The Woman’s Role in Helping Her Man Last Longer: Unlimited Sexual Stamina Requires Partnership, Communication, and Teamwork

As a guy who’s had lots of lovers who’ve enjoyed lots of pleasure, I can honestly say I’m not totally in control of a woman’s orgasm.

As I explained in my previous post Fast Sex versus Slow Sex: How I Overcame Premature Ejaculation and Learned to Delay Orgasm So We Could Come Together, I used to believe that if I could just last enough thrusting inside her would it eventually do the trick.

But from the woman’s perspective, orgasm is actually way more complicated than that.

She needs a safe, relaxed environment. She needs a sense of comfort and trust. She needs to understand her own body, her orgasmic triggers, and the pathways that get her all the way there. And once the action starts, she needs to be willing to guide her lover. All that does little good if her partner isn’t willing to be guided and follow her lead.

All that being said, it’s still a challenge for many women to orgasm during jewel union (sexual intercourse). If he can’t last long enough to help her over the big hump, her chances are even slimmer.

But once a guy develops adequate stamina by himself, it’s even more demanding for him when he gets close to her naked body with your legs spread. A bright conscious woman who wants more in bed can do a lot to support — or undermine — her partner’s sexual stamina. That’s why I’ve extracted the following advice from my Longer Lasting LoveMaking ecourse.

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Orgasmic Sex Is a Partnership

Let go of the outmoded romantic notion that the best lover always knows intuitively what to do to make their sweetheart go wild. Sure, we all luck into such synchronicity at times, but to base a continuing love relationship on this myth will backfire.

The good news is that you can consciously co-create fresh, hot, juicy, ecstatic sex whenever you choose if you work – or better, play – together. That requires communication, confidence, and collaboration so you both learn what you want, how to ask for it, what your honey wants, and how to give it.

Since a major cause of premature ejaculation is performance anxiety, get that out of the way by being open, clearing the decks, and honoring each other’s needs instead of pressuring each other.

You know what I mean: he pressures her to come, she pressures him not to.

Separate Not Joint Experience

In our society, sex is a private experience for the most part because it’s such a taboo subject. We hide our insecurities, make rude jokes, and don’t talk about it openly. Too many of us obsess about when to make the first move, how to initiate with a long-time partner, and how to give or get an orgasm. No wonder so many of us build up the anxieties and tensions that can cause premature ejaculation.

We’re not taught that sex is communion between souls expressing their basic nature through the divine gift of bodies. Few of us learn to play these instruments in harmony to produce amazing ecstasy.
Where do we learn that sex is an energy exchange between conscious beings who want to both give and receive pleasure? And thereby get closer to the divine?

When you’re desired and accepted for who you are without big expectations about how you need to perform, then you can relax and let nature take it’s sexual course. That’s partly why the training program in my Ultimate Premature Ejaculation Mastery ebook requires “partnering” between lovers. This means being aware of your needs and reactions, talking honestly about them, honoring those of your partner, and playing together as equals.

Instead of “doing” your partner, you’ll need to do new-age things like feeling, communicating, and sharing together.

Pleasure — Not Orgasm — Is The Aim

Orgasmic sex is a joint dance where each lover surrenders to inner waves of energy and both assist each other to reach higher and higher peaks. Pleasure, not orgasm, is the aim. By soaring together, each partner can reach unheard of peaks and plateaus that culminate in bigger, stronger, deeper, often simultaneous spiritual climaxes.

But pushing for the Big O (orgasm) puts your attention out of the moment and on the wrong thing. Of course, yielding to that familiar urge to squirt can short-circuit the whole deal.

If your lover is pushing for maximum stimulation and rushing headlong towards orgasm as quickly as possible while you’re trying to prolong the event, the two of you will be playing at cross purposes.

To prevent this, both of you need to agree on a different vision of lovemaking. This means accepting that you are each totally responsible for your own pleasure, asking for what you want, giving sensitive feedback, going slowly, and savoring physical and intimate delights together. This is how love partners stretch their communion out for long periods of time.

What Does Partnering Mean?

Different partners have different sexual responses. So who’s responsible for seeing that each partner gets the things that bring them the most pleasure? We each are fully responsible. Partnering means speaking your needs and honoring those of your partner. If we do anything else, we set up the dynamics that produce stress, mystery, and tension – a surefire prescription for the guy blowing his wad unexpectedly.

If you’re single and searching for a partner to satisfy sexually, this whole view of sex as communion may sound even more challenging than finding someone willing to jump in the sack.

Guys, if you expect that you alone will be able to satisfy any woman without their cooperation, you’re laboring under a big delusion. Drop the whole concept that it’s your job alone to satisfy your partner. This is a mutual dance and that’s the way most women love it.

What overall approach do you need to take to negotiate a cooperative partnership for fresh new sexual encounters every time?

  • Enter into loveplay and discussions about it with patience and sensitivity.
  • Adopt the mindset of gratitude for any gifts pleasure you receive.
  • Enlist your lover at every step by letting them choose to play instead of using force or manipulation to get them to cooperate.
  • Continue to provide reassurance of your love and commitment to the relationship.
  • Explain that you want this to be a joint experience of deeper intimacy, giving you both everything you ever dreamed of.

Now doesn’t that sound way different than depending on letting the world-class stud or ultimate hottie make you crazy?

Some Guidelines For Women Who Want Sex To Last Longer

Most of this post comes from a training program in my Longer Lasting LoveMaking ecourse. You read right. The best way to extend your sexual play is by practicing. Here are some guidelines that, hopefully, will help you support your lover on your joint quest for unlimited sexual stamina.

Talk before, during, and after.

First, you’ve got to talk about what you bring to the party and what’s happening for each of you. Communication only works when you’re each willing to hear what’s going on for your partner. Be sure to explain your concerns, worries, and anything else that comes up for you so you can be real and really present. Then, stay in touch while making love and exchange feedback to stay in sync.

Ladies, maybe you’re thinking that you should be asking HIM to communicate more. I know, I know, most women are more willing and able to talk more than men. But we need to support him in opening up, not pressure him to become totally transparent. That never helps him stay in the game longer.

Drop Expectations

I’ve studied lots of communication skills in my forty years of training experience and they’ve all helped. But frankly, the most important thing you can do is drop all your goals, agendas, and expectations. I know this is easier said than done, but do your best.

What does that mean in practice? Don’t enter into a sexual situation desperately needing a big explosive orgasm within 15 minutes. Why? Well, because, if you do, you’ll be polarizing your team relationship, not to mention putting pressure on a process that doesn’t respond well to pressure, namely a man’s sensitivity to coming before you want him to when he’s under pressure.

Now, I’m totally in favor of you having lots of orgasms. So enlist his help before penetration or get yourself off before practicing. Then you can relax and support this longer sex program with less pressure.

And while we’re on the subject, that kind of pressure also is one of the primary ways women block their own orgasms.

Establish Signals

One fundamental thing that will help your practice sessions is to establish signals so you know how close he is to coming. Words like “whoa!” or gestures like gripping your shoulders are two examples.

In my ebook Ultimate Premature Ejaculation Mastery and my Solo Premature Ejaculation Mastery Ecourse I’ve included exercises that show a guy how to measure his arousal from 0, the sleeping puppy, to 10, the roaring dragon who spouts fire, or at least semen. Having him report by number is a workable signal if he’s learned how to do this.

Your learning curve will depend on how well he clues you in when he’s climbing rapidly or approaching 9.9, that infamous point of no return past which there’s no pulling back from the edge of the cliff. But your learning curve also depends on how well you watch, listen, and sense when he’s getting super turned on and when that’s too much.

