly frank, I’m not immune to jealousy. But my best memories are being thrilled at how much they were enjoying it. In the polyamory world that’s called “compersion,” where you receive pleasure from the pleasure your beloved is receiving.

You need a healthy dose of compersion when you attend a swing party. Sure, you can just watch though I’ve never been able to stay out of the action for long. I do remember the first time I played with another man at a friend’s swing house. The play areas were set up with railings all around. No doubt the crowd watching me fueled my appetite for the other guy’s body.

Memories — playing sex tapes of past experiences in your head — qualify as voyeurism in my book. The standard line is that guy’s are turned-on more by images while women are impacted more by words and feelings. Maybe that explains why romance novels sell the biggest share of books. I guess reading a steamy story about the perfect hunk or babe you conjure up in your mind qualifies as voyeurism.

Sorry, but I don’t have much more to add about voyeurism right now. I pretty much shot my wad in  the exhibitionist section. So just look back and reverse the roles.

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We first learned about what I now call the sex-positive triangle in the Quodoshka workshops. That’s the name given to the Native American sacred sexuality practices based in Arizona. If you want to expand your three corners of adventurism, exhibitionism, and voyeurism, that would be a powerful option. Or we’d love for you to join us at our Private Tantra Workshops.

Whatever you do, I’d recommend taking baby steps first. Look inside and find out what you’re really seeking. Do some serious reading and talk to people ahead of you on the path. If you’re in relationship, talk openly about what you want and how you want to get it. Then find some venues where you can explore and experiment.

By no means have I covered every possible angle. So I look forward to your comments and questions.

May you find everything you’re looking for in and out of bed.

 

 

Love, Somraj

Pleasure Peaks versus Energy Orgasms: Here’s What Happened Inside Me For A Half-Hour

When a lover expands their sexual play to include more energy sex instead of simply friction sex around the erogenous zones, it’s natural to wonder how two critical tools work together. I’m referring to peaks of pleasure and energy orgasms.

My new ebook Long Hot Tantric Love Making defines a pleasure peak as…

A sudden surge of turn-on in which your excitement rises to a high level and quickly drops back down sharply.

You know, when your passion suddenly spikes nearly overloading your system. It’s the sudden flood in energy that shocks your system even while it feels so amazing. As you learn to manage stronger flows of sexual electricity, it doesn’t have to incapacitate you. I call navigating the peaks and troughs of physical pleasure “peaking.” Peaking means riding the upward wave, sailing over the top without losing it, and relaxing into the vibrating sensations as you float back down. That’s one of the pivotal skills lovers master to make love for hours at higher and higher levels of passion.

The better you get at intentionally peaking, the higher the peaks soar and the longer they last. Eventually they stretch out so it feels like you’re coming continuously. That’s why we call this style of making love “orgasmic sex.”

Before we examine energy orgasm, let’s see what the more classic physiological symptoms are of orgasm. My ebook relates…

Modern sexologists have detailed what happens when you get sexually aroused from jewel (genital) stimulation. Your sensitive zones swell with blood, your muscles tense up, your breathing deepens and accelerates to more than three times normal, your body temperature rises, and your heart rate more than doubles. Many of these phenomena are the result of being flooded with hormones. During orgasm they say, that muscle tension is released at the peak of excitement accompanied by pulsations in your pelvis, notably your pubococcygeus and anal muscles. It’s a charging-discharging cycle.

In the 1960s Masters and Johnson found about twelve involuntary contractions within ten seconds was the norm. Your face, arms, legs, stomach, and butt contract. Your skin suddenly gets flushed as you’re suffused with warmth all over. Suddenly you’re overwhelmed with an intense flood of euphoric sensations. It feels as if time stops and you lose touch with the outside world for a moment. Then your metabolism slowly returns to normal.


With any luck, you’ve noticed your partner growling or crying out, curling their fingers and toes, arching their back, lifting their pelvis, tightening their butt, jackknifing, shaking all over, or grabbing onto you forcefully. Sometimes a man can feel a woman’s heart beating around him and he can feel her muscles spasming and contracting. Now all of this is so satisfying that the quest for orgasm often changes the course of history, at least for us personally.

