Privacy Versus Transparency: How Open Should We Be About Our Sex Lives?

Last night I watched the great Oliver Stone movie Snowden. It was about a gifted computer technician who released a mountain of classified documents demonstrating that the US government was spying on its citizens. It was riveting and made me outraged about the illegal corruption of power invading our privacy.

This morning I mentioned it to friend and lover who is near to graduating as a practitioner for the Center for Spiritual Living. She had heard about the scene where he was being recorded making love to his girlfriend via his laptop camera. Now how’s that for an invasion of privacy?

But then she pointed out, “Well, isn’t the need for privacy the opposite of our spiritual quest to become more transparent?”

Well, yeah, duh!

We and many of our friends are on a mission to make conscious sexuality more open, more talked about, and more honored. So I started looking at how I really felt about privacy versus letting others know about — and even watch — our lovemaking. And if you’ve read any of my explicit X-rated posts on this blog, you know I favor sexual transparency.

I’m not going to make a case that supports Big Brother watching everything we do 24/7. That’s much too much a political chunk for your average sexologist to bite off. But after consideration, I do want to make a case for dissolving the barriers of sexual modesty, communication, and prudery, especially with our friends and loved ones.

There is a long-standing tradition of honoring eros, or sexual love, as an integral part of a healthy life. Certainly the ancient Greeks revered Eros, the god of sexual love. The Tantrics, many thousands of years ago in India, viewed sexual energy as simply another expression of spirit, of life force, and a vehicle to enlightenment.

But today we live in a highly puritanical culture. A new social media friend, a licensed psychologist, from the Middle East even pointed out how much more repressed he found sexuality after moving to Los Angeles recently.

Let’s take society’s effect on our privacy down to the personal level. How open are most lovers about what’s going on inside them during sex? How many share their urges, their whims, and their anxieties? How many women especially are willing to ask for what they want, what they’re actually getting, and what they want different?

Modern people are willing to crow about their latest high-tech toys, dresses, diets, hairdo, exercise routine, or health challenges. But what about their sex lives? I realize that it’s rare for even most close friends to share the kinky sex position they stumbled into last night. Or what triggered a cosmic orgasm. Or what her or his lover did with their mouth.

I would suggest that’s symptom of our sex-negative slut-shaming culture.

I and my wife and our closest friends routinely chat and text about our erotic escapades and sexual discoveries with each other. And when we’re together, none of us are shy about saying “I’ve loved that but now let’s try….”

Of course, we’re not your average hung-up guys and gals who hide their fantasies in the closet. We share them, build on each other’s kinky inspirations, and sometimes even play them out.

But would we care that much if some intelligence agency clerk was reviewing the tapes of our last lovemaking? Not if we celebrated our expression of desire with our beloveds as sacrament. Not if we accepted our sexual nature as healthy and inherent. Not if we didn’t have any secrets from our spouse. Not if we were proud of our ability to feel pleasure and thoroughly satisfy each other in bed. Not if we comfortable in our bodies and accepted ourselves fully. Not if we were more affectionate and passionate with each other around our kids.

If you were totally transparent with those closest to you and proud of your sexual nature, would it matter that much if someone were spying on you in bed?

Though we don’t have a rampant exhibitionist fetish, we have been known to make love in front of others at sex parties, coaching clients, and sexuality workshops. We’re not ashamed of reveling in our pleasure in front of others who value lovemaking as a spiritual practice. In fact, we’ve participated in a couple of public self-pleasuring rituals in San Francisco on National Masturbation Day.

But I’m not urging you to do it in public or around those who would judge you as perverted. I’m not advocating sexual harassment or bragging at work. I’m just saying that feeling embarrassed or shameful is a product of our culture’s negative judgements around sex.

If we lived in sex-positive culture like that portrayed in Robert Heinlein’s Stranger In a Strange Land or Starhawk’s The Fifth Sacred Thing, we might find it easy to be more transparent.

If we fully accept ourselves as sexual beings, wouldn’t we care less that others knew what we were doing? If we truly embraced sexual ecstasy as a divine sacrament, wouldn’t we be proud of it?

OK, if you accept any of my musings, all that remains is finding a way to do it appropriately while our culture evolves.

What do you think about all this?

Love, Somraj

Emerging From Virginity – I Need Your Help

Been working on the Holistic Sex Ed Manifesto. With my subconscious chewing it over, I woke up today wondering what’s the best way to lose one’s virginity. No, that sounds too negative. Besides, holistic means to consider sex as more than just genital penetration.

What’s the most healthy, joyful, life-affirming way for young people to first have sex of any kind?

If I was an activist revolutionary (why I try to avoid), I might start a campaign to popularize and propagate playing doctor. You know, when kids investigate each other’s bodies, especially down there. Not a bad idea for adults either, as a progressive sexual education initiative, don’t you think?