Track and Follow His Rhythm

Ladies, while the two of you are learning and whenever you need it, use your innate feminine supportive nature and nurturing qualities to follow his rhythm. In other words, develop your sensitivity by employing the natural tracking skills that my lesbian friends tell me are an essential part of every woman’s make-up and their lovemaking. Then you’ll know when he’s getting close to ejaculating because you’re tuned into his level of excitement.

This means sensing those moments when he’s extra sensitive and relaxing into the flow, as well as knowing when he needs more friction to stay hard inside your yoni (vagina). Specifically, you’ll notice when he stops moving and act accordingly.

Stopping and starting are basic skills you’ll both be using to prolong sex. So instead of going for it now you’ll slow or stop thrusting to invest in lots more later.

It’s clear that this is possible because my wife of twenty years is a total expert at monitoring my arousal. When I change my rhythm or shift my position, she often asks if I got too close. If I haven’t mentioned it already. For me it’s extremely comforting to know that it’s not all up to me, that we’re in this together.

Women, I realize I’m asking you not to push for your own orgasm when he’s not ready to help you go for it. Didn’t I already mention that the goal of orgasm creates the kind of pressure that makes many men come too soon (and prevents many women from having one)?

I hope this doesn’t sound like you’re going to have to sacrifice a lot for a long time because that’s not the aim here. It’s more like investing a little money regularly for a big payoff later.

Besides, always ending in a Big O is more a guy thing, isn’t it? Many women appreciate that there is a way to enjoy fully fulfilling sex together without a big explosion.

Play Like Kids

You can both get there by learning how to have a good time with all of this like kids do. Enjoying orgasmic sex partly means dropping the equation that sex means having a big orgasm quickly and every time. Instead, switch your focus to pleasure and play with the energy that you’ll generate together.

Try basic philosophy is to simply bask in the delicious sensations and let orgasm come to you when it’s ready. Savor the subtle sensations and develop your own appetite for subtler turn-on and those feelings will grow.

Yes, wait until a cosmic climax overtakes you without pursuing it.

The more you enjoy playing without any big expectation of success or failure, the faster your progress towards unlimited sexual stamina, multiple orgasms, and cosmic ecstasy.

This is how kids play. Not the sex or orgasm part, but the fooling around without any plan or fear of failure. Just have a good time with whatever you’re doing without much of an agenda.

For example, let’s say he’s having trouble avoiding shooting up to 9.9 when you’re giving him a hand job. You stroke him and he comes. You try later and he comes again. You do it five times and he keeps blowing his wad. An uptight adult might be frustrated, but a kid is all goo-goo eyed about all the fun.

Better if you think “Look what I keep doing to him. Ooo, all that delicious semen squirting all over the place. Aren’t I a powerful sexy lover, wow!” You see, it’s the childlike innocence of extracting fun from whatever happens. If you’re patient and don’t take these inevitable setbacks too seriously, so will he.

And, trust me, he’ll get it eventually if you just have fun playing around.

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I’ve had lovers who kept urging me “faster, faster!” and “harder, harder!” Unfortunately I couldn’t give them what they wanted in each moment. But I could have gone at it faster and harder for long periods if we’d been on the same page from the start. They just needed to know what you’ve read above.

Now you know the program for making it last as long as you both want. I sure hope you have lots of fun.

Love, Somraj

Fast Sex versus Slow Sex: How I Overcame Premature Ejaculation and Learned to Delay Orgasm So We Could Come Together

“When it comes to love I want a slow hand.” — The Pointer Sisters

I know it’s true that sometimes women really love hard fast pounding. But pushing for it too soon never worked for me. And I’ve heard the same from lots of others.

Even those go-for-it girls enjoy a little teasing that lets their excitement build. There’s a lot to recommend a long slow dance before racing to the finish.

When I was younger I didn’t understand the divine interplay of water and fire, of slow-to-awaken female lovers and what-are-we-waiting-for male ones. I couldn’t even imagine managing my hyper-sensitivity and finding my way up to a pleasure plateau where I could last as long as my female partner needed in order to orgasm.

Yes, Timing Is Everything

Sure, at 70 my sexual responses are slower than when I was a young buck. Then I would come within 2 to 5 minutes after penetration. Even though it was the worst thing for my sexual stamina, I would pump as fast as possible. I was laboring under the mistaken impression that jackhammering was how women come.

Now it does take me longer to reach the edge of the cliff, something like 10 to 15 minutes. Typically that’s not enough for my partners most of the time.

Still I find myself at the same precipice teetering on the edge of coming. Even with everything I’ve mastered, I can slip over in a headlong rush if I don’t pay attention. But fortunately I’ve learned how to extend my sexual longevity enough to enjoy fast sex at times.

Before my Tantra training, I didn’t understand much of anything about women, their bodies, minds, and souls, and their pathways to orgasm. Now I realize that the average man takes around 5 to 10 minutes to climax during intercourse while the average woman takes 20 to 40. If she’s lucky.

So after I learned when to slow down hand ow to extend, I actually gave my female partners more of a chance to explode in a blaze of glory. Once I developed the ability to pace myself past those first couple peaks of pleasure, I found myself in a less sensitive place. Then I could give her some short bouts of fast stroking. That allowed me to play in a hotter pleasure plateau and last longer.

How I Learned Sexual Stamina

How do I do that? Well, it starts with relaxation. That may sound contradictory, relaxing when you’re going at it. Sure, slowing down makes the action less arousing. But the kind of relaxation that I’m talking about, the kind of calmness that works for me, is inside.

When I’m not in the internal grip of sexual tension, I can relax even when the old in-out-in-out is fast.

I first had to drop the pressure to make her come. Orgasm is so much more complicated from a woman’s perspective. Maybe it’s the male ego that drives the false belief that if I hit her hard enough, I’ll succeed at making her come. I had to disabuse myself of that myth before I made any progress.

Then I had to learn how to follow a path that doesn’t push me over the edge too soon. When I have to continuously fight the urge to squirt, I can’t relax.

And most importantly, relaxing means relaxing the muscular sheath around my prostate gland that triggers ejaculation. That was a major learning curve for me that I documented in my first Tantric ebook, Ultimate Premature Ejaculation Mastery.

You see, it takes repeated practice to make that otherwise involuntary muscle chill.

Just Do It, Right?

Of course, this simple solution isn’t easy to master for most guys. Gosh, all that sexual electricity is pummeling you from the inside and my advice is to simply relax? Good luck without a program to retain your mind and body (like my ebook spells out).

The strategy I recommend is to learn to shift the sexual energy away from your jewels (genitals) where it’s generated mostly strongly. Managing that lifeforce that turns us on is central to the practices of Tantric Sex.

If you’re unfamiliar with Tantra, let’s just say it’s the ancient art of spiritual sexuality that originated in India thousands of years ago. Through easy exercises like breathing, yoga, and meditation, it helps you get more in touch with your mind, body, and soul. Then you can sense, amplify, and direct sexual energy.

So if you learn to relax inside and spread the excitement out of your jewels, you can extend your sexual stamina dramatically.

It Takes Two to Tango in Bed

After twenty years of practicing Tantric sexual stamina, I can honestly say that it is easy most of the time. I just tell the most aroused parts of my body to relax and they do. I imagine a channel opening up inside and it does. I intend to siphon some sexual energy out of my crotch and it flows up that channel.

This is no sacrifice when it makes me feel like I’m coming all over without squirting.

I have made this work with multiple lovers since I converted to the sexual style of pacing myself. But I can’t honestly promise that it will work with every woman. There are those who’ve wanted me to pump them frantically longer than I can stand.

So let’s leave it at this. It takes two to Tango in bed.

Fortunately, my partners have learned to sense my ups and downs and go with the flow. We’ve both discovered that slowing or shifting for a moment pays off in the long run.

Maybe my next post should be about the woman’s role in helping her man last longer.