But if you look deeper underneath most of these physical reactions, you’ll discover that it’s the sexual electricity and erotic magnetism that’s driving the experience. Harnessing and channeling that lifeforce is what “energy orgasm” is all about. My ebook defines it as…

An orgasm resulting from intense streaming of sexual energy throughout the body. It’s more like pulsing electromagnetic waves than physical spasms.

You’ll note that both pleasure peaks and energy orgasms aren’t defined by the explosive release of tension through jewel contractions. That’s the accepted sexological definition of orgasm. In contrast, energy sex has lots more going on for lots longer than a tension-release climax usually accompanied by playtime-ending male ejaculation. My book goes on to explain…

Instead of being localized in your jewels, an energy orgasm feels like geysers of erotic electricity are flooding you, gripping you, and milking you all over. Streaming sexual electromagnetism takes over and shakes you inside and out making you swoon and undulate. Implosive showers of ecstasy fill your body making your entire bioenergetic field pulse like your beating heart. Energy orgasms launch you up to persistent plateaus so high you feel like you’ve been flung into orbit far above the material plane.

I’m relating all this so you’ll understand my experience the last time Jeffre and I made love. We had lots of fun getting each other turned-on, alternating peaks, and then peaking together. When her energy was nearing its limit, she asked for my help to go for a Big O which was glorious.

Like the loving partner she is, after recovering she asked if she could do me. In earlier posts I’ve described how she uses my favorite vibrator on me. My point here is what happened to me inside.

First, I had a series of short, sharp peaks. Next, they started to rise and spread out. Each time I had delightful surge of sensation spreading out from my jewels that made me naturally tense as the excitement rose. Part of the skill of peaking is to relax into the tension instead of fighting it. Each time I did, a shiver spread through me culminating in what the ancient Tantrics call a “kriya,” an involuntary spontaneous twitch, jerk, or jolt of the body in response to the flow of sexual energy. 

Now you might ask “Is that an energy orgasm?” Definitively, I can say yes and no. I mean, compared to the thirty-second to one-minute ones I have, no. But it’s a startling and resounding wave of pleasure, so, yes. In other words, you can call every peak a micro-orgasm. And as they intensify and lengthen, you could deem them mini-orgasms.

So we’re back to my central question, again, “What’s an energy orgasm?” The simple answer is that it’s when many of the physical responses described above hit you all at once and last for a while. Ultimately, Tantric lovers ascend into the O-Zone, the continuous orgasm zone, where they go on and on.

Maybe appreciating what I experienced next will make it clearer. My peaks launched me into a valley of pleasure where my body vibrated in response to spreading spasms of sensation. It wasn’t a steady state of erotic high but rather a shifting kaleidoscope. Sometimes I just floated in a trancey state of ecstasy. Other times detonations like pleasure grenades caused a rising rush of chills, heat flushes, and goosebumps up my body. They were like an inner mushroom cloud settling on my scalp and making it tingle erotically.

At times the vibrator inside me triggered different surges of orgasmic sensations. They were like electrical discharges deep in my pelvis. The expanding shock waves of pleasure rippled out of my gland in all directions. As the rising surges filled my physical and energy body, I would quiver, quake, and shake all over. That’s a perfect snapshot of a full-body orgasm: the orgasmic contractions swept through me first vibrating here, then there, then everywhere.

Compared to the half-hour kaleidoscope, I’d have to say any old few-second peak of pleasure is more like a sneeze than a volcano erupting inside. But who really cares about definitions when you’re having so much fun, right?

Love, Somraj

Privacy Versus Transparency: How Open Should We Be About Our Sex Lives?

Last night I watched the great Oliver Stone movie Snowden. It was about a gifted computer technician who released a mountain of classified documents demonstrating that the US government was spying on its citizens. It was riveting and made me outraged about the illegal corruption of power invading our privacy.

This morning I mentioned it to friend and lover who is near to graduating as a practitioner for the Center for Spiritual Living. She had heard about the scene where he was being recorded making love to his girlfriend via his laptop camera. Now how’s that for an invasion of privacy?