Instead I would like your help starting a dialogue about ideal early sex. If you want to contribute, you could comment below by answering…

1. What was your first sexual encounter like?

2. What would have made it better?

I’m working on doing the same. With your help, soon I hope to add a section to my Holistic Sex Ed Manifesto entitled something like “The Best Way To Emerge From Virginity.” Or would you suggest a better name?

Love, Somraj

Cervical and Other Types of Women’s Orgasms

Matt: Is there a new way to describe cervical orgasms that moves away from David Deida?

Somraj: Thanks for the question, Matt. Could you be more specific? What about David Deida’s description are you asking about?

Matt: He had broken orgasm two three levels: clitoral, vaginal and cervical with cervical being the most deep/profound. I guess I’m asking if there’s better/newer language to describe the deepest level. Maybe a better question is how do you describe the deepest level?

Somraj: Well there’s nothing really definitive about the whole subject. Scientific research is ongoing. Different women describe different kinds of orgasms different, like clitoral being sharp or superficial, and g-spot being deeper and spreading. But I’ve read the opposite as well. There are fewer commentaries on cervical ones but they tend to refer to uterine jostling which creates a deeper and more profound experience. Your question seems to be aimed towards the physical experience. In Tantric Sex we focus on and expand the sensations created by the flow and flood of sexual energy. Those perceptions are even more all over the map, which in my opinion is a good thing. More up to a lover’s preferences and creativity. (If you don’t mind, I’m going to post your question and this answer, any any subsequent dialogue, on my blog at

Here are some excerpts from my latest ebook, Long Hot Tantric Love Making, on different vaginal orgasms…

Yonigasms (Orgasms in Yoni, or Vagina)

As wonderful as Cliogasms are (a orgasm from the clio or clitoris), climaxes induced inside yoni have their own special qualities. The exact role that the womb and G-Crest (G-Spot) play in Yonigasms is still under scientific study. The Singers and others have written that pure yoni orgasms occur in the uterus as a result of jostling the cervix. Some believe the G-Crest is the physical pathway to yonigasm. Though there hasn’t been any extensive study comparing G-Crest, cervical, A-Spot, and Cul-De-Sac orgasms, we believe the effects are similar. Though research is still underway today, some things are clear.

Many women find that yonigasms last longer than Cliogasms on average. Some report that they commonly last 45 seconds, while others say they can go on for many minutes. We’ve read up to 20 minutes, 30 minutes, and even 40 minutes. Thirty per cent of the women studied claim that they can have a Big O from penetration that targets the G-Crest alone.

Yonigasms tend to be deeper and more emotional than those of the shorter Cliogasm variety. Women say that Yonigasms aren’t rhythmic but create constant waves that spread out from the pulsing cuff. When fully engaged, they more strongly impact the deep pelvic muscles including the big muscles of the uterus.

In contrast, there are women who describe Yonigasms as further down in the body but less intense than Cliogasms. It feels like a pressure slowing building that explodes deep inside, expanding throughout the entire body. One sexologist called this the “leg shaker.”

Cervical Orgasms

Some women find that contact with their cervix is extremely uncomfortable, even painful, especially during certain times of the month. But those who have healed and awakened this sensitive tissue at the bottom of the uterus can experience unique and powerful orgasms. Climaxes triggered in the cervix have been described as connecting a woman with her second heart and her inner self. We’ve heard that they cause women to laugh, cry, erupt in joy, and get catapulted into a pure bliss zone.

Because they produce a lot of heat and a shower of stars, cervical orgasms tend to feel different than sharp peaks of pleasure. And cause metabolic responses stronger than cliogasms. Because they cause kundalini to rise up, they feel more like an expansion into a seemingly endless flow.

We’ve also heard that reverse tenting occurs with cervical orgasms. That’s when deep yoni contracts and yoni’s mouth relaxes as the cervix opens and closes. The release of the thick viscous fluid that accompanies this kind of climax may contribute to the sucking feeling that possibly draws sperm into the womb.

The Taoists believed that there are three gates to orgasm: clio, G-Crest, and cervix. Maybe that’s why they recommended awakening the G-Crest first. How that applies to their other suggestion, the screwing technique, is not clear. They said that making small spirals of the sacrum, shaking the hips, and undulating the spine in wavelike motions made climaxing easier. We find that moving vajra’s (penis’s) head or a dildo side to side across the cervix is effective, too.

Being so uniquely intense, there may well be a little-understood connection between cervical orgasm and giving birth. Some women have shared that this most challenging event of their lives has been one of the most orgasmic. We have a dear friend, a mother of four, who can attest to enjoying intense climaxes while her children were born or when breast feeding. If you’ve ever seen a woman come when being fisted (having her yoni penetrated by an entire hand), you can begin to understand what’s happening.