 

P.S. Just did that next post The Woman’s Role in Helping Her Man Last Longer: Unlimited Sexual Stamina Requires Partnership, Communication, and Teamwork.

 

Love, Somraj

Tantric Masturbation: What Happens Outside Looks Much The Same, But What Happens Inside Is Way Different (X-Rated)


Sexologists like me — and lots of normal people — believe that masturbation is good. It feels good, it’s good for your body and mind, and it’s the ultimate in safe sex. And when you’re climbing the walls, it’s a great way to relax. Plus it’s always close at hand.

If you’re in a relationship, it can be very educational when you use masturbation to improve your sex life. Doing yourself is a great way to learn what you need and shows you what you need to teach your partner.

Orgasms are a use-it-or-lose-it kind of ability for those who don’t come so easily.

If you haven’t tried doing it in front of each other, you have a fun experience ahead. One study showed that 85% of people masturbate while in relationship. So I suggest that a major part of embracing a fully sex-positive attitude is accepting that masturbation is a healthy and natural part of life.

Besides, those of us who enjoy getting themselves off aren’t likely to stop anytime soon. It seems to me better if we learn to make peace with it.

I’ve Enjoyed It Many Ways

As a youngster — and by that I mean from my teenage years until 50 — I did it a lot. More than daily at first and several times a week as I aged. And a lot of ways and in lots of places. Outside in nature was my favorite. And still is on my top-five list.

Being a young male without any sex education, my aim was release. You know, to relieve the pressure of lust preying on my otherwise brilliant, objective, and superior mind. For a while at least I was more able to treat people I found attractive with some degree of appropriate respect and maturity.

Oh, and so I didn’t get blue balls.

Yeah, I’ve always had a real strong sex drive. It was like a river during spring flood carrying me with it. And because I didn’t know any other way of coping, sometimes it was like an irresistible tsunami.

Sure, I felt a little embarrassed and guilty about my habit. But I didn’t think I had a problem or was particularly perverted. I just had this urge and found a private way to deal with it.

Then I found Tantra. If you’re unfamiliar with this ancient spiritual philosophy, just think of it as a way to accept yourself — your soul, mind, body, and sexuality — fully. Basically, Tantra is a bunch of practices beginning with meditation and breathing designed to help you harness your lifeforce energy. And, of course, when you’re horny there’s lots of energy alive within you that’s jerking you around looking for an outlet.

Transmute Your Sexual Desires?

You might expect a guru (not me) to advocate that you use spiritual practices to transmute your sexual desires into higher consciousness. Yogis have done it for millennia. Well, that’s a wonderful prescription if it works for you.

But all too often putting advice like this into action results in suppressing your innate erotic energy flows. Not good! Trying to dam the powerful current of libido usually fails. And with nowhere to go, the unreleased energy does cause perversions: unwanted sexual advances, damaging abuse, and traumatic violence.

This is not what the creator had in mind when endowing us with our natural sex drives. I firmly believe if even the weirdos amongst us had healthier sex lives the world would be much safer for women and children.

Now, even at 70, I make love a lot. With more longies than quickies. With more enduring pleasure than rushing headlong to ejaculation. With my Tantric training, I’ve learned to let the sexual tidal wave carry me to higher planes of satisfaction typically without a wet orgasm.

I guess I could say that I’ve made peace with my robust erotic current. I let it infuse me with vitality, joy, and creativity. It makes my life richer and more fun than when I was trying to repress my naturally sexy state.

Self-Pleasuring With The Emphasis On “Pleasure”

These days when I have sexual urges, desires, and fantasies, I self-pleasure. OK, from the outside that looks just like masturbation. But from the inside it’s different.

Tantric self-pleasuring doesn’t rush me headlong towards getting myself off and relieving the pressure as quickly as possible. Instead, it’s about giving myself pleasure. Long-lasting, more intense pleasure than I ever got from a quick squirt.

Some call it self-love. That’s a popular concept in new-age spiritual thought. Certainly, making myself feel good by playing with my body demonstrates that I love myself. But even more, it’s about being fully alive. Regulating, condemning, and going to war against my sexual nature always made me feel worse.

Today I use the easily recharged reservoir of sexual energy to keep myself young, fit, and happy.

Tantric masturbation — or self-pleasuring as I prefer to call it — is all about the energy flowing through my body. Since it’s mostly focused on my genitals, my practice raises, expands, and spreads the life-giving sensations everywhere.

In Tantra we call this “running energy.” It’s the conscious skill of infusing every cell, tissue, and system with the excitement that’s usually confined to the sex organs. Running energy makes me shiver, shudder, and shake. It feels like every cell is coming.

If you can recapture the sensory memories of how an orgasm feels, imagine those sensations lasting for minutes at a time all over. That’s my motivation for Tantric self-pleasuring.

So instead of trying to make myself ejaculate and relieve the pressure, I turn myself on and spread the excitement as long as I can. Sometimes that’s for hours, but at my age if I’m tired or achey my self-love sessions get somewhat limited.

How I Do It

There’s no Tantric magic in my personal hand-jobs. But there is in what’s going on inside.

Usually I watch my favorite brand of porn. Interestingly enough, the preferred visual fantasy seems to be a very personal choice amongst my best friends and lovers. Yes, we share even what many would consider theses most intimate privacies.

One boyfriend prefers videos of complete sex scenes. Another specializes in pictures and movies of coming. Another only gets super titillated from erotic stories.

Go figure, huh? Different strokes for different folks. Literally!

And in a different way, erotic images serve my female lovers, too. When really aroused and wanting to climax, immersing themselves mentally in one of their favorite fantasies often does the trick. That’s probably why there’s such a groundswell of interest in kinky role-playing these days, largely the result of the popularity of the 50 Shades Of Grey books and movies.

My preference is pictures or short animated clips of penetrative sex. Yes, the sexy bodies and glorious private parts entice me. But his erect tool entering her jade garden (that’s the ancient Chinese euphemism for the pussy) is my favorite.

You might ask how we all gravitate towards our favorite images. For me, it’s simple. How does it make me feel? Sometimes one configuration of a couple’s bodies does nothing for me while another one that’s not much different floats my cork big time.

That means it shoots streamers of sexual electricity inside and fills me with that delightful erotic magnetism. So to decide what I want to look at while I’m stroking myself, all I need to do recognize is how much energy is flowing inside me.

How Real Is It?

Recently I’ve noticed that some images actually make me feel like I’m penetrating that lover on my computer screen.

In other words, the experience of watching porn while self-pleasuring simulates the sensations of actual sex. It doesn’t seem to be as intense or last as long, so I’m not advocating doing away with making love with a real-life orgasmic partner.

But when I can realistically imagine what making love with that pornstar actually feels like, I thoroughly enjoy myself. Does my this fantasy world in my head make me lust after them? Well, yes, of course. But I view it as a consensual fantasy. They wouldn’t broadcast pictures of their bodies if they didn’t expect them to be used this way.

So what is Tantric masturbation all about, then? My aim is to make myself feel the supreme bliss that is everyone’s inherent birthright.

Hopefully this explains why Tantric self-pleasuring is a vital part of my spiritual practice. If I wasn’t proud of what I’ve developed, would I be sharing this so openly with you?

May you openly make peace with your own masturbation style and find a healthy way to infuse your life with such ecstasy.

Love, Somraj

Physical Versus Energetic Sexual Peaks: How to Use Them to Trigger Different Kinds of Orgasms (X-Rated)

We had a great 12 hour sex party with a favorite girlfriend and a favorite boyfriend yesterday. We’re so close and trusting and intimate that the ecstasy and the laughter was life-altering.

And I learned even more about what happens with sexual energy during peaking. That’s the sudden ascent followed by the sudden descent of your turn-on. I’ve been studying pleasure peaks lately and just wrote what I thought was the definitive guide here. But we all had so many of them that I couldn’t help seeing deeper into what happens.