But then she pointed out, “Well, isn’t the need for privacy the opposite of our spiritual quest to become more transparent?”

Well, yeah, duh!

We and many of our friends are on a mission to make conscious sexuality more open, more talked about, and more honored. So I started looking at how I really felt about privacy versus letting others know about — and even watch — our lovemaking. And if you’ve read any of my explicit X-rated posts on this blog, you know I favor sexual transparency.

I’m not going to make a case that supports Big Brother watching everything we do 24/7. That’s much too much a political chunk for your average sexologist to bite off. But after consideration, I do want to make a case for dissolving the barriers of sexual modesty, communication, and prudery, especially with our friends and loved ones.

There is a long-standing tradition of honoring eros, or sexual love, as an integral part of a healthy life. Certainly the ancient Greeks revered Eros, the god of sexual love. The Tantrics, many thousands of years ago in India, viewed sexual energy as simply another expression of spirit, of life force, and a vehicle to enlightenment.

But today we live in a highly puritanical culture. A new social media friend, a licensed psychologist, from the Middle East even pointed out how much more repressed he found sexuality after moving to Los Angeles recently.

Let’s take society’s effect on our privacy down to the personal level. How open are most lovers about what’s going on inside them during sex? How many share their urges, their whims, and their anxieties? How many women especially are willing to ask for what they want, what they’re actually getting, and what they want different?

Modern people are willing to crow about their latest high-tech toys, dresses, diets, hairdo, exercise routine, or health challenges. But what about their sex lives? I realize that it’s rare for even most close friends to share the kinky sex position they stumbled into last night. Or what triggered a cosmic orgasm. Or what her or his lover did with their mouth.

I would suggest that’s symptom of our sex-negative slut-shaming culture.

I and my wife and our closest friends routinely chat and text about our erotic escapades and sexual discoveries with each other. And when we’re together, none of us are shy about saying “I’ve loved that but now let’s try….”

Of course, we’re not your average hung-up guys and gals who hide their fantasies in the closet. We share them, build on each other’s kinky inspirations, and sometimes even play them out.

But would we care that much if some intelligence agency clerk was reviewing the tapes of our last lovemaking? Not if we celebrated our expression of desire with our beloveds as sacrament. Not if we accepted our sexual nature as healthy and inherent. Not if we didn’t have any secrets from our spouse. Not if we were proud of our ability to feel pleasure and thoroughly satisfy each other in bed. Not if we comfortable in our bodies and accepted ourselves fully. Not if we were more affectionate and passionate with each other around our kids.

If you were totally transparent with those closest to you and proud of your sexual nature, would it matter that much if someone were spying on you in bed?

Though we don’t have a rampant exhibitionist fetish, we have been known to make love in front of others at sex parties, coaching clients, and sexuality workshops. We’re not ashamed of reveling in our pleasure in front of others who value lovemaking as a spiritual practice. In fact, we’ve participated in a couple of public self-pleasuring rituals in San Francisco on National Masturbation Day.

But I’m not urging you to do it in public or around those who would judge you as perverted. I’m not advocating sexual harassment or bragging at work. I’m just saying that feeling embarrassed or shameful is a product of our culture’s negative judgements around sex.

If we lived in sex-positive culture like that portrayed in Robert Heinlein’s Stranger In a Strange Land or Starhawk’s The Fifth Sacred Thing, we might find it easy to be more transparent.

If we fully accept ourselves as sexual beings, wouldn’t we care less that others knew what we were doing? If we truly embraced sexual ecstasy as a divine sacrament, wouldn’t we be proud of it?

OK, if you accept any of my musings, all that remains is finding a way to do it appropriately while our culture evolves.

What do you think about all this?

Love, Somraj

Cervical and Other Types of Women’s Orgasms

Matt: Is there a new way to describe cervical orgasms that moves away from David Deida?

Somraj: Thanks for the question, Matt. Could you be more specific? What about David Deida’s description are you asking about?

Matt: He had broken orgasm two three levels: clitoral, vaginal and cervical with cervical being the most deep/profound. I guess I’m asking if there’s better/newer language to describe the deepest level. Maybe a better question is how do you describe the deepest level?