Even all being so turned on, we started out without many sharp, jarring peaks. I’m not just talking about first penetration. In our latest ebook Long Hot Tantric LoveMaking we devote a whole chapter to initial entry because it’s so critical to create an energetic connection before the action heats up. Yes, I’m referring to when his vajra (penis) first enters her yoni (vagina).

Sometimes the first strokes create off-the-charts sexual electricity. But yesterday we weren’t in any hurry and found the first few minutes enjoyable but not explosive. When you’re Tantrically-trained as we all are, we can devote a long time to savoring the delicious sensations without rushing.

Then the first pleasure spike hit me. Because I was so relaxed, I could see the sexual energy blossoming in vajra’s head as my excitement rose. After a few up-down cycles driven by many in-out cycles, I noticed the blossoming energy created a current. I could call it a flow of sexual electricity or use many other poetic images. But simply I could feel this hot buzzing sensation pulsing the end of my love tool. That was way real, not just some artistic reference or scientific factoid.

As our lovemaking continued, the sexual charge intensified. What I was feeling was more heat spreading down my shaft and into my G-Spot (prostate gland). When more energy infused my prostate, the tops of the peaks felt like bursts of fire in this orgasm-central gland. Undoubtedly it’s these intense G-Spot bursts that make many men come before they want to.

It occurred to me that some pleasure peaks are more physical in nature while others are more energetic. Of course, it’s sexual energy that creates all the great feelings of any kind of sex anywhere around the body. But what I’ve just described is what happens when you stimulate physical erogenous zones. In other words, hit the physical trigger and for sure you’ll generate sexual energy.

I wondered if some sexual peaks are triggered by energy first. I was sure this had happened to me a lot when I wasn’t paying much attention to these erotic physics. Sex can be way distracting, right? So I decided to play with the dense charge that the sexual strokes was creating. That was partly because the excitement in my vajra at the top of the peaks was getting too close to comfort. I needed to do something to prevent myself from ejaculating prematurely.

What I chose to do was spread the excitement up the central channel from my crotch to my heart. To do that I consciously used the 5 cruxes of ecstasy (breath, sound, movement, presence, and visualization) described in that previous blog post. (It’s entitled The 5 S’s of Peaking: Mastering the Ups and Downs of Your Sexual Energy.) At the next peak I felt a flare of sexual energy shoot up my body. After a couple more energy flares, my whole body started to tingle and vibrate like my cockhead alone did moments before.

These were peaks triggered by me intentionally moving energy, not just from sexual friction around my most sensitive pleasure spots.

By the way, spreading energy upwards like this is the secret to having full-body orgasms. Even though it wasn’t a full-blown climax this time, that’s what it felt like to my body. Have you ever found that what you were sharing felt so good that you never wanted it to stop? Sure you have. Well, that’s where I was.

After what seemed like nearly forever I noticed my sweetie making those sharp breaths and jerky movements that signals she’s close. I don’t know if this is your experience, but it’s much easier to get her close to coming than push her over the edge. So I thought I’d see if the high-voltage sexual charge in my vajra would help.

I visualized that the dense energy in vajra’s head started sending off sparks and bursts and flares into her yoni. Her reaction was instantaneous. One of the truly wonderful things about my beloved is that she wears her arousal on her sleeve. Sorry, bad idiom, as we were both naked. What I mean is that she makes how she’s feeling crystal clear. So there was no doubt in my mind that she was jolted by the streams of energy I was shooting into her yoni.

Sometimes we can hover on the edge of a Big O for many minutes. You know, approaching the brink and them inexplicably backing off. But not this time. I think all it took was two deep strokes of my vajra while it streamed sexual electricity. Suddenly she started to come. So I followed one of the 17 Orgasm Principles laid out in our new ebook. Namely, I didn’t change a thing. I maintained the same stroke speed, depth, angle, and pressure. And I kept directing energy bursts inside her.

Would you agree that my experiment was successful? I used sexual energy to trigger a resounding pleasure peak powerful enough to call it an explosive orgasm.

I’m really looking forward to more experiments soon. Once we both recover from yesterday’s marathon.

Love, Somraj

The 5 S’s of Peaking: Mastering the Ups and Downs of Your Sexual Energy

I still remember the homework that our Tantra instructor assigned us years ago. Pleasure yourself to a peak but back off without coming. Do it at least three times.

Back then this oversexed guy had no concept about delaying orgasm and extending lovemaking. But this three-peaks exercise completely changed my life. To be more specific, my sex life.

A sexual peak is when your excitement spikes before it drops suddenly. It’s when your turn-on suddenly shoots upward and bounces you off the bed. Sometimes it feels like you’re momentarily levitating before the eruption calms.

A peak is like a mini-orgasm that may lead to a Big O.

Obviously these are wonderful gifts we are all grateful for. Except when they make the guy come too soon. Or when a series of them drains the woman’s vital essence making it harder for her to come.

Lovers like us who specialize in orgasmic sex — having all the intense feelings as if we were coming the whole time — apply the skill of peaking every time we make love. That’s the conscious ability to manage the rising and falling of arousal.

Mastering Peaking

When you master the skill of peaking, you can float on the precipice where the pleasure is most intense. I call it dancing on the verge which you can do for minutes or more at a time. You might have heard of “edging,” that’s backing off when you get to close to coming. Both edging and dancing on the verge are two of the many peaking techniques which are vital tools of orgasmic sex.

Now you might ask what’s wrong with letting it all hang out and going for it. Well, nothing if you’re both so hot that all you crave is the explosive release of a quickie.

But all too often quickies drop you into the orgasm gap. That’s the well-documented phenomenon of him climaxing much more quickly than her. Further, it may cut your hard-to-come-by playtime short.

Once, after a weeklong business trip, we made a nest in front of the fireplace so we could enjoy hours of orgasmic sex. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), we were both so horny that we couldn’t last more than a few minutes. So we came together in an earth-shattering blaze of glory. The funniest part was our golden retriever putting his snout between our faces and howling right along with us. To be sure, an awesome moment. But we were hard pressed to get as turned-on for the next few hours.

To if you want to overcome premature ejaculation, build more excitement for bigger or easier orgasms, or make it last longer, you may want to get good at peaking.

Anatomy Of A Sexual Peak

To learn peaking, it helps to understand what’s happening with your sexual energy. Sexual energy is the electromagnetic life force in your body responsible for attraction, sexual desire, libido, sex drive, turn-on, and orgasm. Lovers normally feel it as nervous stimulation, physical excitation, and spreading sensations.

So obviously building enough sexual energy is what causes a peak of pleasure.

Every sexual stroke — be it by hand, mouth, toy, or jewel (genital) penetration — creates a flow of passion current just like the output from an electrical generator. Some strokes may trigger energy blossoms that shoot streamers throughout your body. Some feel like fireworks exploding inside. Others feel like the hot cascades of an erotic waterfall.

If all the sexual energy you generate stays in your most erogenous zones around your crotch, the sensation is way intense. Too much concentrated energy is what makes men come uncontrollably before they’re ready. And by confining the fire around the jewels, it typically doesn’t lead to full-body orgasms.

This may not sound like much of a problem for you if you’re a multi-orgasmic woman, assuming your partner can keep up with you. It’s just that putting all your attention on orgasm can distract you from enjoying the journey. You know, taking time to smell the roses.

And when smelling the roses feels like the most powerful erotic explosion you’ve ever had, you don’t want it to end too soon.

Fill Your Pleasure Balloon

For perpetual orgasmic sex, lovers need to manage the energy build-up before and the release after the peak. And instead of wasting the passion, channel it to fill the whole body.

I use the analogy of the pleasure balloon to help understand how peaking works. Your pleasure balloon is an imaginary energy bubble inside your body that limits and regulates your capacity to feel. At rest, the pleasure balloon is collapsed around your jewels. As you get excited and sexual energy fills your container, it expands spreading the yummy sensations. If you fill it rapidly, it can pop, wasting all that life-giving passion before you’re ready to break.

But if you change your focus to pumping sexual energy into your pleasure balloon, sex becomes more erotic, more intense, and longer lasting. You shift from pushing for or avoiding the Big O to enjoying the trancey feeling of lightness and the percolating sensations of pleasure all over.

It’s your pleasure balloon — the energy bubble filling your whole body — that makes you feel like you’re levitating.

When you’re enjoying orgasmic sex, you maintain the feeling that the tidal wave of sexual energy causes just before a huge climax. You float on the edge of the cliff without sliding over.

Are you getting just a little bit interested in using those electric sexual strokes to hover at sexual peaks while you fill your pleasure balloon instead of keeping your accelerator floored?

How To Peak

I’m a guy with a college-trained brain that needs formulas to remember things. So I use the 5 S’s to describe peaking. These were first described in my ebook Ultimate Premature Ejaculation Mastery which later came out in print as Male Multiple Orgasm. The 5 S’s are…

  • Stop
  • Slow
  • Switch
  • Sound
  • Spread.

If you feel like you’re about to be catapulted uncontrollably over the precipice, you don’t need a college degree to figure out you should stop moving. If it’s the friction on your jewels that is pumping that sexual electricity into your pleasure balloon, turn off the generator for a moment. Duh!

Of course, when those urges are driving you, that’s sometimes easier said than done. But managing peaks usually starts by learning to how stop moving altogether. If you’re with a partner, this may not be the most popular technique but it is fundamental step on the peaking learning curve.

When you do stop in the middle of the action, you’ll take a break in funneling sexual energy into your pleasure balloon. This should make your sensations subside. I find if I take a couple deep breaths and relax as much as possible, I can reset for another ascent pretty quickly.

Sometimes the dip in excitement isn’t instantaneous. Your arousal might keep rising for a bit as you get still. That’s why a major part of each lover’s learning curve has to do with timing. But stopping is reliable at slowing the sharp ascent. And you may find the crest rounding a bit as your excitement settles down.

Slowing And Switching

When you have success with stopping, it shouldn’t be a great leap to softening your peaks by slowing. Again, this should be pretty straightforward. If you’re stroking in and out once every 2 seconds, try one every 3, 4, or 5 seconds. It’s not that different than stopping for a count of two before your next stroke.

If stopping and slowing are elementary school techniques, when you’re ready to master switching you’ve graduated to high school. Switching simply means changing what you’re doing. Change the depth, angle, or pressure of your strokes. Shift sexual positions so the friction is less or creates different sensations.

One advanced way of switching is to adjust the pattern of your strokes. For example, if you’re making two deep pumps followed by one shallow, change to one deep and two shallow. That assumes shallower strokes are less arousing at that moment. If the reverse is true for you, well, reverse them.

As you learn switching, you’ll probably find some stroking adjustments will feel more exciting and might push you over the edge. All in the learning curve, baby. But gradually you’ll discover ways to adjust your lovemaking to ease your peaking without stopping or slowing.

Even Higher Sexual Education

The last two of the 5 S’s, sounding and spreading, are definitely the arena of higher sexual education. That’s because they deal with regulating the generation and flow of sexual energy directly. While most women tend to grasp this ability more readily than most men, it’s a major shift for most lovers.

Sounding simply means to make love sounds. Frankly, that can include any kind of noise. You know, sighs, moans, groans, shrieks, and screams. Personally, I find that I can use my voice to release a sudden surge of energy as I’m rising to a peak. Growling seems to be most effective for me.

Again, most women are better at this than macho guys trained in the stoic school of acting. Might there be a connection in the fact that these women seem more passionate than their men of few words?

The last S, spreading, is the province of sexual energy Ph.D. candidates. By the way, this last S doesn’t mean spreading your legs. Spreading is all about moving the energy out of your jewels or wherever it’s concentrated at the moment. It means consciously funneling it into your pleasure balloon so it expands to fill your whole body.

The Five Cruxes of Ecstasy


Masters of orgasmic sex develop the capacity to manage their sexual energy. In our latest ebook,
Long Hot Tantric Love Making, we present the five tools for doing this: breath, sound, movement, visualization, and presence. We call them the Cruxes of Ecstasy. The first three S’s were all about movement, and we just explained how sounding functions to release too-intense energy bursts.

Another movement that’s very effective in moving sexual energy is the PC pump. PC stands for the pubococcygeal muscles that support the pelvic floor. You might have heard them called “Kegels” after the obstetrician who developed exercises for women after childbirth. When your PC muscles are strong and toned, squeezing them pumps energy up out of your jewels and into your pleasure balloon. Very effective for guys, too.

Using the breath is one of the most powerful tools descended from Eastern yogis and Tantric adepts. To slow the rise towards the peak, breathe deeper and slower in the belly. To let the energy shoot upwards, breathe faster. You may find the same thing happens when you hold your breath.

As your awareness and sensitivity of sexual energy increases, you’ll be able to make it expand, contract, and move simply by visualizing it. After twenty years of practice, I often find I can boost one of my ebbs or calm one of my hyper moments through intention alone.

If this sounds challenging, you’ll understand why I call it graduate level education. But it’s not that difficult if you have a seasoned teacher. In ancient times disciples had to apprentice to a master for years and years to receive these secrets. Back then, one-on-one worked best to provide the discipline and personalized coaching necessary to refine these skills.

But without the last cruz of ecstasy, presence, the journey to orgasmic energy mastery will be overly long and less likely of success. Presence means being present here and now. Being conscious, being aware, being mindful.

Our presence curriculum starts with relaxation, continues with improving sensitivity, and in the end becomes surrender. Not in the sense of giving up the fight but in the sense of letting things go and letting whatever is going to happen happen.

You can’t control sexual energy with an iron fist. You have to guide it subtly and let it do it’s thing. That’s one of the main reasons orgasmic sex only succeeds when you have no goal of orgasm and no rote agenda to get there.

Mastering Your Sexual Peaks

Learn to spread sexual energy and you will easily become the master of your peaks.

At first, you’ll find the ups and downs steep and the crest quite sharp with a few-second break between. I call those masculine peaks. But as you develop the skills of the five S’s, you’ll learn to rise and fall more slowly. You’ll be able to boost the summit’s height when you choose and lower it when you need to.

Eventually you’ll find your arousal won’t dip down as far. You’ll find your sharp peaks becoming more rounded and morphing into extended plateaus. These are more feminine peaks.

Maybe the most sought-after benefit of peaking is having an energy orgasm. That’s where you have all the physical sensations of orgasm without releasing much sexual energy. Or semen for guys. In an energy orgasm you might find yourself jackknifing, crying out, and vibrating all over. It feels like every cell is coming. When this happens in an extended plateau, I call it the orgasm zone or O-Zone for short.

I’ve blogged about all of this a lot. If you want to go deeper, check out these two earlier posts…

Or for the full training program to become a sexual energy aficionado, download a copy of our latest ebook, Long Hot Tantric Love Making.

If this raises any questions, please comment below and I’ll answer them right away.

Until next time.

Love, Somraj

SexPositive Reno Workshop: Tantric Female Orgasm Mastery

You’re invited to join us for our presentation and discussion about Tantric Female Orgasm Mastery at the SexPositive Reno Meetup April 28, 2007 from 6:30 PM to 9:00 PM. The description follows.

If you are local or plan to be in the Tahoe area enjoying the skiing, nightlife, or gambling, we’ll make arrangements for you to join this private group. Contact me here if you’re interested.