Somraj: Well there’s nothing really definitive about the whole subject. Scientific research is ongoing. Different women describe different kinds of orgasms different, like clitoral being sharp or superficial, and g-spot being deeper and spreading. But I’ve read the opposite as well. There are fewer commentaries on cervical ones but they tend to refer to uterine jostling which creates a deeper and more profound experience. Your question seems to be aimed towards the physical experience. In Tantric Sex we focus on and expand the sensations created by the flow and flood of sexual energy. Those perceptions are even more all over the map, which in my opinion is a good thing. More up to a lover’s preferences and creativity. (If you don’t mind, I’m going to post your question and this answer, any any subsequent dialogue, on my blog at TantraAtTahoe.com/blog.)

Here are some excerpts from my latest ebook, Long Hot Tantric Love Making, on different vaginal orgasms…

Yonigasms (Orgasms in Yoni, or Vagina)

As wonderful as Cliogasms are (a orgasm from the clio or clitoris), climaxes induced inside yoni have their own special qualities. The exact role that the womb and G-Crest (G-Spot) play in Yonigasms is still under scientific study. The Singers and others have written that pure yoni orgasms occur in the uterus as a result of jostling the cervix. Some believe the G-Crest is the physical pathway to yonigasm. Though there hasn’t been any extensive study comparing G-Crest, cervical, A-Spot, and Cul-De-Sac orgasms, we believe the effects are similar. Though research is still underway today, some things are clear.

Many women find that yonigasms last longer than Cliogasms on average. Some report that they commonly last 45 seconds, while others say they can go on for many minutes. We’ve read up to 20 minutes, 30 minutes, and even 40 minutes. Thirty per cent of the women studied claim that they can have a Big O from penetration that targets the G-Crest alone.

Yonigasms tend to be deeper and more emotional than those of the shorter Cliogasm variety. Women say that Yonigasms aren’t rhythmic but create constant waves that spread out from the pulsing cuff. When fully engaged, they more strongly impact the deep pelvic muscles including the big muscles of the uterus.

In contrast, there are women who describe Yonigasms as further down in the body but less intense than Cliogasms. It feels like a pressure slowing building that explodes deep inside, expanding throughout the entire body. One sexologist called this the “leg shaker.”

Cervical Orgasms

Some women find that contact with their cervix is extremely uncomfortable, even painful, especially during certain times of the month. But those who have healed and awakened this sensitive tissue at the bottom of the uterus can experience unique and powerful orgasms. Climaxes triggered in the cervix have been described as connecting a woman with her second heart and her inner self. We’ve heard that they cause women to laugh, cry, erupt in joy, and get catapulted into a pure bliss zone.

Because they produce a lot of heat and a shower of stars, cervical orgasms tend to feel different than sharp peaks of pleasure. And cause metabolic responses stronger than cliogasms. Because they cause kundalini to rise up, they feel more like an expansion into a seemingly endless flow.

We’ve also heard that reverse tenting occurs with cervical orgasms. That’s when deep yoni contracts and yoni’s mouth relaxes as the cervix opens and closes. The release of the thick viscous fluid that accompanies this kind of climax may contribute to the sucking feeling that possibly draws sperm into the womb.

The Taoists believed that there are three gates to orgasm: clio, G-Crest, and cervix. Maybe that’s why they recommended awakening the G-Crest first. How that applies to their other suggestion, the screwing technique, is not clear. They said that making small spirals of the sacrum, shaking the hips, and undulating the spine in wavelike motions made climaxing easier. We find that moving vajra’s (penis’s) head or a dildo side to side across the cervix is effective, too.

Being so uniquely intense, there may well be a little-understood connection between cervical orgasm and giving birth. Some women have shared that this most challenging event of their lives has been one of the most orgasmic. We have a dear friend, a mother of four, who can attest to enjoying intense climaxes while her children were born or when breast feeding. If you’ve ever seen a woman come when being fisted (having her yoni penetrated by an entire hand), you can begin to understand what’s happening.