Have you ever experienced the Orgasm Gap? That’s the well-documented fact that most men come more quickly and more often than most women. Tantra, being an ancient approach to spiritual sex and harnessing the power of sexual energy, can help you change that.

During this interactive workshop we will present facts about the problem and workable solutions. We’ll ask you to join in various discussions about your experience with women’s orgasms, whether you’re a woman or a man, same or other sex focused (though we understand gay men might be less interested than everyone else).

Our presentation focuses on the three phases of women’s orgasms: 1) prerequisites, 2) erections, and 3) climaxes.

Prerequisites means things like consent comfort, safety, mood, physical condition, readiness, attraction, relationship, psychology, and emotions. If you’ve ever needed to adjust the temperature, music, furnishings, surroundings, or other logistics before you or your partner got in the mood, you know what we’re referring to.

One of the primary causes of the Orgasm Gap is that women typically take four to eight times longer to get an erection than men do. Though it’s less visible, women’s jewels (genitals) need to be thoroughly warmed-up, turned-on and engorged (filled with blood) before vigorous sex is pleasurable. So, yeah, even if you’ve heard it before, we’re going to talk about what kind and how much foreplay women need to approach the brink of orgasm.

That’s partly why a deeper understanding of female anatomy is critical. A recent study showed that half of young women surveyed couldn’t find their yoni (vagina) on a diagram, and one-third of university-aged women couldn’t find their clio (clitoris). So we will better acquaint you with the ten outer and nine inner female erogenous zones that serve as essential orgasmic triggers.

How many of them do you hit and for how long during a typical sexual encounter?

More importantly, we will show how vital it is to be creative with sexual technique, target, and position when a woman makes love with herself or with a partner. Though this class will definitely address the orgasmic challenges that jewel union (sexual intercourse) create for women, we’ll also include the vital roles of pleasure from self-love, manual, toy, oral, BDSM, and power exchange.

Did you know that the clios of only about 10% of women are close enough to the mouth of their yonis to provide enough stimulation during jewel union? So we will give you alternatives plus ways to increase her chances of coming during intercourse.

The climax part of this meetup concentrates on what makes a woman go over the top.

A woman’s orgasm is complex, especially when another person is involved. All the previous components have to be working for her. Once you eliminate the distractions by addressing the prerequisites and get her turned-on enough, you can focus on her orgasmic triggers. But beware, this is a moving target. The last three times we made love the most sensitive erogenous zone in Jeffre’s yoni was different.

Along the way we’ll undoubtedly talk about different kinds of female climaxes including multiple orgasms and female ejaculation. And whatever questions you bring with you.

Being a Level 2 session, we will keep our clothes on (though we might look at some pictures of the feminine parts). For more on levels, see Levels of Possibility. All SPR Guidelines apply. Please take a moment to review them here: Guidelines for Members and here Dos and Don’ts.

If you’d like more information, you’ll want to read our FREE Special Report How Women Can Orgasm More Easily. Simply register here.

A Spiritual Alternative to Viagra: Timing Your Ejaculations to Extend Your Sexual Stamina

As much as we seek to release all attachment, many of us aging lovers are still attached to getting and maintaining our own or our partner’s erection.

While I don’t see anything spiritually wrong with medicines like Viagra, I prefer natural alternatives. Being a sexually-active 70-year-old male, I’ve tried many herbal potions with varying results. Although some are frauds, I want to offer my belated thanks to the Kama Sutra for introducing aphrodisiacs into the world.

Actually I don’t need much help getting it up. But being Tantrically trained, I love to make love several times a week for an hour or more at a time. So my erectile experiments have centered around staying hard as long as we’re having fun.

It turns out that my erection stamina has less to do with what I put in my body than what I let out. Or to be more accurate, how often I ejaculate.

According to ancient spiritual traditions like Tantra and Taoism , a man’s semen is his life essence. One venerable teacher called it “Original Spirit.” According to these bygone sexologists, spilling your seed decreases your vitality, energy, and libido. Which, of course, diminishes your ability to get and stay erect.

I have a friend who can come ten times in a row without much break. That’s never been me. Even as a young man my desire to do it again wouldn’t return for many hours. Now that I’m a sexy senior citizen, that’s become days. For me my most powerful virility option is repeatedly surfing on the edge of coming without squirting.

If your hackles just rose rise up in horror, bear with me. I know how good it feels to explode into a big wet spot. Or to push your male partner over that ecstatic precipice. I still remember that student years ago who refused to listen any further exclaiming, “You want me to give up my favorite part of sex? No way!”

One thing I learned from Tantra is that orgasm and ejaculation are two different things. So I said to him, “What if I could show you how to have orgasm after stronger orgasm for as long as you want instead?” That got his attention fast. It wasn’t too long afterwards that I published my Male Multiple Orgasm book about how to do just that.

When I released the goal of frequent orgasm and mentally pivoted towards longer pleasure instead, my erection stamina soared. Does this inspire you in any way to learn to float in a continuous and higher orgasmic state instead of pushing for a quick release?

My point is that we all need to find our own personal ejaculation frequency. For me, that’s every few weeks. I learned how to conserve my vital essence by studying two early traditions.

Tantra is an ancient Eastern spiritual practice that teaches how to harness the life forces that innervate body, mind, and spirit. Tantric adepts harness sexual energy to fuel consciousness, love, and enlightenment. When applied to lovemaking, conserving the energy of orgasm is essential. It was through Tantric practices that I mastered the art of multiple energy orgasms without ejaculating.

The study of Taoism has helped me as well. Taoism is an ancient Chinese philosophy about finding “the way” in harmony with natural order and the principles of yin and yang. Ancient Taoist physicians specialized in extending longevity. They gave men specific guidelines about how often to ejaculate based on age, strength, and health.

One such recommended schedule for strong males comes from Su Nü who wrote under the pseudonym the Plain Girl. She was a concubine of the famous Yellow Emperor during the Chinese Yin Dynasty 5000 years ago. Here’s what she advised: Teenagers can afford to ejaculate twice a day, while 30-year-olds can come daily. Men of 40 should ejaculate only once every three days and 50-year-olds only every five days. Men of 60 can release every ten days and those of 70 once a month. This famous concubine of the emperor doubled these durations for weaker men and advised weak 70-year-olds to give up ejaculating altogether.

Master Sun, born in 581 AD and lived for 101 years, prescribed a stricter schedule. He advised that men who could make love 100 times without an emission would live a very long life. Since few could achieve that, he suggested two ejaculations per month. His detailed schedule was: one emission every four days for 20-somethings, every eight days for 40-year-olds, and only once every 20 days for men in their 50s. He recommended those above 60 give it up altogether unless they were exceptionally healthy.

Chinese longevity specialists advised that every man needs to find his own right interval. Expert guidance to find my own way has always inspired my rebellious nature. When I first started enjoying extended Tantric lovemaking at 50, I came every time we made love. Several times a week was too often for me. I discovered that I could maintain my erections better if I limited my emissions to twice a week. Ten years later, once a week was necessary. Now a three-week schedule seems best.

The Taoist doctors advised that it was unhealthy to give up ejaculating altogether except in extreme circumstances. That’s been my experience, too. After quite a few lovemaking sessions I sometimes experience testicle pressure often called “blue balls.” Though there’s been little relevant scientific research, doctors say it’s nothing serious that isn’t resolved by coming. Fortunately, a little massage and energy-spreading breathwork resolves it quickly for me. Or I decide my body is telling me it’s time to release.

Undoubtedly, your mileage may vary. Mine does based on how I’m feeling physically and emotionally and how much action I’ve had recently. Hopefully I’ve given you enough grounding in the art and science of ejaculatory timing to find a schedule that keeps you hot and hard and virile well into old age. I figure with my expertise and experience I’ve got another few decades of Tantric sex ahead of me.

Love, Somraj

Fuckstasy and 69: Passionate Orgasms Stem More From Following Than Leading (X-Rated)

My girlfriend and I had a sweet and sexy reunion with an old boyfriend who returned to play with us after a breakup. The three of us have been heart-connected for many years. He joined us Friday night after breaking up with his now-ex-girlfriend who was decidedly monogamous. Different strokes, right? He proposed and later confirmed that a three-way romp would provide the cleanest closure so he could move past grieving.

Though we spent hours talking and connecting platonically, when we got around to sex many of our old turn-ons for each other came back organically. I was strongly reminded of how lovely threesomes are when the two same-gendered people are bisexual. In this case, two men with a woman. Or when there are two women with one man (one of my favorites, I freely admit). As Kim pointed out at the SexPositive Reno presentation about Ethical Non-Monogamy last Monday, otherwise it’s a V. That means the two men are at the top of the V only connected with the woman at the bottom point. Or vice versa. Don’t get me wrong, taking turns can be super erotic when watching is a turn-on for everyone involved. But the three-way energy connection when we’re each into touching each other (and more) provides its own special gifts.

When we finally crashed after midnight, we were hoping to conserve our energy for a long day of play starting early Saturday morning. Unfortunately — no, correct that — fortunately, she and I couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Our tired lovemaking was slow and sweet and delicious. So yummy that I fell asleep in a profound state of “fuckstasy.” You may not have heard that word before because I made it up while her jewels (genitals) kept insisting on mine sliding in and out of hers. Our fucking created such intense ecstasy that I coined the term fuckstasy.

Have you been there recently? I sure hope so.

Turns out the erotic evening and sleepy coupling served as the perfect foreplay for our twelve-hour one-on-one date the next day after our boyfriend left. When we started up again about noon, we were more relaxed than usual. If you’ve read any of my Tantra articles or books, you know how vital
relaxation is for running energy. That’s our slang term for the feeling of consciously streaming sexual excitement through your body.

Even after 15 years, not only could we not keep our hands off of each other, we couldn’t keep our mouths off of each other. 69, mutual oral sex, seemed to the perfect way to start up again. As the excitement built, it cascaded through our bodies in stronger and stronger pulses. One of the best things about 69 for energy-sensitive lovers is that it creates a complete circle. The sexual electricity streamed up my body from my cock (with her mouth around it) and sparked off my tongue into her pussy. The current from her pussy up her body through her heart to her mouth completed the circuit.

I’ve written many times earlier about how important open forthright communication is to sexual pleasure. Specifically, last year she gave me a little  course about what her clio (clitoris) prefers: soft and slow and slippery. Right, even after all this time, I still needed (and need) training to please her in some new moments. So, being the dedicated student I am, I was gentle though creative with her growing pearl.

And patient. My goddess, we already had great fun the night before and had the whole day and night ahead of us. So I was in no hurry. As she explained later, that is one critical factor in her ability to orgasm. When she’s worried that it’s taking too long, or she’s thinking that her partner wants her to reciprocate, she can’t sink into her own pleasure and explode over the top. I was having so much fun from licking her and being sucked that I could have gone on much longer than the thirty minutes we were so engaged.

And while we’re discussing female orgasms, it’s important to recognize that they often take many times longer than male ones. Sometimes up to an hour or more. But frankly that wasn’t my purpose. Tantric lovemaking isn’t goal oriented. The electromagnetism circling between us was so satisfying that I didn’t want it to end too soon.

At one point, maybe twenty minutes into our 69ing, she simply said “suck it.” I knew she wanted my mouth providing suction and bouncing up and down on her clio. That was more vigorous than my earlier training indicated, but I readily complied. There was no doubt that she asked for the right thing. It was obvious because she started vibrating and breathing and moaning so much more strongly.

Which raises another point about feminine climaxes. It’s hard to make a woman come who doesn’t know her own body, her most potent erogenous triggers, and her proven pathways to orgasm. That’s why we always urge and encourage all women to self-pleasure regularly. Plus it’s like exercise. They need to keep their sexual muscles toned and ready for the onslaught of tidal waves of pleasure. Because my girlfriend is so active, she knows her body and its response intimately. So when she asked for sucking, I knew I was being guided by the foremost authority on her own excitement.

With the mutual sucking 69 we were both getting even hotter than we’d been before. I could feel the sexual energy more intensely in my cock which made me wail and flail, moan and groan. Did you ever hear of a “hummer?” That’s when a lover hums while giving oral sex. The term is usually applied to blowjobs, but in this case she couldn’t help but feel my sound vibrations directly invading her clio.

Later she told me how much it turns her on when a man shows his turn-on without holding back. Us guys may be culturally programmed to be taciturn and insensitive like John Wayne. But that’s not me. Tantra training has helped me to fully feel and express my passion. When I’m in an energy circle like 69, I know I have to keep up my end of the bargain. The more energy we both generate, release, and reveal, the stronger the synergy.

I really didn’t know where we were heading up to this point. Remember, I was so blissed out from the night before that I wasn’t the least bit rushing. But when she said “harder” I figured the end was in sight. How many times have I mistimed my ejaculation mistakenly expecting the woman I was fucking was on the brink? Again, her simple assertiveness saved me from having to try to figure out where she was at.

As instructed, I kept doing what I was doing, just harder. And the room began to glow, and the walls began to shimmer, and her body seemed to levitate. It didn’t happen all at once, but in stages. A little louder, a little more shaking, a little more intense energy flow. And then more, and then more. Kind of like Led Zeppelin’s super-hit “Stairway To Heaven” that Jimmy Page calls “that fucking wedding song.”

Did you ever wonder or say “did you come yet?” to your playmate? No need for that this time. The explosive climax shook us and the bed. I held on to her butt cheeks for dear life. I think my cock fell out of her mouth (fortunately) so she could scream at the top of her lungs. And it kept going on and on, changing in colors and flavors and textures, as it bounced off the walls and ceiling, rattled the windows, and freaked out our four dogs. (Well not too much, they’re kind of used to it.)

This was not the first time that I was humbled by such an experience. Not the first time I realized any self-image of me being a good lover is dwarfed by the truth that I wasn’t leading or in charge. Rather, I followed her to her climax. I listened, observed, and paid attention to what her body was doing and what she knew she wanted. Like so many macho guys, sometimes I can’t help suffering from feeling that I know it all. It takes this kind of ascent to a woman’s orgasm to disabuse me of my hubris. Sure, I feel fantastic having done my part. But if I have any ego left in the whole affair, my pride is centered around being willing to let her direct me and my willingness to follow.

Women, may you take more charge in bed. And men, may you have the strength of character to surrender to her pleasure while putting your ego aside.

Love, Somraj

How To Help Teens Deal With Their Powerful Sex Drive

From Dr. Denny Coates on LinkedIn:

Somraj, great resources for healthy adult sex! I have a question – What should teens do as they experience their new, powerful sex drive to avoid STDs, unwanted pregnancy, sexual bullying, porn addiction, and the teen hook-up culture and grow healthy attitudes about their sexuality? I know this is a difficult question, but these kids deserve good guidance, you’ve given sexuality a lot of thought, and I’d love your input.

Best, Denny

Wow Denny, that’s quite a question. I appreciate you asking. The simple answer is starts with  appropriate sex education years before when they start to become aware of their bodies and private parts. This needs more than just early grade education from trained teachers. It needs parents understanding how to model intimacy, give positive messages, and reinforce that sex is natural and healthy.

My premise (as yet thoroughly untested) is to create a sex-positive attitude of normalcy around sex before the hormones hit big time. But of course the formative Sex Ed needs to be followed by realistic segments as they mature. We’re talking about a culture change here so gradual will be the watchword.

I’m a revolutionary so personally I’m in favor of young sexual experimentation via the hookup culture. But not until teenagers (and college students afterwards) have the grounding in sexual health and pleasure, acceptance of orientation diversity, and respect for others. Undoubtedly this response is influenced by my current reading of Robert Heinlein’s “Time Enough For Love” where he paints a decidedly pro-body, love, and sex culture ruled by understanding and celebration of desire in all from from an early age.

I’m working on a Holistic Sex Education Manifesto which will give a longer answer. If it’s OK with you I’d like to post your question on my blog and hopefully get more comments.

 

 

Love, Somraj

2 Keys to Consensual Non-Monogamy: How to Grow Your Relationship by Playing Around Openly Without Cheating

We attended a fascinating SexPositive Reno Meetup earlier this week about Ethical Non-Monogamy, sometimes called Consensual Non-Monogamy. If those terms are new to you, we’re talking about having sexual and love relationships with more than person at the same time. Openly, honestly, and intentionally.

This sometimes looks like swinging from internet hookups, sex parties, and swing clubs. Other times it’s called polyamory, having multiple acknowledged love relationships. There are as many ways to relate to more than one than there are personal opinions about politics. But they’re all based on the premise that you can love more than one, that you can screw more than one, and you can still love the one you’re with even more.

The reality is that we all have a huge untapped capacity to love and make love with more than one. Can you love more than one sport, music group, or hobby? Can you have more than one BFF? Can you love your parents, your kids, and your spouse at the same time? Sure you can.

Being alive means you will be attracted to others. Whatever your age, intelligence, education, culture, or lifestyle, life will trigger desires, urges, and fantasies that involve others. The question is how do we deal with them. The default for most traditionalists is to suppress these attractions, hide them, and keep them secret. Now how well does that work for you? It’s never worked for me. But I’ve always negotiated at least the freedom to have them, reveal them, and enjoy them even when my agreements didn’t give permission to pursue them.

ENM or CNM is a far cry from giving in to secret desires, clandestine flings, private internet flirting, and cheating. Eharmony did a study that showed 75% of men and 68% of women have cheated at some point in their relationships. As a lifelong rebel, I don’t think outside affairs are so bad if they’re done openly. But if that many partners are lying about it, you can understand why breakups and divorces are so prevalent. And you can see why so many people are questioning the cultural standard of being faithful to just one partner.

Several studies have shown that about 5% of the population publicly acknowledges that they practice some form of non-monogamy.

Dealing With Jealousy and Drama

The Meetup presenter, Kim, was a woman who was experienced, had been a sex worker at one time, but was never comfortable in a monogamous relationship. Though she came across as a little shy and nervous, the balanced, rational thinking that her slides showed was brilliant. The more Kim talked, the more I was attracted to her. (Sorry, that’s not my point here.)

Much of the rousing discussion amongst some veterans and some newbies centered around the challenges of these non-traditional love structures. Top of the list was jealousy which many adherents call “the green eyed monster.” Making agreements and dealing with expectations, especially unspoken ones, figured in prominently. As well, there was lots of talk about the whole range of emotions such practices can stir up.

The tried-and-true rules for managing drama and upsets all center around dealing with lovers’ insecurities. Will he be a better lover than me? Will she fall in love with him and leave me? What’s wrong with me if he/she wants to be with someone else?

I know the knee-jerk reaction of most people, myself included, is to blame, judge, and criticize our partner when we get emotionally charged. But as the speaker pointed out, that doesn’t work. From her extensive experience, she proposed that an essential discipline to making open relationships work is self-awareness. You know, being willing, able, and committed to looking at yourself.

That’s been my belief in my twenty-something years of experimenting. In fact, I once coined Somraj’s Relationship Rule: “Look at yourself and things get better, look at the other and they get worse.”

Kim gave us workable tools to use and insightful questions to ask ourselves. These processes that worked for her can help us look inside and find what’s causing a dramatic reaction out of proportion to what’s actually going on. Often, the root cause is an earlier unresolved hurt or trauma. Undisclosed expectations or unstated agreements cause a lot of these stressful conflicts. Sometimes it’s an inherited or programmed belief that just isn’t serving you.

I remember one of our first adult play parties. We made an agreement that we wouldn’t go off with someone else without checking in with our partner first. Maybe just two hours later my sweetie went into our bedroom with some hot hunk without telling me. At first, I was pretty pissed-off until I considered who I was in relationship with. She was a spontaneous, passionate, and willful woman. That I love. When I considered if she could be herself and enjoy life following our agreement, I changed my belief. I decided to trust that she loved me no matter what she did. And that new premise has been serving us both for the last fifteen years in and out of multiple extended romantic and erotic connections.

So if you don’t have the tools and dedication to witness what’s going on inside yourself and change when necessary, don’t try CNM.

There’s A Second Key

After we talked about the Meetup, I realized there was another element to making self-awareness work. Partner-awareness.

Now I know my rule says if you look at the other party things get worse. But this is different. It’s not judging them harshly, no far from it. Partner-awareness means looking at the situation from your partner’s point of view. What’s their personal perspective? How do they see things? How are they experiencing what’s happening?

When I recalled the earlier example, I remembered trying to put myself in her shoes. I tried to figure out why she would go into the bedroom with that guy just after we’d agreed to check-in first. Knowing her, it was clear she was swept away with his attention, inspired by his romanticism, and turned-on by the erotic possibilities. All of that was completely non-mental which is, of course, where agreements and the ability to follow them come from. Putting myself in her position was how I decided to change my belief about her fling. If I wanted the freedom to get infatuated like she did, could I give her the freedom to go with the flow? I decided yes.

The first spiritual philosophy I studied called this “granting of beingness.” When you take the time and trouble to deeply understand WHO that other person is, you’ll be comprehending their being fully. Then the question becomes, “Is it OK with me for them to be the way they are?” Can I grant them the right to be themselves? Or more simply, can I accept them as they are? Can I just let them be?

If you really love someone, you’ve got to answer a resounding “YES!” But unless we can get through our own garbage and clearly see life through their eyes, how can we honestly grant them the right to be themselves?

As deranged as I can be during relationship stress, I’ve always wanted to let my partner be, grow, and evolve totally in harmony with who their inner being is guiding them to be. Sometimes I’m better at practicing my rule than others. But I always come back to this center. Am I loving some mocked-up image of my beloved, or the real authentic person I fell for?

I think this highlights a major problem in so many modern relationships. To get along, some people need to get their partner to change so they don’t push their buttons. Or satisfy some antiquated social norms. Or meet some fantasy of soul-mate-ness.

The Bottom Line

Relationship is personal growth experience. If you’re willing to look at yourself and see things from your beloved’s point of view, you’ll learn how to be a better partner. And if your partner does the same, so will they. And things will get better.

If you’re not getting along emotionally, in bed, dealing with money, parenting, and staying healthy, I don’t recommend jumping into ENM or CNM. Because it will put lots more pressure on your one-on-one connection. And it can result in explosive drama. If you can’t handle the stuff that normal life together brings up, will you be able to handle all that extra garbage?

But if you’re harmonious and in love, you might well find yourselves wanting more. You can love more than one and you can enjoy sex and intimacy with more than one. And with the right approach, you can do it together.

Just be aware that when you go for the gold of open relationships, lots more stuff will likely come up. Be prepared to deal with it.

At the end of the Meetup I did pipe up that just dealing with the negatives was depressing. My life is so much fuller because I have other lovers. In fact, we’re celebrating this weekend because a long-time boyfriend is joining us for a little party for the first time in six years.

Is it worth it? For us, absolutely. I guess you’ve got to decide if it’s worth it to you. The two of you.

 

 

Love, Somraj